My Two Proms

I saw my older sister escorted to four proms before I got to attend my first prom.  I eagerly awaited being old enough to go to prom.  I longed to wear a tuxedo and attend this special event, hopefully with a stunning beauty on my arm.

The prom has become an American teenage institution.  Tickets are purchased and the RSVP process is completed.  Dresses are bought.  Appointments are made at hair and nail salons.  Tanning sessions are booked.  Corsages and boutonnieres are purchased.  Tuxedos are rented.  Limos are rented.  Restaurant reservations are made.  Hotel and motel accommodations are booked.  Cell phones and cameras are charged and ready for use.  Care is taken to coordinate the aforementioned dresses, tuxedos, and flowers.  A pumice stone and quality razor may be employed on the sacred day as well.

Why does this high school ritual so thoroughly captivate our culture?  Why is planning and achieving the perfect prom experience seen by many teenagers as the capstone of their high school experience? 

I'll be damned if I know.  And yet, I was no different than them at that age.  I too dreamed of having the perfect prom.  Although just what the hell the perfect prom entails I haven't a clue.  My junior and senior proms were each disappointing and anticlimactic in their own way.

* * * *

The theme for the Postville High School Prom of 1985 was "I Can't Fight This Feeling."  Thank you REO Speedwagon.  A banquet was held at St. Paul's Lutheran Church followed by a dance at Dreamland Ballroom.  The night was reasonably enjoyable except for one minor detail.  The love of my life came to the prom with someone else.

Anne (not her real name) and I had gone out on and off for a little over a year.  She was from a different high school.  I'd met her at a church retreat.  Then she dumped me in January of '85.  Her dumping me might have had something to do with the fact that I ignored her all day at one of my wrestling tournaments.  "Hey, I'm here to win a wrestling title not talk to you woman!"

Soon she was dating one of my classmates.  What the hell?

After wrestling season had ended, I started dating someone else as well.  But, I was still in love with Anne.

When prom was nearing I talked to Anne one evening in person. 

"Did he ask you to prom?"  I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"Did you say yes?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied quietly.

Something was amiss in the universe.  My world was turned upside down.  The love of my life was going to my junior prom with another guy.  She didn't even attend the same high school and she'd only been dating him a few months.  And yet, she was going to prom with him.  My prom.

Never fear.  I still went to prom.  I'd been looking forward to it for years.  I wasn't going to give up now.

So, I asked Dianne to prom.  I'll call her Dianne because she reminded me of Dianne Chambers from Cheers sometimes.  She was a cute, intelligent blond.  I kind of wondered what this freshman girl saw in some brute like me.  I'm surprised she didn't find me amazingly boring.  I guess my quiet nature was a challenge for her.  She claimed she was a good detective and was going to figure me out.  

I'd always imagined I'd wear a tailcoat (tails) because I thought it looked cool and I think I'd seen some upperclassmen wear them.  But, I browsed through the formal wear selections in a catalogue at Don's Jewelry and Men's Wear and picked out a basic tuxedo with a white jacket, black trousers, black vest, and black bow tie. 

I didn't look as good as James Bond or Humphrey Bogart.  Technically I shouldn't have worn a white jacket seeing as I wasn't in the tropics or at a summer country club party.  But, I suppose a high school prom isn't a strict black-tie event anyway.  At least I wasn't wearing a powder blue tux and a ruffled shirt.  I'm glad I skipped the tailcoat too.  I wasn't attending a state dinner after all. 

I drove to Dianne's house on that sacred Saturday in April.  We took some pictures and then drove back to my house and took some more pictures. 

A banquet was held before the dance.  It was fun to see everyone dressed up in their finery.  It was hard to see Anne walking in with my classmate.  I was wishing she was my date.  I admit I wasn't the best date that night. 

Nonetheless, we had a nice meal.  I believe there was a slide show with candid pictures of students.  I believe there was some entertainment.  I seem to recall Greg and Joni singing "Almost Paradise."  Maybe it was two other people or maybe nobody sang.  But, that's how I remember it. 

