Farm Life in Verse and Prose

Milk the cows
Feed the sows
From a neighbor get fresh eggs

Shingle a roof
Trim a horse hoof
A newborn calf on wobbly legs

Spring is here, time to plant
A few dry days God please grant
Let me sow the corn my father begs

A field to plow
Wipe sweat from your brow
Fix a broken pipe

No time to goof
Paint something so it's weatherproof
Tractors to polish and wipe

Spring is gone in a poof
Shovels stored in oil to keep them rustproof
The apples are not yet ripe

Mend a barbed wire fence
Haul a load of manure
Use some common sense
Farm on the contour

Here's a grease gun
It's kind of fun
Have to keep the machinery lubed

Reap the crops from the field
Pray for a big yield
Send it into the silo along a big tube

My dad likes only real butter
The sight of margarine makes him shudder
Eat a few ears of corn

Grab an udder
Clean the gutter
My boots are getting worn

Milking cows late afternoon
Sometimes seems inopportune
Come on Dad, I've got a date
I really don't want to be late

I ask to leave early
I have a date
I am pleasant, not too surly
He gives in and says, "Better get going or you'll be late."

Thanks Dad!

We go to the county fair
We take cattle and craft projects there
Everyone is in a good mood
We'll be eating a lot of good food

Grab a burger from the 4-H stand
Perhaps a sandwich from the beef booth
Drink pop in the grandstand
Pie al a mode for my sweet tooth

I hate the Tilt-A-Whirl
But dig the 4-H girls
In them I find no fault
"Come on darling.
Let's go to the dairy booth.
I'll buy you a chocolate malt."

A girl shows her champion steer
In the category known as Beef
To her the creature is so dear
But now she's filled with grief

At the livestock auction she cries
For she knows that he must die
The pain cuts like a knife
But she knows it's the circle of life

The green alfalfa has been cut
In the sun it's left to bake
When it's dry on one side
I flip it with a rake

It's a hot, sunny day.  I'm going to rake the hay.  I'm not talking about a garden rake.  I'm referring to a farm implement called a rake that one pulls behind a tractor.  The rake turns the rows of cut alfalfa into nice windrows that can dry in the sun before being baled.  The finished product is called hay.  Straw, on the other hand, is made from oat chaff.  Both are important commodities on a dairy farm.

Before I leave for the field my dad scolds me for not wearing a cap. 

"You should cover your head in this heat," he says.

I sigh and give him a weary look.  I think I manage not to roll my eyes.  I know he means well and is just concerned about my welfare.  But, I never cared much for caps and I'm a teenager who thinks he's invincible.  I sometimes acquiesce and grab a cap.

I'll be in the blazing sun driving in circles on a little tractor for quite some time.  I want to go shirtless but don't want to get burned.  I hate wearing sunblock.  So, I bring along a long-sleeved shirt.  I alternate between going shirtless and wearing the long sleeves.  Why not wear a short-sleeved shirt?  Are you kidding?  I'm not going to get the dreaded farmer's tan.

Farmer's tan - A tan that is only on the arms and neck of a person because he or she was wearing a short-sleeved shirt when the tanning occurred.  The rest of the torso is white from lack of exposure.  Farmers get this because they do a lot of labor in the sun.  This can also happen to people involved in outdoor sports like golf, tennis, baseball, and softball.

So, I rake the hay.  Glad it's a sunny day.  Round and round the field I go.  I listen to the radio. 

My Grandpa Lester uses the 4040 John Deere to pull the kicker baler.  The baler literally kicks (throws, ejects) the square bales into the wagons.  Twine holds the bales together.  Some balers have a counter so you can track how many bales you've produced.

The wagons of hay bales get unloaded and stored in our barn.  Sometimes the area where the hay is stored is called the haymow.  Mow rhymes with cow.

The hay is stored in the mow
The bales are stacked very high
Later it will feed the cows
For winter you need a big supply

You unload hay onto an elevator so the bales can be stacked up high.  Unloading hay and stacking it in a hot barn with little airflow is hard work.  You never know for sure how many wagons of bales will come from any given field of hay.

My mother asks, "How many loads will there be?"
My fathers says, "It may be only six, we'll just wait and see."
My mother scoffs and says, "It'll probably be eight or nine."
My father replies, "Then I'll be pleasantly surprised."

After unloading each load, the ladies usually go to the house for a brief respite.  I usually go to the field with my dad to get the next load.  I help switch the wagons so Dad and Grandpa don't have to get off of their tractors.

Before heading back to the field, Dad and I walk over to a nearby water hydrant and drink some water.  I drink and drink and drink some more.  You sweat a lot during hay baling season.

When I was younger we would stop baling hay in the late afternoon because we still needed to milk the cows. 

