My Classy Girlfriend

What does a poor college boy get his rich girlfriend for Christmas?  That was my dilemma during the holiday season of 1988.

And, when I say my girlfriend was rich it's not hyperbole. Victoria's father was a doctor and her mother owned a clothing boutique. They lived in one of the wealthiest cities in the Minneapolis-Saint Paul metro area. Her city was the jewel of Lake Minnetonka. She'd attended a private prep school where the tuition was as high as at some universities. Her family, of course, belonged to a country club. 

When I met Victoria her parents and younger brother were living in a luxury apartment complex while their new house was being built. She had a trust fund she'd be able to access when she turned twenty-one. Her favorite perfume was Anais Anais - the legendary floral fragrance by Cacharel. She liked Laura Ashley dresses - the height of couture in the 1980s. She loved Godiva chocolates. Her family took two vacations a year – one for educational purposes and one for fun. They had a condo in Florida. They had a chalet in Aspen. Her college tuition was paid promptly at the beginning of each term. Her parents gave her a monthly allowance set up through the college's Controller's Office and she had access to her father's credit card. 

She'd taken English riding lessons at one time although I don't think she stuck with it long enough to become an accomplished equestrienne like Jackie Kennedy. I had no idea what she meant at the time by English riding. Evidently she wasn't donning denim jeans, boots, and a cowboy hat. I know the difference between Western and "English" riding styles now. I'm sure she looked smashing in her equestrian riding apparel.

She'd tried figure skating too. As I recall she'd decided she didn't want to devote herself to the sport, opting to have a more normal life. And yet, she seemed to suggest that had she been willing to put in the long hours of practice required she certainly would have been skating in the Olympic games. She brought her skates with her to college and I took her to a small outdoor ice rink at the fairgrounds once and she displayed her skating talent. The ice wasn't the best but she could certainly skate.

She hated when anyone accused her family of being rich. They were just normal she claimed. But, normal girls don't have trust funds and wear $500 designer dresses. I guess she didn't like the connotations associated with being well-off. She didn't want to be seen as a privileged snob. 

She came to the small liberal arts college I attended in Iowa to get away from her overbearing and sometimes abusive parents. I'm not sure why her parents allowed her to go to a little college in Iowa. It did have an excellent academic reputation and Victoria was ostensibly going to be on the golf team. I think she quit the golf team soon after arriving on campus.

I met Victoria at a party. We became close quickly and soon we were a couple. She was Asian American although at that time she referred to herself as oriental. Some of the guys on campus teased her a bit by calling her Connie. Connie Chung was a news anchor we were all used to seeing on TV at the time. Chung was the first Asian to co-anchor an American major network news program. Victoria wasn't Chinese like Chung but I guess they looked a bit similar. Connie Chung was attractive but I still felt bad for Victoria getting teased.

Victoria had been adopted at a young age. Her mother had a Nordic background so Victoria liked to joke that she was Scandinavian. Victoria wore nothing but skirts and blouses for the first few weeks of school because she was used to having a dress code back in her prep days. She finally relaxed a bit and wore some Guess jeans and a sweatshirt once in a while.

 

Victoria longed for romance. She often talked about chivalry. She wanted a knight in shining armor on a white horse. Why she chose to be with me I'm not sure. She claimed her parents had a marriage of convenience. She said they had a strategic, passionless marriage. She claimed they were abusive at times. There wasn't much love in the family. It was more about being in certain social circles and maintaining an image. Maybe in me she'd finally found a person she could trust and confide in. Maybe she'd found a person she could relax around. Maybe she'd finally found a kind person who wouldn't abuse her.

 

I loved her but she could be a pain at times. All the talk of chivalry and how most men were cheating bastards got to be old. Sometimes she made fun of my clothes because they didn't match or because I was wearing a Locoste knock-off polo shirt. She got tired of me wearing t-shirts and jeans most of the time. Her nagging about my wardrobe got old.

We went to see the movie Cocktail one evening and even then I couldn't escape her nagging. During a romantic scene between Brian (Tom Cruise) and Jordan (Elisabeth Shue) in Jamaica, Victoria leaned over and asked, "Are you taking notes?" I took this as a slight and just gritted my teeth and sighed. I then smiled a bit and tried to offer her a comeback but the only retort I had was to ask, "No. Are you taking notes?"

