Sometimes an eating disorder begins innocently. Perhaps a teenage girl wants to lose a few pounds and goes on a diet. Or, maybe she's participating in a sport where weight loss plays an integral part. Maybe a young man feels lonely and depressed. The painful feelings drive him to binge on large quantities of food for comfort. But, then he feels ashamed and panicked and wants to get rid of it.
Sometimes the trigger for an eating disorder is more sinister. Perhaps a young woman is sexually abused. Maybe parents tell another girl she is worthless. Maybe a young man's parents get divorced. Or, a parent dies. So, to cope with the trauma the individual decides to control their food intake. Something needs to be controlled in this cruel and frightening world.
Whatever the trigger may be, it can open a Pandora's box. A young person can find their tranquil world suddenly filled with pain and torment. Life becomes filled with hatred, misery, suffering and sickness. Sometimes the suffering ends only with death.
Pandora is part of Greek mythology. Greek mythology has several goddesses. During my stays in the hospital on an eating disorders unit, I've met many young woman as beautiful as Aphrodite and as wise as Athena. I've met several beautiful, intelligent, strong, brave, kind, and nurturing women. They simply met some unexpected and unwanted challenges on their journeys through life.
Someone must have been watching out for her because she was found before dying. When the paramedics found her she was alive but unconscious and unresponsive.
She was in a coma for awhile. Thankfully, she came out of her coma at some point. But, her journey to recovery was just beginning. She had to address her eating disorder if she wanted to go on living. So, she traveled to Iowa to enter a renowned eating disorder treatment program. She wasn't ready to leave this world yet.
When I showed up on the eating disorders unit, Bianca had already been there for a month. I'm not really sure what triggered her eating disorder in the first place. Maybe she didn't like how her body looked. Maybe she was a perfectionist. Perhaps she was tired of living with diabetes and didn't like the prospect of what health complications might arise for her later in life.
In group therapy one day, she did mention using a bunch of diuretics before a big event in college one time. I don't recall if it was a dance or a party. But, she was determined to be the best looking female that evening. What actually happened was that she became incredibly sick from the diuretics.
An endocrine specialist would check in with her on the unit occasionally to see how she was doing. The same doctor examined and spoke to me one day concerning my testosterone levels.
I remember Bianca checking her blood sugar before each meal. Then she would step into another room where she could inject her insulin in private.
I felt bad for Bianca at snack time. While the rest of us were eating things like cookies and bananas, she was usually stuck eating a turkey sandwich.
I got to know her little bit. She was cheerful and full of energy. She knew I liked to read so she recommended some Shel Silverstein books.
Soon she transferred to the day treatment program. But, before long she returned to inpatient. It had been hard outside the unit and she'd lost weight. She looked at it as learning experience and tried not to be discouraged. In time we both moved to the day treatment program.
In the program Bianca learned that she didn't have to always be cheerful. She was cheerful by nature but sometimes put on a happy mask even when she wasn't feeling that way. She realized she didn't have to do that now.
We were talking and joking around one day when she mentioned marriage. I told her I was available if she wanted a husband. She said that was fine but she wanted to see my bank statement and a list of my assets first. Funny girl.
When she reached her target weight she felt fine. She thought it would be worse. I said one last goodbye to her and never saw her again. I'm sure she's doing well.
Charlene came from a family of overweight individuals. So, she decided to change her body by going on a diet. But, she couldn't stop herself when she reached a slimmer, healthier weight. She went way beyond even the harshest societal standards of beauty. She was a victim of the unrealistic body standards imposed on today's society.
When I met first met her she was still quite emaciated with her cheekbones sticking out prominently. Perhaps I especially noticed her cheekbones, because her sunken cheeks and protruding cheekbones looked much like my own.
I heard that in Charlene's first few weeks on the psychiatric unit she always wore a baseball cap pulled low over her forehead. She didn't want to be there and didn't have much to say to anyone else. She did play Scrabble sometimes with some of the other girls but her thinking was so slowed that it took her forever to form words.
When I met her she no longer wore the baseball cap. She was a friendly person and contributed in group therapy. She kept her blond hair pulled back in a ponytail but when she wore her hair down you realized it was naturally curly. At some point she dyed it blue. She liked to smoke cigarettes and did so in the separate room on the unit provided for smoking.
