Villanelle for Her

The life in me was beginning to fade
I had no belief I could carry on
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

Could you be the one for whom I had prayed
When you found me I was haggard and drawn
The life in me was beginning to fade

I found that to live a price must be paid
I did not care to see another dawn
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

Life is so tough when you're always afraid
Then I made friends with a beautiful swan
The life in me was beginning to fade

You encouraged me not to be dismayed
I now had someone I could call upon
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

I shall not forget the love you displayed
You brightened my life though now you are gone
The life in me was beginning to fade
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

 



 



Synth-pop, Love, and Friendship

I have to begin with a few words about punk rock.  Punk rock emerged as a reaction to the perceived excesses of mainstream 1970s rock.  Punk rock bands didn't care much for heavily produced music or long guitar solos and the like.  They scornfully rejected contemporary rock which they often regarded as ostentatious or simply lame.  Punk bands wanted to return to a stripped down version of rock and roll with short songs and a rebellious attitude.

The problem with punk is that it never became a big success commercially.  Some punk bands were signed by record labels, toured, and sold records but attempts to get airplay on American radio were mainly futile.

Punk rock groups like the Ramones and the Sex Pistols were highly influential to popular music regardless of record sales or radio airplay.  Nonetheless, punk acts still faced the challenge of not being embraced by the mainstream and thus finding little chart success.  If punk was going to survive it needed to evolve into something more accessible and something more commercial. 

Some record producers were looking for a way to usher these punk bands to the masses.

Some recording artists found a way to present their music in a way that was more palatable to radio and consequently to their audience.  Bands like Blondie and the Talking Heads made the transition into the 1980s by changing their sound.

Seymour Stein, co-founder of Sire Records, is sometimes credited with creating the term new wave as an alternative to punk to describe these bands and their new sound.  Thus, new wave became a marketing term used by the new wave bands of the 1980s to distance themselves from the punk bands of the 1970s.

New wave has always been an ambiguous term.  It can mean pop music with punk influences and it's also been used as a broad catchall term for everything from the late 70s that didn't sound like everything else from the 70s.

One of the most interesting aspects of new wave was the fact that it was so open-ended in terms of style.  This meant that a wide range of groups were able to contribute to the genre thanks to it lacking a certain musical homogeneity.

Some so-called new wave bands that had chart success and received radio airplay on rock stations were Blondie, the Talking Heads, the Police, and the Cars. 

"My Sharona", a single by The Knack, hit number one in 1979 to the delight of many listeners and to the chagrin of some punk purists.

The song, written about a 17-year-old high school student who had caught the eye of the 26-year-old Mr. Fieger, replaced Chic's disco anthem "Good Times" on Billboard's singles chart and came to symbolize the commercial arrival of new wave, the poppier, snazzier-dressed cousin of punk rock.

Yes, Sharona was a real person and girlfriend for four years to Doug Fieger, lead vocalist of The Knack.  She even posed for the single's picture sleeve.

The album Get the Knack was seen by some as the watered-down conclusion of the fading punk movement from a few years earlier, a safe and sanitized version of something that had recently revitalized rock.

Nonetheless, new wave established itself as the new trend in pop music.

This new wave music was interesting.

Devo was telling me to "whip it good" while the Vapors claimed to be "turning Japanese."

Just what the phrase "turning Japanese" means is still up for debate although it seems to be a metaphor for something.

Adam Ant was dancing around in pirate garb and war paint.

Sting from the Police kept singing "de do do do de da da da."

Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders kept telling us, "I'm special, so special."

Were the Clash punk, post-punk, or new wave?  Or, all three?  You tell me.  Regardless, I'm sure you were singing along with "Should I Stay or Should I Go", "Train in Vain", and "Rock the Casbah".

Billy Idol looked how I imagined a punk rocker would look with his leather attire, spiky hair, and snarling lip.  He had, in fact, began as a punk rocker in the band Generation X before embarking on a solo career.  As a solo artist he managed to bridge the gap between punk and new wave to become a rock legend.

Billy Idol was a smash on MTV.  He was amazing with his spiky blond hair and upraised, shaking fist.  If I could only have looked as f*cking cool as Billy Idol.

Bill Idol's Rebel Yell album was released on November 10, 1983.  If my memory serves me correctly and my research is correct, I believe I met my redheaded girlfriend a few days prior to that on Saturday November 5 at a church youth retreat.  I know what you're thinking.  You can't imagine I was ever a pious, well-behaved young Christian man.  Touché'.  Nonetheless, I did meet the red-haired beauty at a church retreat and had probably never even heard of Billy Idol yet.

Malcolm McLaren, former manager of the Sex Pistols, jumped on the new wave bandwagon as well.  He created the new wave band Bow Wow Wow in 1980.  A young man named George was one of the lead singers for a short period before he left and formed his own band called Culture Club, and went on to superstardom under the name Boy George.

Culture Club was one of the most successful new wave bands of the 1980s.

The Police had a variety of musical influences and fall under the new wave umbrella as well.  They, like Culture Club, experienced global popularity.  I had the Police album Synchronicity which went to number one and contained the hit single "Every Breath You Take".  I think my older sister gave it to me as a gift.

Something else happened in 1979 in addition to "My Sharona" hitting number one.

Gary Numan released the song "Cars" which made heavy use of synthesizers. 

A synthesizer is an electronic instrument, typically operated by a keyboard, producing a wide variety of sounds by generating and combining signals of different frequencies.

I think it may be Mrs. Drewes, my elementary school music teacher, who first introduced me to synthesizers.  I think she was playing a record and pointed out the sound we were hearing was called a synthesizer.

Synth-pop (synthesizer pop) is a subgenre of new wave music and features the synthesizer as the dominant musical instrument.  While the guitar was still in use, the instrument used by these new acts was the synthesizer, which was portable and gave the music a more modern sounding feel.

Gary Numan and a few others paved the way for synth-pop.  Thanks in part to MTV, synth-pop soon became very popular.  The Human League's "Don't You Want Me" hit number one in 1982.  "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell and "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls were also popular.

"She Blinded Me With Science" by Thomas Dolby and "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo both reached number 5 in 1983.  Both songs were amazing one hit wonders.

Eurythmics were a British music duo who embraced synthesizers after first being involved in punk rock.  The duo brought a soul music twist to the electronic sound of synth-pop.