It's interesting that Brian was a working-class guy from Queens who thought he'd fallen in love with a struggling waitress trying to make it as an artist. This was true except that she also turned out to be a Park Avenue heiress. And, wouldn't you know that her father didn't think much of Brian. He even tried to give Brian a check for $10,000 to stay away from his daughter. Our hero Brian, of course, refused to be bought.

I didn't think that much about the inter-class romance of Brian and Jordan at the time and its similarities to that of Victoria and mine. I was more interested in the charisma and bartending skills of Brian and his mentor Doug. They could really juggle those bottles of booze.

I'm sure that Victoria also made me endure hearing the apocryphal story of Sir Walter Raleigh laying his cloak over a puddle for the Queen. I think I told her she was crazy if she thought I'd ever lay my coat over a puddle for her to walk on.

She came home to the farm with me one weekend. She thought the baby calves were cute. She liked my parents. We visited my grandparents too and she thought my grandpa was adorable in his overalls. I guess she found it peaceful because we visited the farm in the spring again I think. She found a bottle of Chaps cologne by Ralph Lauren tucked away in my closet and wondered why I wasn't wearing it. I had gotten it as a gift. I don't believe it had been bought brand new. It was something that had been re-gifted to me. I didn't care if it was Ralph Lauren. I didn't mind that it was secondhand. I just never cared for it. I thought it was funny how a bottle of a certain brand of cologne could impress someone so much. I imagine she knew a lot of boys who wore Polo by Ralph Lauren.

 

I went home with Victoria over fall break. She was nervous before we left. She was upset because I didn't have a suit and we'd be going to the Chanhassen Dinner Theatre. She made me buy some new clothes and she basically packed my bag for me to ensure I brought the right things.
 

It was cold in Minneapolis. And, I don't just mean the weather. It seemed clear they weren't happy I was a guest in their home. It was clear I was seen as beneath their daughter. Meeting her parents was uncomfortable. It was like Daniel meeting Ali's parents in The Karate Kid. Awkward. I told them the only part of Minneapolis I'd ever seen was the airport. When asked what I was involved in on campus I didn't have much to say expect that I worked in the cafeteria. I could have pointed out that Victoria wasn't involved in anything either. I wasn't ready for an interview.

Poor Victoria got berated by her father for not reading a newspaper daily and keeping up with current events. Her parents wouldn't let us go out while there because supposedly they missed Victoria and wanted her at home. They compromised and let us rent some movies.


On the night of the dinner theatre her mother mentioned me not wearing a suit and I don't think she even cared that I was standing nearby when she said it. Victoria got hassled about her lipstick as I recall. The dinner theatre was fine. But, I had to order second right after Victoria's father. I followed his cue and ordered bottled water and then her mother wondered why I didn't order pop like a normal college student. I didn't order pop because I thought I'd get criticized for THAT. Why couldn't I have been the last one to order instead of the second one to order?

Victoria's brother's girlfriend was really nice and we chatted a bit. We ordered the same thing on the menu too. Turns out that her family wasn't well-off either but Victoria's parents put up with her for their son's sake. No wonder I liked her. She wasn't a rich kid.


When the weekend was over and I was leaving I said, “Thanks for everything.” I think her mother was shocked. Yes, a farm boy from Iowa can have manners. Then her mother wanted to know my intentions with her daughter and how serious we were. Victoria told her we weren't going to talk about it right then. I think Victoria got her face slapped after I left for talking back.

 

Before Christmas break Victoria and I were going to attend a Christmas program on campus. When I came to her room to pick her up she looked me up and down and said, “You're wearing pastels.” I was not in the mood to hear about the rules regarding what one could or couldn't wear after Labor day. I refused to change and she reluctantly joined me at the Christmas program. 

 

So, the Christmas present.

What was I going to get Victoria for Christmas? I couldn't get her jewelry. This is a girl who sometimes wore an emerald ring a former boyfriend had given her. She also had an amethyst ring. I couldn't buy her perfume. She already had her Anais Anais. And something like, for instance, Lady Stetson was considered cheap drugstore perfume. I sure as hell wasn't going to buy her clothes. I asked her what she wanted. She just said, “Buy me something fun.”

 

Before Chrsitmas I searched the malls for something. I finally found a music box that featured a knight and a castle. I thought This is perfect.