We'd sit down as a family and have a meal before evening chores.  Perhaps it's egg salad sandwiches.  Maybe Grandma made her potato salad.  We drink some lemonade or Kool-Aid.  Grandpa tells funny stories.  Sometimes he has trouble finishing a story because he gets to laughing so hard.

When I got older we wouldn't stop for a family meal.  I could begin milking the cows and the rest of the family could keep baling hay.  It made sense to keep baling.  Make hay when the sun shines the saying goes.  But, I missed the family meals.

I'm back in school when fall harvest time arrives.  My dad hauls loads of corn from the field.  A neighbor combines the corn.  Sometimes I ride in the cab of the combine with the neighbor and he explains how the big machine works. 

The harvest is soon over
Winter comes and so ends fall
Say goodbye to the clover
Soon snow will blanket all

Put snow chains on tractor tires
Tighten a bolt with your pliers
Cut some wood for the fire
Bed down the cows before you retire

The land is barren and asleep
The farmer gets a respite from the crops
But the farm still requires upkeep
The farm life never stops

That's the cycle of a farmer's life
Reap and sow, reap and sow
It's the same for the housewife
They must go on with the show

Farmers feed the world.

ANF - America Needs Farmers

Ode to My Younger Self

Young man so sweet and innocent

An ode to you, not a lament

You're hoping to look cool

Now that you're in high school

Want the right clothes and cool haircut

You look good so you have to strut

Cool pair of Nike shoes

With those looks you can't lose

See you at your first Homecoming dance

You feel so good, can't help but prance

Maroon sweater, gray slacks

Looking good to the max

Second year is even better

See the redhead, go and get her

Slip her hand into yours

Be a man and open doors

The sweetness of that first real kiss

Thundering crash, shiver of bliss

Can it be love I feel?

Perhaps this joy is real

Some close friends say, “Let's hit the town!”

Challenge us and we won't back down

We've got life by the tail

Knowing we'll never fail

The guys and me go for a cruise

Buying condoms we'll never use

Trying to make our play

Not quite sure what to say

Seeking girls to give us a chance

Always feeling firm in the pants

Most young men mean no harm

Teenage boys just have no charm

I can't wait for the junior prom

Conquer the night with great aplomb

Looking sharp in a tux

Glad that I spent the bucks

The evening goes on and on

Don't get home till the break of dawn

Man, I feel so alive

Won't take long to revive

Senior year is set in motion

Still haven't found a love potion

Take wild girl to first dance

Shocked she gave me a chance

Second dance dateless, I go stag

Looking handsome but I don't brag

Hanging out with a friend

Lonely heart, quick to mend

We might sneak a drink and a smoke

Or maybe we'll just have a Coke

Don't need drugs to feel good

A slow march to manhood

I don't care about Calvin Klein

Wearing my Levis feels just fine

Polo shirt, collar popped

Feeling good, can't be stopped

I soon become a conference champ

Much more than just a little scamp

Starting to be a man

It's time to make a plan

Graduation day, throw the cap

Now real life will give you a slap

Time yet to be carefree

Then off for a degree

Leave for higher education

Parents built a strong foundation

What will my future bring?

Sweetness but with a sting

Have to take some pain with the joy

Cannot remain the little boy

Take time to smell a rose

For tomorrow who knows

I was robust but now am frail

Feeling old, health begins to fail

Now you're long in the tooth

But don't forget your youth

Villanelle for Her

The life in me was beginning to fade
I had no belief I could carry on
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

Could you be the one for whom I had prayed
When you found me I was haggard and drawn
The life in me was beginning to fade

I found that to live a price must be paid
I did not care to see another dawn
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

Life is so tough when you're always afraid
Then I made friends with a beautiful swan
The life in me was beginning to fade

You encouraged me not to be dismayed
I now had someone I could call upon
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

I shall not forget the love you displayed
You brightened my life though now you are gone
The life in me was beginning to fade
Then you dearest darling came to my aid

 



 



Synth-pop, Love, and Friendship

I have to begin with a few words about punk rock.  Punk rock emerged as a reaction to the perceived excesses of mainstream 1970s rock.  Punk rock bands didn't care much for heavily produced music or long guitar solos and the like.  They scornfully rejected contemporary rock which they often regarded as ostentatious or simply lame.  Punk bands wanted to return to a stripped down version of rock and roll with short songs and a rebellious attitude.

The problem with punk is that it never became a big success commercially.  Some punk bands were signed by record labels, toured, and sold records but attempts to get airplay on American radio were mainly futile.