Eurythmic's "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" holds a special place in my heart.  I remember watching the song's video on Friday Night Videos with my redheaded girlfriend in her basement.  Friday Night Videos was NBC's attempt to capitalize on the emerging popularity of music videos as seen on MTV. 

My girlfriend essentially had reign over the basement of her home.  I don't recall ever seeing her parents down there even though I think it held the only television set.  The basement was her sanctuary and we spent a lot of time down there.  Did we ever "mess around" down there?  How dare you suggest such a thing.

I can see it now.  Annie Lennox of Eurythmics is walking around in a man's suit with her fiery orange buzzcut hair.  I wasn't even familiar with the term androgyny back then but I wasn't sure if I really liked her gender bending look.  She was attractive though and could certainly sing.  It was odd seeing Annie with that hair just a tad brighter than the redhead on the couch next to me.

To this day I still associate "Sweet Dreams" and "Here Comes the Rain Again" with my redheaded girlfriend. 

I recall one occasion when my girlfriend tried to use a synth-pop song entitled "People Are People" by Depeche Mode to convey her view that we needed to communicate better.

People are people so why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully

On another occasion she said I was a "hard habit to break" like in the Chicago song of the same name.

She also said she wished there was a drug that made her feel like she did when she was with me when we were listening to "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News.

She thought it was fun to introduce me to the sexy/racy song "Darling Nikki" by Prince.  I'm not sure what that was all about.  I guess she wanted to shock me.

My college girlfriend liked to sing the Poison song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" to me implying I was a thorn and she was a rose I guess.  Ha ha.  Very funny.

But, she did say we had "a groovy kind of love" like in the Phil Collins song of the same name.

What is it with girls and music anyway?

Anyway, back to the synth.

"True" by Spandau Ballet and "Hold Me Now" by the Thompsons Twins are also great songs and probably remind me of my redheaded girlfriend too at times.

Howard Jones had some wonderful songs as well.  He made synth-pop seem warm and optimistic as opposed to synth-pop's earlier eerie and sterile reputation.

And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better

Another very successful British band was Duran Duran.  Duran Duran have been credited with incorporating dance beats into synth-pop to produce a catchier and warmer sound, which provided them with a series of hit singles.  Young women and men thought these guys (the Fab Five) were beautiful.  Is there a band that is more synonymous with the golden age of MTV?

Pet Shop Boys also developed a sound that moved closer to dance music.  Many of us enjoyed their hit song "West End Girls".

Culture Club, Spandau Ballet, and Duran Duran were all associated with a British pop culture movement dubbed the New Romantic movement.  These New Romantics were known for their flamboyant fashion.  Many of the bands associated with the movement adopted synthesizers and helped to develop synth-pop in the early 1980s.

Synthesizers were also used by artists one may not have expected.  Foreigner, ZZ Top, and Bruce Springsteen all used synthesizers in certain songs.  And, even the guitar-heavy rock group Van Halen had a massive hit with "Jump" with its catchy synth line. 

You may still claim you hated new wave and synth-pop and never listened to it.

You were busy listening to Sheena Easton, Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, and Cyndi Lauper. 

Fine.

Or, perhaps you only listened to John Cougar Mellencamp, Bruce Springsteen, Bryan Adams, and Huey Lewis and the News. 

Great.

Maybe you enjoyed Rick Springfield, Tom Petty, .38 Special, and the Stray Cats.

Wonderful.  

Of course, I already mentioned that even the Boss (Bruce Springsteen) used some synthesizers.  Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were no strangers to synthesizers either.  And, even though one might argue that Lauper wasn't truly a new wave artist, she certainly was eclectic and embraced different styles of music. 

By the way, Lauper's "Time After Time" is another song that brings back memories of my redheaded girlfriend as we saw that video on Friday Night Videos as well.  I think in that video Lauper has orange-red hair with a tic-tac-toe pattern shaved into one side.

So, Annie Lennox and Cyndi Lauper both had orange-red hair like my girlfriend at the time.  Hmm.  Was this some kind of message or just a coincidence?

My buddy Chris only owned one cassette - Falco 3 by Austrian singer Falco containing the hit "Rock Me Amadeus".  I'm just kidding.  I'm sure he owned other cassettes and I'm not really sure he even owned that one.  I'm fairly certain he had one of Falco's cassettes though.

My buddy Brad would only listen to Kiss, Van Halen, Def Leppard, and Ratt.  Just kidding again.  We listened to other music like AC/DC and George Thorogood.  I don't want to speak for Brad, but I'm guessing he never owned a Duran Duran cassette. 

Brad had a cassette deck in his car which was nice.  But, he was always fiddling with his stereo equalizer so every song would sound just right.  Adjusting treble and bass wasn't good enough for him.  Just kidding.  I think he did have something called an audio equalizer though.  I think he did mention once that some guys did, in fact, adjust their equalizer for every song.

So, there was a lot of different music going on in the 1980s besides new wave.  I haven't even mentioned Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Prince.  They were all huge artists and dominated the charts.  Some would argue these artists alone overshadowed new wave and synth-pop.

Nonetheless, synth-pop especially by British groups was huge as was new wave as a whole.  There were so many British acts scoring hits in America in the 1980s that some referred to it as the Second British Invasion.  The original British Invasion occurred in the 1960s involving The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, and others.  Interestingly Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, and The Kinks still had a presence in the 1980s as well.

"Take On Me" by Norwegian synth-pop band A-ha became a huge hit during the fall of my senior year.

Though the synth-pop trend was essentially over when I went off to college, I still had more to learn.  My classmate and buddy Mark, a part-time DJ, introduced me to New Order and Yaz. 

Mark had a penchant for playing New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle" which was fine because I really liked it.

Yaz were an English synth-pop duo consisting of former Depeche Mode member Vince Clarke (keyboards) and Alison Moyet (vocals).  I really enjoyed their song "Situation" that Mark liked to play sometimes.  Vince Clarke would later form another synth-pop duo called Erasure with singer Andy Bell.

Mark also introduced me to a kind of electronic dance music called house music, a genre that had its beginnings in his hometown of Chicago.  Some would consider house to be a derivative form of synth-pop.

During one school year, Mark and his buddy Curtis from Chicago shared an apartment.  Curtis was really into house music as well.  One day Curtis and I were listening to a house music song and he asked me if I knew what instrument was making a particular sound in the song.