We drove to Dreamland after the banquet for the dance.  Dianne and I took part in the grand march.  It was uncomfortable seeing Anne during the grand march.
She approached me at some point early in the dance. 

She said my mom wanted to take a picture of us.  I told her I would oblige them a little later.  I was thinking Why the hell would I get my picture taken with this girl who dumped me and is here with another guy?

I know my mom meant well and it made sense I suppose.  But, I never had a picture of Anne and I taken together and I guess my mom got tired of waiting and left.  Of course years later I now wish I'd had the picture taken.  But, at the time I couldn't be the selfless, considerate person and pose for a picture.  Maybe I thought I was being considerate to my date as well at the time.

Anne and I stepped outside later in the evening at her request to talk.  She told me she'd actually tried to back out of her prom date but one of my classmate's mothers had gotten wind of it and told Anne she was a terrible person for breaking a prom date.  So, Anne acquiesced and kept the date but wasn't planning on seeing him after that night.  We talked for quite a while.  I guess our dates got concerned or annoyed because they came to retrieve us at some point. 

Dianne and I went to the post-prom activities like raffle drawings for door prizes and a post-prom breakfast.  Then I drove her home and that was the end of my first prom. 

Anne and I got back together shortly after prom.  I believe at some point she even said that she would never break up with me again.  We'd be together forever.  So, of course, she dumped me a couple weeks later.  I guess forever means two weeks in teen speak.  Oh, well.  I guess that sort of thing is par for the course when you're a teenager. 

Dianne never held a grudge about my failing to be a good prom date.  I guess she knew I still loved Anne and she couldn't change that.  Dianne was a compassionate, big-hearted person. 

* * * *

In 1986 formal wear giant After Six capitalized on the hit TV show Miami Vice by introducing the Miami Vice line.  The tuxedo jackets featured colors like Fiesta Blue, Flamingo, and Purple Haze.  The jackets were paired with white trousers which made sense considering the show's subtropical locale.  I remember being with my buddy Brad when he ordered his Miami Vice tux from The Corner Clothier. 

I was familiar with the show but not an avid fan so I didn't particularly want a Miami Vice tuxedo.  I happened to walk into B&B Clothing in Waukon one day and saw a tuxedo on display that called to me.  It was a black tuxedo with a red bow tie and cummerbund.  AND, it also featured a red scarf!  So, it was my school colors (black and red) and it had that cool scarf.  I, of course, ordered it immediately.

Hey, don't judge me.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  I'm not sure if it's called an evening scarf or an opera scarf but I'd never seen anything like it before and I thought it looked mighty swanky.

I had a tuxedo.  Now I just needed a date. 

I thought about asking Rachel, a girl from Decorah I'd met the summer before my sophomore year of high school.  We'd kind of lost touch but had recently seen each other again at a teen dance.  I'd visited her a couple times since then.  But, I had some reservations about asking her.  What is she said "yes" but in turn asked me to attend her prom?

I'd met Lynn on a junior high 4-H trip to Des Moines to visit the Iowa State Capitol.  I'd sat by her on the bus ride at times.  When we returned home, she said perhaps we would meet on a 4-H trip to Washington D.C. one day.  Well, that never happened but we did see each other at the county fair occasionally during our high school years.  So, when I called her about prom it wasn't totally out of the blue.  It's not like she'd forgotten who I was.  She didn't exactly turn me down.  She just said she wasn't sure her boyfriend would be okay with her attending prom with me even if only as a friend.

I wanted to ask Michelle but I knew she was bringing a guy from Iowa City.

What about Dianne again?  No, I already hurt her once.  She'd probably laugh in my face or cuss me out for daring to ask her to prom again.

Asking Anne was out of the question.  I'm not saying I never saw her again after we broke up.  I did see and talk to her occasionally.  We even kissed a few times after breaking up.  I think we may have even went through a period of "going out" where the idea was that we could see each other and see others as well.  That never works out.  People just end up jealous and hurt.  I knew we were never going to actually be a couple again.