Punk rock groups like the Ramones and the Sex Pistols were highly influential to popular music regardless of record sales or radio airplay.  Nonetheless, punk acts still faced the challenge of not being embraced by the mainstream and thus finding little chart success.  If punk was going to survive it needed to evolve into something more accessible and something more commercial. 

Some record producers were looking for a way to usher these punk bands to the masses.

Some recording artists found a way to present their music in a way that was more palatable to radio and consequently to their audience.  Bands like Blondie and the Talking Heads made the transition into the 1980s by changing their sound.

Seymour Stein, co-founder of Sire Records, is sometimes credited with creating the term new wave as an alternative to punk to describe these bands and their new sound.  Thus, new wave became a marketing term used by the new wave bands of the 1980s to distance themselves from the punk bands of the 1970s.

New wave has always been an ambiguous term.  It can mean pop music with punk influences and it's also been used as a broad catchall term for everything from the late 70s that didn't sound like everything else from the 70s.

One of the most interesting aspects of new wave was the fact that it was so open-ended in terms of style.  This meant that a wide range of groups were able to contribute to the genre thanks to it lacking a certain musical homogeneity.

Some so-called new wave bands that had chart success and received radio airplay on rock stations were Blondie, the Talking Heads, the Police, and the Cars. 

"My Sharona", a single by The Knack, hit number one in 1979 to the delight of many listeners and to the chagrin of some punk purists.

The song, written about a 17-year-old high school student who had caught the eye of the 26-year-old Mr. Fieger, replaced Chic's disco anthem "Good Times" on Billboard's singles chart and came to symbolize the commercial arrival of new wave, the poppier, snazzier-dressed cousin of punk rock.

Yes, Sharona was a real person and girlfriend for four years to Doug Fieger, lead vocalist of The Knack.  She even posed for the single's picture sleeve.

The album Get the Knack was seen by some as the watered-down conclusion of the fading punk movement from a few years earlier, a safe and sanitized version of something that had recently revitalized rock.

Nonetheless, new wave established itself as the new trend in pop music.

This new wave music was interesting.

Devo was telling me to "whip it good" while the Vapors claimed to be "turning Japanese."

Just what the phrase "turning Japanese" means is still up for debate although it seems to be a metaphor for something.

Adam Ant was dancing around in pirate garb and war paint.

Sting from the Police kept singing "de do do do de da da da."

Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders kept telling us, "I'm special, so special."

Were the Clash punk, post-punk, or new wave?  Or, all three?  You tell me.  Regardless, I'm sure you were singing along with "Should I Stay or Should I Go", "Train in Vain", and "Rock the Casbah".

Billy Idol looked how I imagined a punk rocker would look with his leather attire, spiky hair, and snarling lip.  He had, in fact, began as a punk rocker in the band Generation X before embarking on a solo career.  As a solo artist he managed to bridge the gap between punk and new wave to become a rock legend.

Billy Idol was a smash on MTV.  He was amazing with his spiky blond hair and upraised, shaking fist.  If I could only have looked as f*cking cool as Billy Idol.

Bill Idol's Rebel Yell album was released on November 10, 1983.  If my memory serves me correctly and my research is correct, I believe I met my redheaded girlfriend a few days prior to that on Saturday November 5 at a church youth retreat.  I know what you're thinking.  You can't imagine I was ever a pious, well-behaved young Christian man.  Touché'.  Nonetheless, I did meet the red-haired beauty at a church retreat and had probably never even heard of Billy Idol yet.

Malcolm McLaren, former manager of the Sex Pistols, jumped on the new wave bandwagon as well.  He created the new wave band Bow Wow Wow in 1980.  A young man named George was one of the lead singers for a short period before he left and formed his own band called Culture Club, and went on to superstardom under the name Boy George.

Culture Club was one of the most successful new wave bands of the 1980s.

The Police had a variety of musical influences and fall under the new wave umbrella as well.  They, like Culture Club, experienced global popularity.  I had the Police album Synchronicity which went to number one and contained the hit single "Every Breath You Take".  I think my older sister gave it to me as a gift.

Something else happened in 1979 in addition to "My Sharona" hitting number one.

Gary Numan released the song "Cars" which made heavy use of synthesizers. 

A synthesizer is an electronic instrument, typically operated by a keyboard, producing a wide variety of sounds by generating and combining signals of different frequencies.

I think it may be Mrs. Drewes, my elementary school music teacher, who first introduced me to synthesizers.  I think she was playing a record and pointed out the sound we were hearing was called a synthesizer.

Synth-pop (synthesizer pop) is a subgenre of new wave music and features the synthesizer as the dominant musical instrument.  While the guitar was still in use, the instrument used by these new acts was the synthesizer, which was portable and gave the music a more modern sounding feel.