"A synthesizer?" I ventured.

He just smiled and nodded his head.  Thanks Mrs. Drewes.

Eventually new wave and synth-pop gave way to dance-pop, hip-hop, and hair metal.  In the early 90s grunge became popular.  Grunge was kind of a hybrid of heavy metal and punk rock.  So, when grunge became popular it was kind of like punk rock got its revenge.

I never liked grunge.  I still liked new wave and synth-pop and the dance-pop of the 80s.  But, the music I'd enjoyed was gone.

I recall enjoying the film The Wedding Singer which was released in 1998 but had a story set in 1985.

The Wedding Singer and The Wedding Singer Volume 2 contain some great post-punk, new wave songs including some synth-pop songs.  The albums feature songs by Culture Club, The Police, the Cars, the Thompson Twins, Billy Idol, New Order, and more.

One of the reasons I bought The Wedding Singer is because it contained the New Order track "Blue Monday".  Even though Mark had introduced me to New Order back in college, I don't recall him ever playing "Blue Monday".  So, when I noticed The Wedding Singer contained that song I had to buy it.

"Blue Monday" is kind of a special song.  On March 7, 1983 New Order pioneered dance music with the release of the best selling 12-inch single of all time - "Blue Monday".  It continues to stand as the best-selling 12" single of all time.  In addition to being labeled a synth-pop classic, it has been described as a crucial link between seventies disco and the dance/house boom that took off at the end of the eighties.

I have a confession that I waited until now to make.  I don't remember hearing the terms new wave or synth-pop or New Romantic when I was in high school or college.  I didn't read music magazines like Rolling Stone or Billboard.  I listened to the radio and watched music videos but I don't recall ever hearing those terms.  My musical world was still divided simply into rock and country.  And, rock was divided into soft and hard rock.  That's about as complicated as it got.  Yes, I'd heard of disco and soul and blue grass and when I was heading off to college there was this new thing called rap.  Nonetheless, I didn't have knowledge of a myriad of genres and terms that the music industry used.

I didn't even necessarily notice the use of synthesizers in some of those synth-pop songs I enjoyed.  I feel kind of stupid even mentioning that.  But, there was a time I mainly just listened to the lyrics and the melody and some songs hooked me and I liked them and some didn't.

With the advent of the internet I was able to research genres like house music which led me to synth-pop and its origins with German bands like Kraftwerk and the disco songs of producer Giorgio Moroder.

Now, when I listen to songs carefully I hear all kinds of things going on.  Wow!  Listen to that synth line!  Wow!  Listen to that drum track! 

But, basically I know whether I like a song or not regardless of the instrumentation.  I enjoy synth-pop but I enjoy old rock and roll as well.  I enjoy hard rock and soft rock.  I enjoy country music.  If I like a song I don't really care if there's a real drummer playing drums or a drum machine is being used.  I can enjoy both. 

Generally, I was a typical teenager of the 80s.  Yes, I was one of those teenagers listening to new wave music including synth-pop, watching music videos, and watching John Hughes movies like Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Weird Science and loving every minute of it. 

My younger sister especially enjoyed Hughes's Pretty in Pink which prominently features the song "If You Leave" by English electronic band Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (OMD). 

Sure, it's a cliché to say that new wave music was the "soundtrack" of my teen years.  Nonetheless, that music certainly was a big presence in my coming-of-age process. 

Have you ever wondered why we have so many vivid memories of our teenage years?  Our ability to recall so many of our adolescent experiences with such striking clarity is called the "reminiscence bump" by scientists.

As we all know, being a teenager is intense, and is often filled with soaring highs and abysmal lows.  It is also a time of life when a lot of people navigate new milestones and situations for the first time.  As a result, teenagers have a lot of powerful emotional experiences - be they happy, sad, scary, thrilling, or something else entirely - that imprint themselves heavily upon us.  In other words, our brain does a good job of filing these vivid memories away on a more permanent level because they are highly significant at the time.

Music is often a key component of many of those memories.

I feel fortunate to have been a teen during such an interesting time in the evolution of popular music.  I'm glad I had all of that music to excite me, inspire me, comfort me, and console me.  And, I got to share it with family, friends, and girlfriends.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

By the way, Frankie says relax and Tommy Tutone is still trying to call Jenny at that same number.  You know the one.

My Two Proms

I saw my older sister escorted to four proms before I got to attend my first prom.  I eagerly awaited being old enough to go to prom.  I longed to wear a tuxedo and attend this special event, hopefully with a stunning beauty on my arm.

The prom has become an American teenage institution.  Tickets are purchased and the RSVP process is completed.  Dresses are bought.  Appointments are made at hair and nail salons.  Tanning sessions are booked.  Corsages and boutonnieres are purchased.  Tuxedos are rented.  Limos are rented.  Restaurant reservations are made.  Hotel and motel accommodations are booked.  Cell phones and cameras are charged and ready for use.  Care is taken to coordinate the aforementioned dresses, tuxedos, and flowers.  A pumice stone and quality razor may be employed on the sacred day as well.

Why does this high school ritual so thoroughly captivate our culture?  Why is planning and achieving the perfect prom experience seen by many teenagers as the capstone of their high school experience? 

I'll be damned if I know.  And yet, I was no different than them at that age.  I too dreamed of having the perfect prom.  Although just what the hell the perfect prom entails I haven't a clue.  My junior and senior proms were each disappointing and anticlimactic in their own way.

* * * *

The theme for the Postville High School Prom of 1985 was "I Can't Fight This Feeling."  Thank you REO Speedwagon.  A banquet was held at St. Paul's Lutheran Church followed by a dance at Dreamland Ballroom.  The night was reasonably enjoyable except for one minor detail.  The love of my life came to the prom with someone else.

Anne (not her real name) and I had gone out on and off for a little over a year.  She was from a different high school.  I'd met her at a church retreat.  Then she dumped me in January of '85.  Her dumping me might have had something to do with the fact that I ignored her all day at one of my wrestling tournaments.  "Hey, I'm here to win a wrestling title not talk to you woman!"

Soon she was dating one of my classmates.  What the hell?

After wrestling season had ended, I started dating someone else as well.  But, I was still in love with Anne.

When prom was nearing I talked to Anne one evening in person. 

"Did he ask you to prom?"  I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"Did you say yes?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied quietly.