 

When she opened my gift she kind of smiled and said, “Oh, it's my knight.” So, she understood what I was going for. She understood the significance of the castle and the knight and how it pertained to her always speaking of romance and chivalry. And yet, I could tell she was disappointed. I could tell that even though she understood my intentions she didn't really like it.

A few weeks later I noticed the music box was in her trash can. She claimed she was storing it there. She quickly realized how ridiculous that sounded and said her roommate had broken it. True, a small piece had broken off but it wasn't like it had shattered into a million pieces. I took the music box from the trash can and walked out of her dorm room. I kept it in my closet the rest of the school year. I kept it for years afterward as a symbol of the frailty and futility of love. Love would leave you broken just like that music box.

I don't recall what she got me. I think she may have bought me a shirt and slacks. She'd already given me a really beautiful teal colored sweater in October for no particular reason other than she thought I'd look nice in it.

 
When Victoria returned from Christmas break she had a new blue blazer, some sweaters, shoes, watch, and Liz Claiborne perfume - in the distinctive triangle bottle. She also had some news. She informed me that we had to break up. Her parents said she had to break up with me and see other people. They hadn't raised her well just to see her end up with some low-class person like me. I wasn't really surprised.

It was like the movie Love Story when Oliver's father cuts him off financially and severs all ties with him for marrying the working-class girl Jenny. Even though Jenny was beautiful, kind, and had a college degree herself she still wasn't quite good enough for their wealthy, upper-class WASP family.

Victoria said we could date as long as we didn't see each other exclusively. So, we tried that for a while. When she found out that other girls wanted to go out with me, it wasn't long before she defied her parents and we got back together. I'm not sure why they didn't disown her or cut off her tuition or something.
 
She continued to be a pain though. I could never figure out why. She still criticized my clothes, my friends, and even my character. I would try to break up with her only to have her sobbing and begging me not to leave her. So, I would relent and we stayed together.
 
When Valentine's Day rolled around we had been fighting a lot and I could hardly stand to be with her. And yet, she was genuinely surprised and upset when I didn't get her anything for Valentine's Day. She whined all day about how she would have been happy with just a single red rose. I pointed out that she hadn't gotten me anything either. She was having none of it.
 
"It's the boyfriend's job to plan a wonderful Valentine's Day for his girlfriend," she said.
 
I believe my reply was, "F*ck you."
 
After certain events that spring, I didn't have to deal with her any longer because she got kicked out of school. It's my understanding she was expelled for stealing money from one of her roommates. She didn't deny it. Obviously she didn't need the money. Her roommate wasn't that upset and speculated that it was a cry for help. She reasoned that Victoria wanted to get caught and wanted to get expelled because she was so unhappy with her life.
 
After she left campus, we stayed in touch through letters and phone calls for a while. Her mother tried to keep us from communicating and I even had an argument with her parents on the phone one evening. Finally, it had become too much and I was done. Interestingly, I then became the jerk who dumped their daughter. If I stayed with their daughter I was a loser who just wanted their daughter's money. If I dumped their daughter then that only proved what a lowlife I really was. I couldn't win.
 
Well, darling, I suppose it seems unfair to write things about you when you're not in a position to defend yourself. I know you went through some tough times trying to please your parents. I know it's not really your fault. I think you felt like Oliver in Love Story sometimes. Oliver doubted his ability to live up to the family's legacy. You once told me your father had graduated first in his class at medical school and you could never live up to that reputation.

I've complained a lot but we did have some good times.

The first time I ever had Chinese food was with you. Until you suggested going to a local restaurant for Chinese, I'd never had so much as an egg roll. It seems kind of humorous that it was my Asian girlfriend who happened to introduce me to Chinese food. It was fun having wonton soup, egg rolls, and sweet and sour chicken with you. The oolong tea was good too. I think I looked kind of lost when they brought the food. But, you didn't make fun of me. You just spooned some rice and chicken onto my plate, squeezed my arm reassuringly, and smiled. That was one of the most enjoyable experiences I had with you.

I had some other first time experiences with you too. I had some first time experiences with you in the bedroom if you know what I mean. Once again you were patient, kind, and reassuring.

Why couldn't you have been so nice all the time?