Gary Numan and a few others paved the way for synth-pop.  Thanks in part to MTV, synth-pop soon became very popular.  The Human League's "Don't You Want Me" hit number one in 1982.  "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell and "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls were also popular.

"She Blinded Me With Science" by Thomas Dolby and "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo both reached number 5 in 1983.  Both songs were amazing one hit wonders.

Eurythmics were a British music duo who embraced synthesizers after first being involved in punk rock.  The duo brought a soul music twist to the electronic sound of synth-pop.

Eurythmic's "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" holds a special place in my heart.  I remember watching the song's video on Friday Night Videos with my redheaded girlfriend in her basement.  Friday Night Videos was NBC's attempt to capitalize on the emerging popularity of music videos as seen on MTV. 

My girlfriend essentially had reign over the basement of her home.  I don't recall ever seeing her parents down there even though I think it held the only television set.  The basement was her sanctuary and we spent a lot of time down there.  Did we ever "mess around" down there?  How dare you suggest such a thing.

I can see it now.  Annie Lennox of Eurythmics is walking around in a man's suit with her fiery orange buzzcut hair.  I wasn't even familiar with the term androgyny back then but I wasn't sure if I really liked her gender bending look.  She was attractive though and could certainly sing.  It was odd seeing Annie with that hair just a tad brighter than the redhead on the couch next to me.

To this day I still associate "Sweet Dreams" and "Here Comes the Rain Again" with my redheaded girlfriend. 

I recall one occasion when my girlfriend tried to use a synth-pop song entitled "People Are People" by Depeche Mode to convey her view that we needed to communicate better.

People are people so why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully

On another occasion she said I was a "hard habit to break" like in the Chicago song of the same name.

She also said she wished there was a drug that made her feel like she did when she was with me when we were listening to "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis and the News.

She thought it was fun to introduce me to the sexy/racy song "Darling Nikki" by Prince.  I'm not sure what that was all about.  I guess she wanted to shock me.

My college girlfriend liked to sing the Poison song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" to me implying I was a thorn and she was a rose I guess.  Ha ha.  Very funny.

But, she did say we had "a groovy kind of love" like in the Phil Collins song of the same name.

What is it with girls and music anyway?

Anyway, back to the synth.

"True" by Spandau Ballet and "Hold Me Now" by the Thompsons Twins are also great songs and probably remind me of my redheaded girlfriend too at times.

Howard Jones had some wonderful songs as well.  He made synth-pop seem warm and optimistic as opposed to synth-pop's earlier eerie and sterile reputation.

And do you feel scared, I do
But I won't stop and falter
And if we threw it all away
Things can only get better

Another very successful British band was Duran Duran.  Duran Duran have been credited with incorporating dance beats into synth-pop to produce a catchier and warmer sound, which provided them with a series of hit singles.  Young women and men thought these guys (the Fab Five) were beautiful.  Is there a band that is more synonymous with the golden age of MTV?

Pet Shop Boys also developed a sound that moved closer to dance music.  Many of us enjoyed their hit song "West End Girls".

Culture Club, Spandau Ballet, and Duran Duran were all associated with a British pop culture movement dubbed the New Romantic movement.  These New Romantics were known for their flamboyant fashion.  Many of the bands associated with the movement adopted synthesizers and helped to develop synth-pop in the early 1980s.

Synthesizers were also used by artists one may not have expected.  Foreigner, ZZ Top, and Bruce Springsteen all used synthesizers in certain songs.  And, even the guitar-heavy rock group Van Halen had a massive hit with "Jump" with its catchy synth line. 

You may still claim you hated new wave and synth-pop and never listened to it.

You were busy listening to Sheena Easton, Joan Jett, Pat Benatar, and Cyndi Lauper. 

Fine.

Or, perhaps you only listened to John Cougar Mellencamp, Bruce Springsteen, Bryan Adams, and Huey Lewis and the News. 

Great.

Maybe you enjoyed Rick Springfield, Tom Petty, .38 Special, and the Stray Cats.

Wonderful.  

Of course, I already mentioned that even the Boss (Bruce Springsteen) used some synthesizers.  Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were no strangers to synthesizers either.  And, even though one might argue that Lauper wasn't truly a new wave artist, she certainly was eclectic and embraced different styles of music. 

By the way, Lauper's "Time After Time" is another song that brings back memories of my redheaded girlfriend as we saw that video on Friday Night Videos as well.  I think in that video Lauper has orange-red hair with a tic-tac-toe pattern shaved into one side.

So, Annie Lennox and Cyndi Lauper both had orange-red hair like my girlfriend at the time.  Hmm.  Was this some kind of message or just a coincidence?