Something was amiss in the universe.  My world was turned upside down.  The love of my life was going to my junior prom with another guy.  She didn't even attend the same high school and she'd only been dating him a few months.  And yet, she was going to prom with him.  My prom.

Never fear.  I still went to prom.  I'd been looking forward to it for years.  I wasn't going to give up now.

So, I asked Dianne to prom.  I'll call her Dianne because she reminded me of Dianne Chambers from Cheers sometimes.  She was a cute, intelligent blond.  I kind of wondered what this freshman girl saw in some brute like me.  I'm surprised she didn't find me amazingly boring.  I guess my quiet nature was a challenge for her.  She claimed she was a good detective and was going to figure me out.  

I'd always imagined I'd wear a tailcoat (tails) because I thought it looked cool and I think I'd seen some upperclassmen wear them.  But, I browsed through the formal wear selections in a catalogue at Don's Jewelry and Men's Wear and picked out a basic tuxedo with a white jacket, black trousers, black vest, and black bow tie. 

I didn't look as good as James Bond or Humphrey Bogart.  Technically I shouldn't have worn a white jacket seeing as I wasn't in the tropics or at a summer country club party.  But, I suppose a high school prom isn't a strict black-tie event anyway.  At least I wasn't wearing a powder blue tux and a ruffled shirt.  I'm glad I skipped the tailcoat too.  I wasn't attending a state dinner after all. 

I drove to Dianne's house on that sacred Saturday in April.  We took some pictures and then drove back to my house and took some more pictures. 

A banquet was held before the dance.  It was fun to see everyone dressed up in their finery.  It was hard to see Anne walking in with my classmate.  I was wishing she was my date.  I admit I wasn't the best date that night. 

Nonetheless, we had a nice meal.  I believe there was a slide show with candid pictures of students.  I believe there was some entertainment.  I seem to recall Greg and Joni singing "Almost Paradise."  Maybe it was two other people or maybe nobody sang.  But, that's how I remember it. 

We drove to Dreamland after the banquet for the dance.  Dianne and I took part in the grand march.  It was uncomfortable seeing Anne during the grand march.
She approached me at some point early in the dance. 

She said my mom wanted to take a picture of us.  I told her I would oblige them a little later.  I was thinking Why the hell would I get my picture taken with this girl who dumped me and is here with another guy?

I know my mom meant well and it made sense I suppose.  But, I never had a picture of Anne and I taken together and I guess my mom got tired of waiting and left.  Of course years later I now wish I'd had the picture taken.  But, at the time I couldn't be the selfless, considerate person and pose for a picture.  Maybe I thought I was being considerate to my date as well at the time.

Anne and I stepped outside later in the evening at her request to talk.  She told me she'd actually tried to back out of her prom date but one of my classmate's mothers had gotten wind of it and told Anne she was a terrible person for breaking a prom date.  So, Anne acquiesced and kept the date but wasn't planning on seeing him after that night.  We talked for quite a while.  I guess our dates got concerned or annoyed because they came to retrieve us at some point. 

Dianne and I went to the post-prom activities like raffle drawings for door prizes and a post-prom breakfast.  Then I drove her home and that was the end of my first prom. 

Anne and I got back together shortly after prom.  I believe at some point she even said that she would never break up with me again.  We'd be together forever.  So, of course, she dumped me a couple weeks later.  I guess forever means two weeks in teen speak.  Oh, well.  I guess that sort of thing is par for the course when you're a teenager. 

Dianne never held a grudge about my failing to be a good prom date.  I guess she knew I still loved Anne and she couldn't change that.  Dianne was a compassionate, big-hearted person. 

* * * *

In 1986 formal wear giant After Six capitalized on the hit TV show Miami Vice by introducing the Miami Vice line.  The tuxedo jackets featured colors like Fiesta Blue, Flamingo, and Purple Haze.  The jackets were paired with white trousers which made sense considering the show's subtropical locale.  I remember being with my buddy Brad when he ordered his Miami Vice tux from The Corner Clothier. 

I was familiar with the show but not an avid fan so I didn't particularly want a Miami Vice tuxedo.  I happened to walk into B&B Clothing in Waukon one day and saw a tuxedo on display that called to me.  It was a black tuxedo with a red bow tie and cummerbund.  AND, it also featured a red scarf!  So, it was my school colors (black and red) and it had that cool scarf.  I, of course, ordered it immediately.

Hey, don't judge me.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I'm not sure if it's called an evening scarf or an opera scarf but I'd never seen anything like it before and I thought it looked mighty swanky.

I had a tuxedo.  Now I just needed a date. 

I thought about asking Rachel, a girl from Decorah I'd met the summer before my sophomore year of high school.  We'd kind of lost touch but had recently seen each other again at a teen dance.  I'd visited her a couple times since then.  But, I had some reservations about asking her.  What is she said "yes" but in turn asked me to attend her prom?

I'd met Lynn on a junior high 4-H trip to Des Moines to visit the Iowa State Capitol.  I'd sat by her on the bus ride at times.  When we returned home, she said perhaps we would meet on a 4-H trip to Washington D.C. one day.  Well, that never happened but we did see each other at the county fair occasionally during our high school years.  So, when I called her about prom it wasn't totally out of the blue.  It's not like she'd forgotten who I was.  She didn't exactly turn me down.  She just said she wasn't sure her boyfriend would be okay with her attending prom with me even if only as a friend.

I wanted to ask Michelle but I knew she was bringing a guy from Iowa City.

What about Dianne again?  No, I already hurt her once.  She'd probably laugh in my face or cuss me out for daring to ask her to prom again.

Asking Anne was out of the question.  I'm not saying I never saw her again after we broke up.  I did see and talk to her occasionally.  We even kissed a few times after breaking up.  I think we may have even went through a period of "going out" where the idea was that we could see each other and see others as well.  That never works out.  People just end up jealous and hurt.  I knew we were never going to actually be a couple again.

During the fall of my senior year I returned a picture that belonged to her.  I returned it safe and sound.  But, since I simply mailed her the picture without any accompanying letter or note I guess she took it as a slight and was not too pleased with me.  That didn't stop her from showing up at my house around Christmas time with her boyfriend in tow.  The nerve of that girl.

She did actually call me sometime before prom that year partly to explain why her boyfriend had been with her when she stopped by during the holiday season.  She let me know that she was happy going out with this boy from her own high school but that she would always cherish the time we'd spent together. 