I thought it was kind of funny when you wanted to go to the Homecoming dance that fall when we first met. I tried to tell you that no one really went to the dance at least not anyone popular. Most students went to the game and then went to Joe's later. But, I suppose a dance seemed romantic to you so I agreed to go. I even bought you a corsage although I made you come to the flower shop with me to pick it out yourself so I wouldn't screw it up. You had gotten a new Laura Ashley dress in a floral print just prior to Homecoming. When you asked me if I liked it I think I said no. I don't recall if I truly disliked it or if I was just tired of you seeming so hoity-toity and so fussy about clothing. You chose to wear your green Laura Ashley instead and I feel kind of bad about it now all these years later. I'm sure you would have looked stunning in the floral print.
We had fun that night as I recall dancing in Knight's Gymnasium and drinking non-alcoholic cocktails.

You once told me you'd like to serve in the Peace Corps. Your roommates had laughed and said you'd never cut it. I didn't really believe you could hack it either but I tried to be supportive and said it was a noble ambition or something. I imagined the Peace Corps to involve living in areas with no roads, vehicles, electricity, plumbing, telephone, or radio. If that's true then I couldn't imagine you being in some country perhaps sleeping on the ground in a hut with no shopping mall nearby and having to eat whatever the locals ate and wear simple clothing for whatever the climate happened to be there. You didn't really even like living in small town Iowa with plenty of restaurants and shopping malls within a short driving distance. How could you handle two years in some developing country?

You also expressed a desire to live on our family farm and work for a summer. I, of course, laughed. I could not fathom you lasting a week on a farm. You said you could wear your Guess overalls. That made me groan and roll my eyes. Yes, a lot of farmers did wear overalls including my dad and two grandfathers. But, wearing overalls has f*ck all to do with farming or working hard. That's like a person thinking they can put on a pair of boots and suddenly be transformed into a cowboy.

Still, I know you were sincere and perhaps a lot stronger than I gave you credit for. You did eventually have jobs in the cafeteria and at a local pizza place. I think you wanted to show people you were a normal person and that you could work hard like anyone else. You didn't need the money. I was impressed.

 
I know you even stood up to your mother once telling her that the world needed farmers and didn't really need fancy boutiques. That earned you a slap across the face. But, you did it for me. Maybe you did it for yourself too. I was surprised you'd praised farmers and I was impressed and touched.

You could have been with a lot of other guys but you chose me. I'm not sure why you stayed devoted to me. Some other guys were better looking and probably more interesting. You often told me I was kind and compassionate. Perhaps you'd never really experienced any warmth or empathy before even from former boyfriends. You felt safe with me. You told me that you'd shared things with me that you'd never told anyone else. That, of course, made me feel special. It's a wonderful feeling when someone feels they can be open and vulnerable with you because they know you'll be nonjudgmental and understanding.

You often said you'd have rather had less money and more love in your family.  

You told me once that you'd never been on a picnic before. I wasn't really surprised considering your upbringing. Your family had never done something as simple as pack a basket with some food and relax and enjoy one another's company in a park. Your mother sometimes had parties and served caviar. She kept index cards detailing the likes and dislikes of certain guests and yet found it hard to display any sort of warmth to her own children.

I remember how distressed you were before going home with your parents on spring break. You'd bought your mother some flowers and hoped she'd like them. You were upset because your tights didn't quite match your skirt perfectly. Of course, no one noticed but you. You said your mother would notice and as it turned out she did. You were going to spend time with your family and had to be worried about something as silly as whether you had on the right tights.

I don't want to criticize your parents too much. I'm sure they did the best they could. I've never been a parent and I'm sure it's not always easy. I don't think they thought I was a bad person. They truly felt someone else would be a better match for you and maybe they were right.

I guess things couldn't have been all bad for us. If I remember all of these things about you then you must have meant something to me. You might be impressed by how much I know now. For instance, I now know the difference between a suit jacket, a sport coat, and a blazer. I still know how to fold a shirt properly like you showed me.

I'm sorry I didn't show you more romance. I'm sorry things became so strained between us. We were both dealing with things and you had so much pressure from your parents. It hurt that you felt like I abandoned you. But, what was I to do?

I don't know how life turned out for you. I know you wanted to have children but were a bit concerned you'd be abusive yourself. But, I'm sure you were a wonderful mother. I hope you were able to have an adult relationship with your parents at some point. I hope you were able to stand up to them and live your own life the way you wanted.

I hope you found happiness.

I hope you found the love and romance you desired.

I hope you found your knight in shining armor.