My buddy Chris only owned one cassette - Falco 3 by Austrian singer Falco containing the hit "Rock Me Amadeus".  I'm just kidding.  I'm sure he owned other cassettes and I'm not really sure he even owned that one.  I'm fairly certain he had one of Falco's cassettes though.

My buddy Brad would only listen to Kiss, Van Halen, Def Leppard, and Ratt.  Just kidding again.  We listened to other music like AC/DC and George Thorogood.  I don't want to speak for Brad, but I'm guessing he never owned a Duran Duran cassette. 

Brad had a cassette deck in his car which was nice.  But, he was always fiddling with his stereo equalizer so every song would sound just right.  Adjusting treble and bass wasn't good enough for him.  Just kidding.  I think he did have something called an audio equalizer though.  I think he did mention once that some guys did, in fact, adjust their equalizer for every song.

So, there was a lot of different music going on in the 1980s besides new wave.  I haven't even mentioned Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Prince.  They were all huge artists and dominated the charts.  Some would argue these artists alone overshadowed new wave and synth-pop.

Nonetheless, synth-pop especially by British groups was huge as was new wave as a whole.  There were so many British acts scoring hits in America in the 1980s that some referred to it as the Second British Invasion.  The original British Invasion occurred in the 1960s involving The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, and others.  Interestingly Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, and The Kinks still had a presence in the 1980s as well.

"Take On Me" by Norwegian synth-pop band A-ha became a huge hit during the fall of my senior year.

Though the synth-pop trend was essentially over when I went off to college, I still had more to learn.  My classmate and buddy Mark, a part-time DJ, introduced me to New Order and Yaz. 

Mark had a penchant for playing New Order's "Bizarre Love Triangle" which was fine because I really liked it.

Yaz were an English synth-pop duo consisting of former Depeche Mode member Vince Clarke (keyboards) and Alison Moyet (vocals).  I really enjoyed their song "Situation" that Mark liked to play sometimes.  Vince Clarke would later form another synth-pop duo called Erasure with singer Andy Bell.

Mark also introduced me to a kind of electronic dance music called house music, a genre that had its beginnings in his hometown of Chicago.  Some would consider house to be a derivative form of synth-pop.

During one school year, Mark and his buddy Curtis from Chicago shared an apartment.  Curtis was really into house music as well.  One day Curtis and I were listening to a house music song and he asked me if I knew what instrument was making a particular sound in the song.

"A synthesizer?" I ventured.

He just smiled and nodded his head.  Thanks Mrs. Drewes.

Eventually new wave and synth-pop gave way to dance-pop, hip-hop, and hair metal.  In the early 90s grunge became popular.  Grunge was kind of a hybrid of heavy metal and punk rock.  So, when grunge became popular it was kind of like punk rock got its revenge.

I never liked grunge.  I still liked new wave and synth-pop and the dance-pop of the 80s.  But, the music I'd enjoyed was gone.

I recall enjoying the film The Wedding Singer which was released in 1998 but had a story set in 1985.

The Wedding Singer and The Wedding Singer Volume 2 contain some great post-punk, new wave songs including some synth-pop songs.  The albums feature songs by Culture Club, The Police, the Cars, the Thompson Twins, Billy Idol, New Order, and more.

One of the reasons I bought The Wedding Singer is because it contained the New Order track "Blue Monday".  Even though Mark had introduced me to New Order back in college, I don't recall him ever playing "Blue Monday".  So, when I noticed The Wedding Singer contained that song I had to buy it.

"Blue Monday" is kind of a special song.  On March 7, 1983 New Order pioneered dance music with the release of the best selling 12-inch single of all time - "Blue Monday".  It continues to stand as the best-selling 12" single of all time.  In addition to being labeled a synth-pop classic, it has been described as a crucial link between seventies disco and the dance/house boom that took off at the end of the eighties.

I have a confession that I waited until now to make.  I don't remember hearing the terms new wave or synth-pop or New Romantic when I was in high school or college.  I didn't read music magazines like Rolling Stone or Billboard.  I listened to the radio and watched music videos but I don't recall ever hearing those terms.  My musical world was still divided simply into rock and country.  And, rock was divided into soft and hard rock.  That's about as complicated as it got.  Yes, I'd heard of disco and soul and blue grass and when I was heading off to college there was this new thing called rap.  Nonetheless, I didn't have knowledge of a myriad of genres and terms that the music industry used.

I didn't even necessarily notice the use of synthesizers in some of those synth-pop songs I enjoyed.  I feel kind of stupid even mentioning that.  But, there was a time I mainly just listened to the lyrics and the melody and some songs hooked me and I liked them and some didn't.

With the advent of the internet I was able to research genres like house music which led me to synth-pop and its origins with German bands like Kraftwerk and the disco songs of producer Giorgio Moroder.