Her sweet words touched me and made me feel special.  But, that didn't change my current situation.

So, I eventually ran out of options.  After all these machinations, the upshot was that I still had no date for prom. 

My buddy Chris came to the rescue.  I think he'd been following my situation and sympathizing.  At some point we decided to go "stag." 

Stag is defined as "a person who attends a social gathering unaccompanied by a partner."

Going stag sounded nice.  It had a nice ring to it.  It suggested that going to prom alone was a choice.

I think Chris could have taken a girl he'd been spending some time with that year.  But, for some reason he decided that he and I and a couple of other guys would attend prom as a group.  I guess I'll never know if he did this as a favor to me, an old friend, or if he had other reasons. 

I seem to recall one of my classmates breaking up with his girlfriend shortly before prom and then asking a sophomore to go with him.  I think she found out about his breakup and let him know she didn't want to be his rebound date and that she didn't want to be used to get over his ex.  Well, he must have convinced her of his sincerity because they did end up attending prom together.

Another senior classmate asked a freshman girl to be his date although I think he was a bit concerned he might get teased about it. 

I didn't care much for how I looked on the day of prom.  I'd made the lamentable decision to have my hair permed a few weeks before.  In my defense, I wasn't the only senior boy to try changing his look by adding some curl to his hair.  The year before I'd gotten a rattail haircut after wrestling season.  I assume I must have cut the rat tail off before my junior prom.  But, there wasn't much I could do about my frizzy permed hair. 

I also wasn't too happy with my red opera scarf.  It didn't seem to lie comfortably on my tuxedo so my mom pinned it down.  It didn't look cool like it had on the mannequin.  I'm not sure why I didn't just leave it at home.  I guess the point of getting that particular tuxedo had been the cool scarf so I wasn't going to back out on wearing it now.  We snapped of few pictures of me anyway and then I was off.

 

After driving to Postville and meeting up with the other guys, our motley crew decided to drive to Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. It wasn't uncommon for people in the Postville area to cross over the Mississippi into Wisconsin as a pleasant diversion.

As I recall we stopped at McDonald's for a snack and later at Dairy Queen for another snack. I think we may have walked around a big discount store. We may have even looked at a display of prophylactics. I'm not sure if that actually happened but I can imagine four male teenagers scrutinizing the condom selection even if the chance of anyone having sex that night was highly unlikely.

 

We drove back and waited to get into the banquet. I think Kathryn said she liked my scarf which made me feel a little better. I wasn't very hungry for the meal after all of that snacking.

 

Everyone was announced upon entering the banquet. Some of my classmates tried to be funny.

 

One couple was introduced as Master Jeffrey D. (blank) and Ms. (blank). Andy O. simply had himself introduced as James Bond as I recall. I guess I could have had myself introduced as lord, earl, or duke but I wasn't that clever.

 

 

At the dance, the traditional grand march was performed. Everyone found a partner to promenade around the ballroom with except me. I swear to God there wasn't one girl left unattached. Some people had their dates of course but even those without dates coupled up. While everyone was taking part in this opening ceremony, I was standing there alone feeling totally humiliated. I was mortified. Everyone must think I'm a huge loser. I suppose they didn't necessarily notice me since they were all promenading around showing off their finery. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to disappear. Pick the expression you like. I'm still kind of embarrassed now all these years later. 

 

I did have a bit of good fortune at the dance though. Before long I noticed Dianne at the dance. I think perhaps she had performed at the banquet as part of a group and was therefore allowed to attend the dance. I was happy to see her. She was kind and we danced and talked. 

 

Prom may not have lived up to my fantasy. It wasn't the transcendent, sublime experience I was hoping for. But, I got to take part in this great American teenage ritual and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

 

           












 

 

 



 

 



A Woman Named Doris

Doris was the name of one my professors at the small liberal arts college I attended back in the late 1980s.  She had divorced late in life and earned a B.A. degree at the age of 50.  She entered a graduate program at the age of 52 and was 62 when I met her in 1986.  I don't think of 62 as old now though at the time I suppose it seemed ancient. 

Doris didn't mind being called by her first name.  However, on one occasion a male colleague introduced a group of professors by saying, "This is  Dr. So-and-So and this is Dr. So-and-So."  When he got to Doris he simply introduced her as Doris Cottam instead of Dr. Cottam.  She felt slighted and accused him of neglecting to introduce her properly because she was a woman and he of course denied any wrongdoing.

Doris readily admitted to being a feminist.  She believed in equal pay for equal work.  She detested the idea that women be expected to be content being kept "barefoot and pregnant."  But, that didn't mean she didn't like men. 

"Some people say I hate men.  That's not true!  I love men!  In fact, if you know of any eligible men you'd like to introduce me to please do so," she told us in one class.

She didn't mind being called opinionated either.

"Some people say I'm opinionated.  You're darn right I am!  I've worked long and hard to cultivate these opinions.  There's nothing wrong with having an opinion!"

The first class I had with Doris was Introduction to Sociology (Sociology 101).  She had us all experiment with breaking societal norms.  A couple of my female classmates attended a church and held hands and acted very affectionate suggesting they were a gay couple.  They got a lot of looks and stares.  Today, two women or men holding hands might not be noteworthy at all.

I suppose I could break a norm now by wearing a confederate flag tee shirt and a red Donald Trump MAGA hat and see how many people verbally attack me and threaten me bodily harm. 

She held a contest one day in class.  The contest involved three males vying for the title of Sociology Queen.  No gay jokes please.  The idea was that she wanted the males to act in a stereotypical feminine way.  I was one of the contestants.

The three of us stepped outside the door before making an entrance.  I came waltzing in trying to act like a beauty queen.  When I reached the center of the room I slowly turned around so the class could get a good look at my backside and then turned to face them again with a big smile.  That got a lot of laughs.  The other two guys just walked in and didn't really play the part which disappointed Doris who was simply trying to teach us something about gender stereotypes.  So, I was Sociology Queen in the fall of 1986.  Top that.

I had other classes with Doris like Person and Society, American Minorities, and Marriage and Family.

Doris liked to use personal anecdotes to get her message across.  She readily admitted her father was a bigot.  He had a name for every ethnic group.  African Americans were the N-word.  Mexicans were spics.  Jews were kikes.  Italians were wops.  I can only imagine what he called Asians. 