She dropped a note on the table in front of me one day. It simply read How are you doing?
We talked in the day room occasionally. She told me that her heart rate had been only 20 beats per minute when she came to treatment. She told me about passing out occasionally from her lack of nutrition. She told me about some of her past treatments. She showed me a tattoo on her thigh one evening by pulling down her athletic pants just a bit.
Charlene was originally from somewhere in the Deep South I believe. But, her family had recently moved to the Washing D.C. area and that's where she'd be joining them when left treatment.
In group therapy one day, the therapist seemed exasperated with Charlene. She was trying to get to the root of Charlene's eating disorder.
"I just don't want to ever be fat again!" exclaimed Charlene in tears. "Isn't that enough? Why can't it be that simple?"
The therapist backed off a bit and asked, "What weight do you think you'd be comfortable with?"
"I don't know," said Charlene, "maybe 130."
Charlene had trouble when she was moved to the Partial Hospital Program. She couldn't maintain her weight let alone restore any more. So, they moved her back to inpatient and brought her up to target weight there.
I'm not sure if Charlene stayed healthy after leaving Iowa. I guess I should have asked for an address or number to reach her at. I hope she finally found a way to be comfortable at a healthy weight so she could live a long, healthy, and happy life.
Elsa was a gymnast, tumbler, and dancer. She had a long history with eating disorders, mental illness, and treatment centers.
She was beautiful, blond, and strong like Brunhild from Norse tradition. In some stories, Brunhild angers Odin and falls into a deep sleep until she is awoken by Sigurd who knows no fear.
In some Germanic sources, Brunhild is Queen of Iceland. Seemingly no man is her equal.
There was a queen who resided over the sea
Whose like no one knew of anywhere
She was exceedingly beautiful and great in physical strength
She shot the shaft with bold knights - love was the prize.
Elsa had a lean body with muscular arms. She didn't like her hands because she thought they looked too masculine. "I have big man hands," she remarked.
We became close on the psychiatric unit. She said I should come with her when we were discharged. I fell in love with her. I gave her a silver bracelet for her birthday. But, I wasn't able to go with her. I did call her a few times and we managed to stay in contact. She has struggled with illness a long time but her fierce spirit has never let her give up.
Emma was from an area of Idaho with a high Mormon population. She herself was not part of the Latter-day Saint (LDS) community. As I recall the high LDS population presented a somewhat discouraging situation. I think she found it particularly challenging and disheartening in the area of dating. One evening a young man of the Mormon faith picked her up for a date. Evidently he was under the impression she was also part of the LDS Church. Somehow the subject wasn't broached until that moment in the car. When he found out she was non-Mormon he immediately turned his car around and took her home.
Emma had her own dog grooming business and had a great love for dogs and other animals. She also enjoyed gardening and camping.
Emma was a bit like Artemis the Greek goddess of the hunt, wilderness, and wild animals. Artemis had a pack of hunting dogs and felt comfortable roaming the wilderness by moonlight. Emma, of course, loved her dogs. And Emma, like Artemis, was strong and independent not needing the aid of a man.
Emma could be competitive like Artemis. But, Emma was a perfectionist and too hard on herself. She felt the need to always be active. She liked to engage in running when she wasn't working. If she was relaxing and saw someone mowing their lawn then she felt she was being lazy and needed to find something to do. She found it challenging to just let herself relax.
The goddess Artemis was also the patron and protector of young girls. Emma was angry with a male family member who had betrayed her trust and abused her as a girl. Unfortunately no one, not even Artemis, had been there to rescue Emma from that situation.
When Emma and I were in treatment together, there were also a couple of young ladies on the child psychiatric unit dealing with eating disorders. These two girls would join us for breakfast in the occupational therapy kitchen once a week. Emma loved these two young ladies.
"Normally I would be comparing myself to other females and getting jealous of their slim figures. But, I love these girls so much that I don't have those thoughts around them. All that type of thinking just goes away when I'm with them," explained Emma.