Now, when I listen to songs carefully I hear all kinds of things going on.  Wow!  Listen to that synth line!  Wow!  Listen to that drum track! 

But, basically I know whether I like a song or not regardless of the instrumentation.  I enjoy synth-pop but I enjoy old rock and roll as well.  I enjoy hard rock and soft rock.  I enjoy country music.  If I like a song I don't really care if there's a real drummer playing drums or a drum machine is being used.  I can enjoy both. 

Generally, I was a typical teenager of the 80s.  Yes, I was one of those teenagers listening to new wave music including synth-pop, watching music videos, and watching John Hughes movies like Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Weird Science and loving every minute of it. 

My younger sister especially enjoyed Hughes's Pretty in Pink which prominently features the song "If You Leave" by English electronic band Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark (OMD). 

Sure, it's a cliché to say that new wave music was the "soundtrack" of my teen years.  Nonetheless, that music certainly was a big presence in my coming-of-age process. 

Have you ever wondered why we have so many vivid memories of our teenage years?  Our ability to recall so many of our adolescent experiences with such striking clarity is called the "reminiscence bump" by scientists.

As we all know, being a teenager is intense, and is often filled with soaring highs and abysmal lows.  It is also a time of life when a lot of people navigate new milestones and situations for the first time.  As a result, teenagers have a lot of powerful emotional experiences - be they happy, sad, scary, thrilling, or something else entirely - that imprint themselves heavily upon us.  In other words, our brain does a good job of filing these vivid memories away on a more permanent level because they are highly significant at the time.

Music is often a key component of many of those memories.

I feel fortunate to have been a teen during such an interesting time in the evolution of popular music.  I'm glad I had all of that music to excite me, inspire me, comfort me, and console me.  And, I got to share it with family, friends, and girlfriends.  I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

By the way, Frankie says relax and Tommy Tutone is still trying to call Jenny at that same number.  You know the one.

My Two Proms

I saw my older sister escorted to four proms before I got to attend my first prom.  I eagerly awaited being old enough to go to prom.  I longed to wear a tuxedo and attend this special event, hopefully with a stunning beauty on my arm.

The prom has become an American teenage institution.  Tickets are purchased and the RSVP process is completed.  Dresses are bought.  Appointments are made at hair and nail salons.  Tanning sessions are booked.  Corsages and boutonnieres are purchased.  Tuxedos are rented.  Limos are rented.  Restaurant reservations are made.  Hotel and motel accommodations are booked.  Cell phones and cameras are charged and ready for use.  Care is taken to coordinate the aforementioned dresses, tuxedos, and flowers.  A pumice stone and quality razor may be employed on the sacred day as well.

Why does this high school ritual so thoroughly captivate our culture?  Why is planning and achieving the perfect prom experience seen by many teenagers as the capstone of their high school experience? 

I'll be damned if I know.  And yet, I was no different than them at that age.  I too dreamed of having the perfect prom.  Although just what the hell the perfect prom entails I haven't a clue.  My junior and senior proms were each disappointing and anticlimactic in their own way.

* * * *

The theme for the Postville High School Prom of 1985 was "I Can't Fight This Feeling."  Thank you REO Speedwagon.  A banquet was held at St. Paul's Lutheran Church followed by a dance at Dreamland Ballroom.  The night was reasonably enjoyable except for one minor detail.  The love of my life came to the prom with someone else.

Anne (not her real name) and I had gone out on and off for a little over a year.  She was from a different high school.  I'd met her at a church retreat.  Then she dumped me in January of '85.  Her dumping me might have had something to do with the fact that I ignored her all day at one of my wrestling tournaments.  "Hey, I'm here to win a wrestling title not talk to you woman!"

Soon she was dating one of my classmates.  What the hell?

After wrestling season had ended, I started dating someone else as well.  But, I was still in love with Anne.

When prom was nearing I talked to Anne one evening in person. 

"Did he ask you to prom?"  I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"Did you say yes?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied quietly.

Something was amiss in the universe.  My world was turned upside down.  The love of my life was going to my junior prom with another guy.  She didn't even attend the same high school and she'd only been dating him a few months.  And yet, she was going to prom with him.  My prom.

Never fear.  I still went to prom.  I'd been looking forward to it for years.  I wasn't going to give up now.

So, I asked Dianne to prom.  I'll call her Dianne because she reminded me of Dianne Chambers from Cheers sometimes.  She was a cute, intelligent blond.  I kind of wondered what this freshman girl saw in some brute like me.  I'm surprised she didn't find me amazingly boring.  I guess my quiet nature was a challenge for her.  She claimed she was a good detective and was going to figure me out.  