Her husband had left her for some young, blond thing.  She admitted to us that she begged and pleaded with him not to go through with it.  But, he couldn't be swayed.  When they divorced she ended up being hospitalized for depression.  She couldn't stand to sleep under the covers of the bed they'd shared.  She would lay down on the bed and put a blanket or Afghan over herself and tell herself she was just napping.  Somehow that made it okay.

Eventually she picked herself up and returned to college pursuing her dream of being a teacher.

Although she was a feminist and concerned about equality and barriers women faced like the so-called glass ceiling, she was concerned about men as well.  She was concerned about the pressures that men felt to be strong and never show their emotions and to be the breadwinner.

Anthony disagreed with her and thought that's the way things should be.  A man had to be a man. 

"Well, Anthony, I'm afraid the stress you're putting on yourself is going to give you a heart attack one day," she said sadly.

If Doris were still around she might be one of the few people to acknowledge the plight of men in contemporary America.  Why has suicide in men increased dramatically?  Why are men's testosterone and sperm counts plummeting?  Why is it that considerably more women go to and graduate from college?  Women now decisively outnumber men in graduate school as well.  Why is that?  What is happening to American men?  Yes, Doris was a feminist and was concerned about the so-called patriarchy but she cared about boys and men too.

I don't recall global warming/climate change being a hot topic when I was in college although the terms were in use.  We were more concerned about the ozone layer and chlorofluorocarbons I suppose.  I don't recall anyone being concerned that the polar ice caps might melt or that life on Earth was in imminent danger. 

What was Doris concerned about?  Diapers.  That's right.  Doris was concerned about the number of disposable diapers filling up our landfills.  Diapers that take 500 years to decompose.  Doris was concerned about pollution.  I think young people today are so concerned about life on Earth ending in the near future because of climate change they don't think that much about regular old pollution anymore.  What would Doris have to say about climate change?  As hip as Doris was I think even she would have some doubts about the so-called Green New Deal.

Doris taught me the word androgyny.  She wanted us to consider the role that socialization played in shaping how we viewed gender roles.

One day around the holiday season Doris's granddaughter said, "Grandma, we have to buy a Christmas present for a boy because we're having a gift exchange at school and I got a boy's name."

Doris replied, "Why do we have to get a boy gift?  Why can't we get a gift that a boy or girl could enjoy?  Who decides what is a boy gift or a girl gift?"

The granddaughter was used to this sort of talk from her grandmother and said, "Well, Grandma, you know that and I know that but they don't know that."

They bought a boy gift.

Doris was hip to androgyny.  But, would she surprised to hear a person can choose any number of genders now?  Would she be okay with an anatomical boy being in a girls restroom because he believed he was trapped in the wrong body?

Doris was tolerant of gay people.  Would she be happy about gay marriage? Would she be cool with the acronym LGBT or even LGBTQIA?  Or, would she think things had gone a wee too far?

She was tolerant of transgender people as well.  But, would she think a student requesting to be referred to as "they" instead of he or she was going a bit too far?  What would she think of the fuss over pronouns?

What would Doris think of the #MeToo movement?  We spoke in her classes of sexual harassment and sexual assault and the objectification of women.  But, would she put wolf-whistling and cat-calling under the same umbrella as sexual assault? 

Doris told us that sometimes in old movies a female would be acting hysterical and a man would slap her to bring her to her senses.  Doris said, "By God, if a man ever slapped me he'd rue the day!"

And yet, Doris said when a man in a movie lit two cigarettes in his mouth and then gave one to his lady friend it was romantic as hell. 

One day I told Doris that my girlfriend had dumped me because her parents didn't want her marrying some "farm boy."  Doris found this interesting from a sociological point of view.  She even mentioned it in class one day saying that she'd recently spoken with a young man who had been the victim of class discrimination.

When I was talking to her that day though she wasn't being the professor.  She was simply being a friend and told me, "Well, Tharin, it's true what they say.  There's plenty of fish in the sea.  Forget about her.  You can do better."

I wonder what Doris would think of college kids demanding free tuition and other things?  Sure, she was a liberal and no doubt despised inequality.  On the other hand, she had lived through an abusive father, World War II, and a divorce.  She came from humble beginnings and worked hard all her life.  But, she also acknowledged that certain institutions and policies had helped her along the way.  Perhaps she'd tell some of these so-called snowflakes to develop some backbone and grow the hell up.  Then again, she might admire their spunk and activism.

Doris was voted Professor of the Year in 1991.  She retired a few years later.  Doris also ran for a seat in the Iowa House of Representatives.  I don't believe she won.  Too bad.  She would have enjoyed shaking things up.

Doris passed away in 2006.  She was a woman of faith.  If she's in heaven perhaps she has a glass of champagne in one hand and a cigarette in the other and is giving God an earful whether he/she/they wants it or not.

Regarding Breakfast

I ordered two eggs, toast, and sausage.  But, I was just getting started.  I also asked for two pastries and two large glasses of orange juice. 

Getting down to 98 pounds for the first time during my sophomore wrestling season wasn't easy.  I'd wrestled 98 pounds as a freshman but only weighed about 100 pounds naturally so it hadn't been a big deal making weight.  But, when my sophomore season began I weighed 110 pounds and 12 pounds was a lot to lose when I was already fairly lean to begin with.

I didn't know what the hell I was doing.  I didn't know anything about counting calories or dieting or losing weight.  I just thought I could skip a few meals and sweat the rest off.  That didn't work.  So, I didn't eat or drink much of anything that final week leading up to the weigh-in for that first competition.

Somehow I made weight.  But, I was starving.  And, I was dehydrated and dying of thirst.  Hence, the big breakfast I ordered that morning. 

My mom took me to The Grill, a local restaurant, for breakfast that morning.  I think she was a little surprised by the amount of food I ordered.  The waitress didn't bat an eye as I made my order.  I guess she was used to hungry wrestlers. 

After I got used to making weight I wasn't always so hungry.  In fact, sometimes I wasn't hungry at all.  After making weight for the South Winneshiek Tournament, we all went to a local restaurant for breakfast.  I guess cutting weight had affected my appetite because I only had a couple bites of eggs and a glass of milk.  I got some Peanut M&M'S from a vending machine on the way out.  It wasn't the healthiest breakfast.  But, I won the tournament that day so I guess it didn't hurt.