Unfortunately Emma is no longer with us. She passed away a few years ago. I don't know for sure but I'm guessing her death was related to her eating disorder. I like to think that Emma is watching over young girls now. Perhaps animals don't have immortal souls and don't go to heaven. But, I like to imagine Emma in an afterlife where she takes long walks with her dogs. I like to imagine that Emma is no longer plagued by thoughts telling her she is fat or lazy. I like to imagine that she is at peace.
Rachel's parents were both doctors. I don't think Rachel felt like she measured up to her parents or siblings. Rachel was intelligent and used words like nebulous and specious. She excelled at figure skating and playing the violin. But, she'd had mental health issues from a young age.
The treatment team convinced her father to make Rachel move out and get her own apartment. It was a difficult adjustment for her. She and I spent some time together. We went to some movies and had dinner a couple of times. We lost track of each other for a long time until years later we met in treatment once again.
It's sad to see someone who could be a doctor, lawyer, or professor have to settle for less because of the demons that plague her. She has wisdom and intelligence like Athena but has faced a lot of challenges in her life.
She told me once that she didn't love humans. She could feel love for animals like her dogs. But, she never felt that sort of love for another person.
Hopefully a day will come when she finds a happy life free from the darkness of depression.
Rebecca was a bit of an enigma. She was stuck on an eating disorder unit with the rest of us and yet she seemed cheerful and anxious to eat. She couldn't seem to get enough food which was odd since she was there seeking treatment for an eating disorder. Perhaps she felt safe on the unit and her appetite had returned. One morning at breakfast, she ate Rachel's bacon which was against the rules. But, they weren't caught. On another occasion, Rebecca ate a neglected donut left on a mood disorder patient's tray. That time she got caught.
Rebecca was attending a prestigious university. She had an impressive singing voice and was using her talent at the university. Perhaps that caused some problems. She felt the need to be perfect. Perhaps being on the psychiatric unit was a relief, a break from the pressures of school.
In some sources, Echo is portrayed as a beautiful nymph with a good and loving heart and a beautiful voice. That sounds like Rebecca. She was attractive and her singing voice must have been beautiful. We had a karaoke session one day for activities therapy in the gymnasium. I thought I might get to hear her beautiful voice. But, she was very modest and refused to sing a solo although she did join some other females in singing a song as a group.
One evening I went on an outing with Rachel and Rebecca. We went to a place called Old Chicago for dinner. Afterward we saw Memoirs of a Geisha at the movie theater. She gave me a ride back to my motel that night. She asked me if I had a crush on Rachel. I told her I did have a crush on Rachel and her as well. It seems I often had a crush on some female patient.
As far as I know Rebecca is doing fine. I'm sure she continues to be a cheerful person with a beautiful voice.
Jane was beautiful like the goddess Aphrodite. She was never happy with how she looked though. Her daily routine involved scrutinizing and chastising herself each morning in front of a mirror.
She'd been sexually assaulted more than once and had post traumatic stress disorder as a result. She was fatigued and depressed most days. She restricted her food intake and abused laxatives. She would sometimes take a large amount of laxatives. This made her incredibly ill. The sickness induced by the laxatives made her feel less guilty about just staying home all day doing nothing. She couldn't allow herself to simply relax for a day without the excuse of being too sick to do anything. That's why she ingested huge amounts of laxatives at times.
We met and formed a bond right away. We spent time together. I guess I was one of the few men she could trust and one of the few people she felt could understand her situation.
I fell in love with her and after several months she fell in love with me too. We spoke of marriage. But, that was a scary prospect. How could we ever be married and stay healthy?
Eventually we parted and she has lived in various places. She chose not to communicate with me any longer. I don't where she is or how she's doing. But, like a goddess, I know she's a survivor and is probably still seeking to find health and peace at last.
* * * *
Some people have found the Greek myth of Persephone to be metaphorically related to eating disorders. The myth of Persephone begins with her abduction. Hades, god of the dead and king of the underworld, kidnaps Persephone and takes her to the underworld to be his queen. Once Persephone arrives in the underworld, she is raped by Hades, they are married, and she is crowned queen of the underworld. Persephone becomes depressed over her situation and refuses to eat or drink.