I'd always imagined I'd wear a tailcoat (tails) because I thought it looked cool and I think I'd seen some upperclassmen wear them.  But, I browsed through the formal wear selections in a catalogue at Don's Jewelry and Men's Wear and picked out a basic tuxedo with a white jacket, black trousers, black vest, and black bow tie. 

I didn't look as good as James Bond or Humphrey Bogart.  Technically I shouldn't have worn a white jacket seeing as I wasn't in the tropics or at a summer country club party.  But, I suppose a high school prom isn't a strict black-tie event anyway.  At least I wasn't wearing a powder blue tux and a ruffled shirt.  I'm glad I skipped the tailcoat too.  I wasn't attending a state dinner after all. 

I drove to Dianne's house on that sacred Saturday in April.  We took some pictures and then drove back to my house and took some more pictures. 

A banquet was held before the dance.  It was fun to see everyone dressed up in their finery.  It was hard to see Anne walking in with my classmate.  I was wishing she was my date.  I admit I wasn't the best date that night. 

Nonetheless, we had a nice meal.  I believe there was a slide show with candid pictures of students.  I believe there was some entertainment.  I seem to recall Greg and Joni singing "Almost Paradise."  Maybe it was two other people or maybe nobody sang.  But, that's how I remember it. 

We drove to Dreamland after the banquet for the dance.  Dianne and I took part in the grand march.  It was uncomfortable seeing Anne during the grand march.
She approached me at some point early in the dance. 

She said my mom wanted to take a picture of us.  I told her I would oblige them a little later.  I was thinking Why the hell would I get my picture taken with this girl who dumped me and is here with another guy?

I know my mom meant well and it made sense I suppose.  But, I never had a picture of Anne and I taken together and I guess my mom got tired of waiting and left.  Of course years later I now wish I'd had the picture taken.  But, at the time I couldn't be the selfless, considerate person and pose for a picture.  Maybe I thought I was being considerate to my date as well at the time.

Anne and I stepped outside later in the evening at her request to talk.  She told me she'd actually tried to back out of her prom date but one of my classmate's mothers had gotten wind of it and told Anne she was a terrible person for breaking a prom date.  So, Anne acquiesced and kept the date but wasn't planning on seeing him after that night.  We talked for quite a while.  I guess our dates got concerned or annoyed because they came to retrieve us at some point. 

Dianne and I went to the post-prom activities like raffle drawings for door prizes and a post-prom breakfast.  Then I drove her home and that was the end of my first prom. 

Anne and I got back together shortly after prom.  I believe at some point she even said that she would never break up with me again.  We'd be together forever.  So, of course, she dumped me a couple weeks later.  I guess forever means two weeks in teen speak.  Oh, well.  I guess that sort of thing is par for the course when you're a teenager. 

Dianne never held a grudge about my failing to be a good prom date.  I guess she knew I still loved Anne and she couldn't change that.  Dianne was a compassionate, big-hearted person. 

* * * *

In 1986 formal wear giant After Six capitalized on the hit TV show Miami Vice by introducing the Miami Vice line.  The tuxedo jackets featured colors like Fiesta Blue, Flamingo, and Purple Haze.  The jackets were paired with white trousers which made sense considering the show's subtropical locale.  I remember being with my buddy Brad when he ordered his Miami Vice tux from The Corner Clothier. 

I was familiar with the show but not an avid fan so I didn't particularly want a Miami Vice tuxedo.  I happened to walk into B&B Clothing in Waukon one day and saw a tuxedo on display that called to me.  It was a black tuxedo with a red bow tie and cummerbund.  AND, it also featured a red scarf!  So, it was my school colors (black and red) and it had that cool scarf.  I, of course, ordered it immediately.

Hey, don't judge me.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I'm not sure if it's called an evening scarf or an opera scarf but I'd never seen anything like it before and I thought it looked mighty swanky.

I had a tuxedo.  Now I just needed a date. 

I thought about asking Rachel, a girl from Decorah I'd met the summer before my sophomore year of high school.  We'd kind of lost touch but had recently seen each other again at a teen dance.  I'd visited her a couple times since then.  But, I had some reservations about asking her.  What is she said "yes" but in turn asked me to attend her prom?

I'd met Lynn on a junior high 4-H trip to Des Moines to visit the Iowa State Capitol.  I'd sat by her on the bus ride at times.  When we returned home, she said perhaps we would meet on a 4-H trip to Washington D.C. one day.  Well, that never happened but we did see each other at the county fair occasionally during our high school years.  So, when I called her about prom it wasn't totally out of the blue.  It's not like she'd forgotten who I was.  She didn't exactly turn me down.  She just said she wasn't sure her boyfriend would be okay with her attending prom with me even if only as a friend.

I wanted to ask Michelle but I knew she was bringing a guy from Iowa City.