During the fall of my senior year I returned a picture that belonged to her.  I returned it safe and sound.  But, since I simply mailed her the picture without any accompanying letter or note I guess she took it as a slight and was not too pleased with me.  That didn't stop her from showing up at my house around Christmas time with her boyfriend in tow.  The nerve of that girl.

She did actually call me sometime before prom that year partly to explain why her boyfriend had been with her when she stopped by during the holiday season.  She let me know that she was happy going out with this boy from her own high school but that she would always cherish the time we'd spent together. 

Her sweet words touched me and made me feel special.  But, that didn't change my current situation.

So, I eventually ran out of options.  After all these machinations, the upshot was that I still had no date for prom. 

My buddy Chris came to the rescue.  I think he'd been following my situation and sympathizing.  At some point we decided to go "stag." 

Stag is defined as "a person who attends a social gathering unaccompanied by a partner."

Going stag sounded nice.  It had a nice ring to it.  It suggested that going to prom alone was a choice.

I think Chris could have taken a girl he'd been spending some time with that year.  But, for some reason he decided that he and I and a couple of other guys would attend prom as a group.  I guess I'll never know if he did this as a favor to me, an old friend, or if he had other reasons. 

I seem to recall one of my classmates breaking up with his girlfriend shortly before prom and then asking a sophomore to go with him.  I think she found out about his breakup and let him know she didn't want to be his rebound date and that she didn't want to be used to get over his ex.  Well, he must have convinced her of his sincerity because they did end up attending prom together.

Another senior classmate asked a freshman girl to be his date although I think he was a bit concerned he might get teased about it. 

I didn't care much for how I looked on the day of prom.  I'd made the lamentable decision to have my hair permed a few weeks before.  In my defense, I wasn't the only senior boy to try changing his look by adding some curl to his hair.  The year before I'd gotten a rattail haircut after wrestling season.  I assume I must have cut the rat tail off before my junior prom.  But, there wasn't much I could do about my frizzy permed hair. 

I also wasn't too happy with my red opera scarf.  It didn't seem to lie comfortably on my tuxedo so my mom pinned it down.  It didn't look cool like it had on the mannequin.  I'm not sure why I didn't just leave it at home.  I guess the point of getting that particular tuxedo had been the cool scarf so I wasn't going to back out on wearing it now.  We snapped of few pictures of me anyway and then I was off.

 

After driving to Postville and meeting up with the other guys, our motley crew decided to drive to Prairie du Chien, Wisconsin. It wasn't uncommon for people in the Postville area to cross over the Mississippi into Wisconsin as a pleasant diversion.

As I recall we stopped at McDonald's for a snack and later at Dairy Queen for another snack. I think we may have walked around a big discount store. We may have even looked at a display of prophylactics. I'm not sure if that actually happened but I can imagine four male teenagers scrutinizing the condom selection even if the chance of anyone having sex that night was highly unlikely.

 

We drove back and waited to get into the banquet. I think Kathryn said she liked my scarf which made me feel a little better. I wasn't very hungry for the meal after all of that snacking.

 

Everyone was announced upon entering the banquet. Some of my classmates tried to be funny.

 

One couple was introduced as Master Jeffrey D. (blank) and Ms. (blank). Andy O. simply had himself introduced as James Bond as I recall. I guess I could have had myself introduced as lord, earl, or duke but I wasn't that clever.

 

 

At the dance, the traditional grand march was performed. Everyone found a partner to promenade around the ballroom with except me. I swear to God there wasn't one girl left unattached. Some people had their dates of course but even those without dates coupled up. While everyone was taking part in this opening ceremony, I was standing there alone feeling totally humiliated. I was mortified. Everyone must think I'm a huge loser. I suppose they didn't necessarily notice me since they were all promenading around showing off their finery. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to disappear. Pick the expression you like. I'm still kind of embarrassed now all these years later. 