Persephone's mother Demeter, the goddess of the harvest, is distraught over her daughter's disappearance. She refuses to feed the Earth by growing grain. The land becomes barren as crops wither and die which is a concern for Zeus. Finally, Zeus allows Persephone to return to the Earth but for only part of the year. Spring returns to the Earth every year with crops growing and plants blooming when Persephone is reunited with her mother. When Persephone returns to the underworld for part of the year, the Earth experiences winter.
Just before Persephone's abduction, she had been picking flowers. Her mother was present as were Aphrodite, Athena, and Artemis. Suddenly, Persephone was gone.
Family and friends of a person who develops an eating disorder may have a similar experience. Suddenly, the person they knew seems to have disappeared. What happened to my friend? What happened to my sister? What happened to my brother? What happened to my child? They feel distraught like Demeter did. They want their healthy and happy friend and family member back and not lost in the darkness of an eating disorder.
Some see the myth of Persephone as a story of rebirth and healing. For some, Persephone's journey to hell and back provides a beacon of hope. Perhaps we too can escape the darkness of our eating disorder. We may journey back into the darkness of our eating disorder at times and yet not be lost in it. Like Persephone, we will come out from our darkness, reborn and healed.
I've met many females who have been to hell and back. I've met women who were physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. I've met women who have been held at gunpoint by an abusive boyfriend. Some women were exploited, betrayed, mistreated, and abused by their own family members.
Sometimes women simply need to separate themselves from the unsupportive people in their lives. They need to become their own person. In treatment an individual may gain the understanding and skills necessary for nourishing themselves and for navigating more confidently and safely through life.
Some women may find that their story of innocence lost and wisdom gained is not unlike that of a goddess.
* * * *
So, where I do I fit into this metaphor? Who am I? I hope I'm not like Sisyphus who was condemned to an eternity of the same meaningless task of rolling a boulder up a hill each day only to see it roll back down again. Living with an eating disorder does seem to be a fruitless, endless task. In the end it gets you nowhere. You're just rolling the same boulder up the hill each day, over and over.
I'd rather be like Thor from Norse mythology. I am Scandinavian after all. I'd like to be powerful like Thor, the god of thunder and lightening. His courage is unshakeable and his physical strength is virtually unmatched. Thor brings protection and comfort to mankind. He brings fruitfulness to the land and prosperity to the people.
But, I'm not strong and virile like Thor. I'm not courageous. To whom have I ever provided protection or comfort?
Perhaps I'm like Odysseus of Homer's Odyssey. I've been on some epic journey with many challenges and I still haven't made it home. At times it seems I've been asleep for years, forgetting about friends and family. The siren song of the eating disorder has almost devoured my body and soul. But, my shipmates have saved me and warned me not to listen to that voice that wants to lure me back into a dark place.
* * * *
The ancient Greeks believed that the souls of good people were allowed to go to Elysium, a comfortable place where the sun always shone. I like to imagine that the people who have died from eating disorder complications are living a blessed and happy life untouched by sorrow doing whatever brings them happiness in the afterlife. They are now in a realm without toil or tears.
After Pandora opened the box letting out all of the evils of the world she closed it as quickly as she could. But, then she heard a voice from within the box imploring her to open the box again. Pandora was afraid of making the same mistake twice but finally was persuaded to open the box again by the sweet little voice.
The moment Pandora opened the box, out of the box flew a sunny and smiling winged creature. She was bright and beautiful and hovered around the room throwing light wherever she went. She soothed Pandora and softly touched the place where the evils from the box had stung her. The winged fairy kissed Pandora on her forehead and fluttered around her with laughter, brightening up the whole atmosphere with her radiance.
The winged fairy that flew out of the box introduced herself as Hope. She had come out of the box to bring a change to the world which was filled only with troubles. The troubles would continue in the world, but to bring in happy times one needs to have hope. The fairy said she was that hope. Looking at this beautiful divine creature, Pandora felt it was worth all the troubles in the world.
Hope promised to never leave Pandora as long as she was living in this world.
"I promise never to desert you. There may come times and seasons, now and then, when you will think that I have utterly vanished. But again, and again, and again, when perhaps you least dream of it, you shall see the glimmer of my wings on the ceiling of your cottage. Yes, and I know something very good and beautiful that is to be given you hereafter."
What would we do without Hope and the possibility of an infinite bliss hereafter?
No comments:
Post a Comment