The wrestlers from Riceville were in the restaurant that morning as well.  We noticed that they all had pancakes.  Perhaps it was a team tradition.  After breakfast they all walked back to the high school instead of riding in their bus. 

This combination of pancake eating and walking generated some theorizing by my teammates.  Did the walk back aid in the digestion and assimilation of their high carbohydrate meal?  Would this high carbohydrate meal give them stamina for the long day of wrestling ahead of us? 

As I recall the Riceville wrestlers did very well that day.  They may have won the tournament that day or been runner-up.  The power of pancakes!

I ate breakfast at some other restaurants that season as well.  At one of these restaurants, one of my teammates decided he wanted a candy bar in addition to what he had already ordered.  He had an underclassman buy it for him because he was too embarrassed to do it himself after having already ordered a large breakfast.

We ate odd things at times.  Have you ever had a chocolate shake at 7:30 AM?  Well, when you're hungry and dehydrated it tastes pretty damn good.  A Pepsi in the early morning hours tastes great too when you haven't had any liquids for twenty-four hours.

                                                    * * * * 

Several years later I found myself on a psychiatric unit being treated for an eating disorder.  My weight was lower than even during my high school wrestling days.  My weight hadn't been that low since junior high.

Now, I was literally in danger of starving to death.  But, I still didn't feel much like eating.  It was difficult at first.  I hadn't eaten "normally" for a long time. 

A typical breakfast on the unit consisted of a protein like scrambled eggs or sausage, cereal, a starch like toast or a muffin, milk, and juice or fruit.  I'm sure the eggs were powdered, liquid, or boil-in-bag.  They weren't too bad.  You can't expect too much when eggs are made on a mass scale.  Sometimes we had precooked omelets that were all uniform in size and texture as though they had been stamped out by a machine in cookie-cutter fashion.

Sometimes my fellow eating disorder patients and I had to make our own breakfasts in the occupational therapy kitchen.  We were each given a laminated card specifying how many meats, grains, fruits, milks, and fats we had to consume for breakfast.  As I recall, one egg equals one meat (protein) serving as does two sausages or two strips of bacon.  We had plenty of grains (carbohydrates) to choose from.  Frozen waffles and pancakes, bread for toasting, bagels, muffins, and hot and cold cereal were in abundance. 

I almost always made scrambled eggs.  I usually had three eggs to fulfil my protein requirements.  One day I couldn't have eggs.  I don't remember if they had run out of eggs or told me I had to try something different.  So, I had six sausage links.  Don't think I can handle it?  F*ck it.  I'll show you.

I didn't care much for OT kitchen.  Danielle liked it.  She enjoyed being able to make her own French toast.  I'd rather just eat whatever is on the tray in front of me. 

By the way, the French do eat French toast.  But, they call it pain perdu (lost bread).  You can soak a piece of hard or stale bread in a mixture of milk and egg and fry it.  What would have been "lost" bread now becomes a tasty meal.


                                                     * * * *

It's interesting that I ate big breakfasts during those wrestling years and during those times I was hospitalized because as a kid I didn't care for breakfast much at all.  Consuming food in the early morning hours just never appealed to me.  I had to be awake and active for a few hours before I had any appetite.  I think my mother remembers me "gagging" on cereal as a youngster.  It didn't matter how much sugar I poured on it.  I still couldn't handle a bowl of cereal too well.

We lived in a trailer until I was 6 or 7 years old as I recall.  We had an addition built onto the trailer that housed our living room and my parents' bedroom.  One morning I told my mother I was going to finish my cereal in the living room.  There was a door at the front of the living room that opened to the outdoors.  So, I took my bowl of cereal to the living room and walked out the door with it.  I threw what was left in my bowl onto the ground a little ways from the trailer.  Then I came back inside, waited what I believed to be a reasonable amount of time, and took my empty bowl to my mother claiming I had finished my cereal.  She bought it!

I, of course, have no witnesses to back up this story.  Maybe it's just some legend I made up and repeated over the years because I found it humorous.  It must have happened though because it seems unlikely I would have such a memory if it hadn't actually occurred.  I even seem to recall the cereal being Rice Krispies.  I hated breakfast.

There were, however, exceptions to this breakfast-hating inclination.  I have always enjoyed pancakes.  Pancakes were popular in our household.  In fact, they became a Saturday morning tradition.  Sometimes my mom would make French toast or a big batch of scrambled eggs.  If we were really lucky she'd get out the waffle maker.  We had waffles a lot less frequently than pancakes but that made getting to have waffles extra special.

Sometimes my mom would make me a "pancake man."  I would lift that heavy bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's and pour syrup on him.  I might spread a little butter on him as well and then begin to slowly devour him.  Just to clarify, I was a little boy when she made me pancake men.  She didn't make me them when I as a teenager.  I swear.

I also enjoyed presweetened breakfast cereals.  Cap'n Crunch, Honey-Comb, Froot Loops, and Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles were all favorites just to name a few.

The makers of these cereals didn't even hide the fact that they were sugar coated.  They celebrated it!  For example, Frosted Flakes were originally called Sugar Frosted Flakes.  And, Corn Pops were originally called Sugar Pops. 

All that sugar?  It was a selling point:  It added energy!  Flavor!  It was baked right in so you didn't have to sprinkle it on yourself!

But, then sugar garnered an unfavorable reputation and sugar became a dirty word.  And, that was the end of that.  Sure, they didn't stop making sugar coated cereal.  They just didn't highlight the fact any longer.  For instance, Super Sugar Crisp was renamed Super Golden Crisp and then simply Golden Crisp. 

Another great thing about these cereals is they often had a prize in the box.  I could never be patient and wait for the prize.  If the prize was on the bottom of the box I would tilt the box and dig into the cereal to get at the prize.

Sugary cereals with a prize in the box.  Marketing genius!


                                                     * * * *

Brunch is a combination of breakfast and lunch eaten usually in the late morning to early afternoon.  The word brunch is a portmanteau of breakfast and lunch.

I've eaten brunch on a few occasions in my life.

Livingood's Supper Club was a restaurant located in the small town of Frankville.  I grew up on a farm near Frankville so my family ate there from time to time.  At some point Livingood's began serving brunch on Sunday.  The church my family attended was just down the street from Livingood's so brunch there was an easy option.