What about Dianne again?  No, I already hurt her once.  She'd probably laugh in my face or cuss me out for daring to ask her to prom again.

Asking Anne was out of the question.  I'm not saying I never saw her again after we broke up.  I did see and talk to her occasionally.  We even kissed a few times after breaking up.  I think we may have even went through a period of "going out" where the idea was that we could see each other and see others as well.  That never works out.  People just end up jealous and hurt.  I knew we were never going to actually be a couple again.

During the fall of my senior year I returned a picture that belonged to her.  I returned it safe and sound.  But, since I simply mailed her the picture without any accompanying letter or note I guess she took it as a slight and was not too pleased with me.  That didn't stop her from showing up at my house around Christmas time with her boyfriend in tow.  The nerve of that girl.

She did actually call me sometime before prom that year partly to explain why her boyfriend had been with her when she stopped by during the holiday season.  She let me know that she was happy going out with this boy from her own high school but that she would always cherish the time we'd spent together. 

Her sweet words touched me and made me feel special.  But, that didn't change my current situation.

So, I eventually ran out of options.  After all these machinations, the upshot was that I still had no date for prom. 

My buddy Chris came to the rescue.  I think he'd been following my situation and sympathizing.  At some point we decided to go "stag." 

Stag is defined as "a person who attends a social gathering unaccompanied by a partner."

Going stag sounded nice.  It had a nice ring to it.  It suggested that going to prom alone was a choice.

I think Chris could have taken a girl he'd been spending some time with that year.  But, for some reason he decided that he and I and a couple of other guys would attend prom as a group.  I guess I'll never know if he did this as a favor to me, an old friend, or if he had other reasons. 

I seem to recall one of my classmates breaking up with his girlfriend shortly before prom and then asking a sophomore to go with him.  I think she found out about his breakup and let him know she didn't want to be his rebound date and that she didn't want to be used to get over his ex.  Well, he must have convinced her of his sincerity because they did end up attending prom together.

Another senior classmate asked a freshman girl to be his date although I think he was a bit concerned he might get teased about it. 

I didn't care much for how I looked on the day of prom.  I'd made the lamentable decision to have my hair permed a few weeks before.  In my defense, I wasn't the only senior boy to try changing his look by adding some curl to his hair.  The year before I'd gotten a rattail haircut after wrestling season.  I assume I must have cut the rat tail off before my junior prom.  But, there wasn't much I could do about my frizzy permed hair. 

I also wasn't too happy with my red opera scarf.  It didn't seem to lie comfortably on my tuxedo so my mom pinned it down.  It didn't look cool like it had on the mannequin.  I'm not sure why I didn't just leave it at home.  I guess the point of getting that particular tuxedo had been the cool scarf so I wasn't going to back out on wearing it now.  We snapped of few pictures of me anyway and then I was off.

 

After driving to Postville and meeting up with the other guys, our motley crew decided to drive to Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. It wasn't uncommon for people in the Postville area to cross over the Mississippi into Wisconsin as a pleasant diversion.

As I recall we stopped at McDonald's for a snack and later at Dairy Queen for another snack. I think we may have walked around a big discount store. We may have even looked at a display of prophylactics. I'm not sure if that actually happened but I can imagine four male teenagers scrutinizing the condom selection even if the chance of anyone having sex that night was highly unlikely.

 

We drove back and waited to get into the banquet. I think Kathryn said she liked my scarf which made me feel a little better. I wasn't very hungry for the meal after all of that snacking.

 

Everyone was announced upon entering the banquet. Some of my classmates tried to be funny.

 

One couple was introduced as Master Jeffrey D. (blank) and Ms. (blank). Andy O. simply had himself introduced as James Bond as I recall. I guess I could have had myself introduced as lord, earl, or duke but I wasn't that clever.

 

 

At the dance, the traditional grand march was performed. Everyone found a partner to promenade around the ballroom with except me. I swear to God there wasn't one girl left unattached. Some people had their dates of course but even those without dates coupled up. While everyone was taking part in this opening ceremony, I was standing there alone feeling totally humiliated. I was mortified. Everyone must think I'm a huge loser. I suppose they didn't necessarily notice me since they were all promenading around showing off their finery. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to disappear. Pick the expression you like. I'm still kind of embarrassed now all these years later. 

 

I did have a bit of good fortune at the dance though. Before long I noticed Dianne at the dance. I think perhaps she had performed at the banquet as part of a group and was therefore allowed to attend the dance. I was happy to see her. She was kind and we danced and talked. 

 

Prom may not have lived up to my fantasy. It wasn't the transcendent, sublime experience I was hoping for. But, I got to take part in this great American teenage ritual and I wouldn't trade it for the world.