As I recall the brunch buffet included scrambled eggs, sausages, sweet and sour pork, hash browns, vegetarian lasagna, waffles, cinnamon rolls, and juice.  

* * * *

While in college I worked in the foodservice (i.e. the cafeteria).  The cafeteria served hot cereal every day.  Sometimes it was oatmeal.  Or, it might be Malt-O-Meal or Cream of Wheat.  Cold cereal was available any time of day as I recall.

I think some sort of eggs were served daily.

I'm not sure if I'd ever eaten a bagel before going to college.  I think having a bagel with cream cheese was a new experience for me.  My family wasn't a bagel eating family I guess. 

Toward the end of my college tenure the cafeteria added an omelet bar.  You could only pick three ingredients to add to your omelet.  Some guys went back for seconds so I think the administration made a rule limiting diners to one omelet.

The cafeteria also introduced self-service Belgian waffle makers.  Diners could ladle some batter into the maker, flip it, and wait for the timer to go off.  These Belgian waffles were often available in the evening in case none of the dinner options appealed to you.

When I was a senior I took to eating a lot of Pop Tarts.  The cafeteria had Pop Tarts available every morning and they became my principal breakfast food.  However, the cafeteria served pancakes every Wednesday morning.  So, on Wednesdays I had pancakes. 

* * * *

Back in my wrestling days I became kind of fascinated by so-called blockbuster breakfasts.  Some places served these "blockbuster breakfasts" with some variation of the following:  two eggs any style, your choice of breakfast meat (bacon, sausage, or ham), hash browns, and your choice of toast or pancakes.

Like I'm going to choose toast over pancakes.  As if!

On a television travel program I once saw the female host go to The Ritz London for breakfast.  She ordered the full English breakfast (aka the full English or fry-up).  The full English breakfast often consists of bacon, fried egg, sausage, mushrooms, baked beans, toast, grilled tomatoes, and accompanied with tea or coffee.

There's an interesting scene in Phantom Thread where the character Reynolds Woodcock makes an extensive breakfast order when he encounters a lovely waitress named Alma.

"A Welsh Rabbit with a poached egg on top - not too runny.  Bacon.  Scones.  Butter.  Cream.  Jam - not strawberry. "

After a brief pause he also orders a pot of lapsang tea and some sausages.

I'm not sure why he gives such a ridiculously long order.  Is he truly that hungry?  Is he trying to impress the waitress with the quantity of food he can ingest?  Does he simply desire to keep the waitress in his presence as long as he can by slowly giving his long order?  Yes, his breakfast order appears to be pure flirtation.

By the way, a Welsh Rabbit is a dish made with a savory sauce of melted cheese and various other ingredients and served hot after being poured over slices of toasted bread.

There's also a funny scene in Five Easy Pieces where a character played by Jack Nicholson is in a restaurant requesting a plain omelet, coffee, and a side order of wheat toast.  He's informed that they don't have side orders of toast but that he can have an English muffin or a coffee roll.  But, he wants toast. 

So, he ingeniously orders a plain omelet, coffee, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast.  Just hold the butter, lettuce, and mayonnaise he says.  And, if she holds the chicken as well he can have his wheat toast and she won't be breaking any rules.  And, he almost gets away with it but the waitress gets a bit snippy with him and he retaliates by telling her that he wants her to hold the chicken between her knees.  So, she kicks him and his three companions out of the restaurant. 

                                                     * * * *

Pancakes are one of my favorite breakfast foods.  My family had pancakes almost every Saturday while I was growing up.  We would also go to a place called Walden Pond from time to time to have sourdough pancakes with real maple syrup.

If there were ever any leftover pancakes from breakfast I would eat them later in the day as a snack.  I would top a cold pancake with butter and sugar.

I think I learned how to make pancakes while in elementary school.  I think we got to make breakfast one morning.  I was in charge of pancakes but didn't know when to turn them.  My teacher told me to cook the first side until bubbles formed on top and then the cakes were ready to flip.

I ate a lot of pancakes during my wrestling career.  I ate pancakes for my breakfast before a tournament.  I sometimes ate pancakes in the late afternoon as a pre-competition meal before dual meets.

I even had buttermilk pancakes at Perkins before wrestling in the state tournament.

A year earlier I attended the state tournament as a spectator.  I went with a couple of fellow wrestlers.  One morning we went to a diner for breakfast and Chris ordered pigs in a blanket.  But, when he got his order he proceeded to take his pigs (sausages) out of their blankets (pancakes) and eat them in normal fashion which I thought was kind of funny.  Surely, he could simply have ordered pancakes and sausage, right? 

I recall Brad, Darren, and I ending up at Sheila's house a couple of times after midnight and her making us breakfast.  Yes, pancakes were on the menu.  I recall her making buckwheat pancakes.  I guess her family must have liked the taste.  I don't recall the buckwheat pancakes looking or tasting too different from regular pancakes.  We just found it humorous. 

"Hey, we're eating buckwheat pancakes!"

Yes, I've had McDonald's Hotcakes and Sausage.  Yes, I like them.  Why are they called hotcakes?  I think it's just a marketing thing.  I've never had a McGriddle Sandwich, nor have I had a Croissan'wich from their competitor Burger King.  Yes, I've had Hardee's biscuits.  I don't recall ever being in a Dunkin' Donuts or a Denny's or even a Starbucks.

I had to live in a care facility for a while a few years ago.  I got a pass one Saturday morning and two lovely ladies took me out for breakfast at a popular local diner.  Yes, I ordered pancakes.  However, on that day I was really more interested in the female sitting next to me in the booth than the pancakes.

You may think that a guy so enamored with pancakes would have surely been to the International House of Pancakes (IHOP).  But, no.  I don't recall an IHOP being nearby while growing up.  But, now I have no excuse because there's an IHOP a few miles away from where I live.

IHOP serves French toast and omelets as well as pancakes.  But, of course, I'll order pancakes.  It's the International House of Pancakes for crying out loud. 
What else could I possibly order?

Of course if the waitress is cute I may get carried away and inadvertently end up making a ridiculously long order like Reynolds Woodcock.

"I'll have buttermilk pancakes - short stack.  And French toast - original.  And crepes - sweet cream cheese.  And a Belgian waffle.  And a ham and cheese omelet.  Hash browns.  Pork sausage links.  And hot chocolate."