 

I did have a bit of good fortune at the dance though. Before long I noticed Dianne at the dance. I think perhaps she had performed at the banquet as part of a group and was therefore allowed to attend the dance. I was happy to see her. She was kind and we danced and talked. 

 

Prom may not have lived up to my fantasy. It wasn't the transcendent, sublime experience I was hoping for. But, I got to take part in this great American teenage ritual and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

 

           












 

 

 



 

 



A Woman Named Doris

Doris was the name of one my professors at the small liberal arts college I attended back in the late 1980s.  She had divorced late in life and earned a B.A. degree at the age of 50.  She entered a graduate program at the age of 52 and was 62 when I met her in 1986.  I don't think of 62 as old now though at the time I suppose it seemed ancient. 

Doris didn't mind being called by her first name.  However, on one occasion a male colleague introduced a group of professors by saying, "This is  Dr. So-and-So and this is Dr. So-and-So."  When he got to Doris he simply introduced her as Doris Cottam instead of Dr. Cottam.  She felt slighted and accused him of neglecting to introduce her properly because she was a woman and he of course denied any wrongdoing.

Doris readily admitted to being a feminist.  She believed in equal pay for equal work.  She detested the idea that women be expected to be content being kept "barefoot and pregnant."  But, that didn't mean she didn't like men. 

"Some people say I hate men.  That's not true!  I love men!  In fact, if you know of any eligible men you'd like to introduce me to please do so," she told us in one class.

She didn't mind being called opinionated either.

"Some people say I'm opinionated.  You're darn right I am!  I've worked long and hard to cultivate these opinions.  There's nothing wrong with having an opinion!"

The first class I had with Doris was Introduction to Sociology (Sociology 101).  She had us all experiment with breaking societal norms.  A couple of my female classmates attended a church and held hands and acted very affectionate suggesting they were a gay couple.  They got a lot of looks and stares.  Today, two women or men holding hands might not be noteworthy at all.

I suppose I could break a norm now by wearing a confederate flag tee shirt and a red Donald Trump MAGA hat and see how many people verbally attack me and threaten me bodily harm. 

She held a contest one day in class.  The contest involved three males vying for the title of Sociology Queen.  No gay jokes please.  The idea was that she wanted the males to act in a stereotypical feminine way.  I was one of the contestants.

The three of us stepped outside the door before making an entrance.  I came waltzing in trying to act like a beauty queen.  When I reached the center of the room I slowly turned around so the class could get a good look at my backside and then turned to face them again with a big smile.  That got a lot of laughs.  The other two guys just walked in and didn't really play the part which disappointed Doris who was simply trying to teach us something about gender stereotypes.  So, I was Sociology Queen in the fall of 1986.  Top that.

I had other classes with Doris like Person and Society, American Minorities, and Marriage and Family.

Doris liked to use personal anecdotes to get her message across.  She readily admitted her father was a bigot.  He had a name for every ethnic group.  African Americans were the N-word.  Mexicans were spics.  Jews were kikes.  Italians were wops.  I can only imagine what he called Asians. 

Her husband had left her for some young, blond thing.  She admitted to us that she begged and pleaded with him not to go through with it.  But, he couldn't be swayed.  When they divorced she ended up being hospitalized for depression.  She couldn't stand to sleep under the covers of the bed they'd shared.  She would lay down on the bed and put a blanket or Afghan over herself and tell herself she was just napping.  Somehow that made it okay.

Eventually she picked herself up and returned to college pursuing her dream of being a teacher.

Although she was a feminist and concerned about equality and barriers women faced like the so-called glass ceiling, she was concerned about men as well.  She was concerned about the pressures that men felt to be strong and never show their emotions and to be the breadwinner.

Anthony disagreed with her and thought that's the way things should be.  A man had to be a man. 

"Well, Anthony, I'm afraid the stress you're putting on yourself is going to give you a heart attack one day," she said sadly.

If Doris were still around she might be one of the few people to acknowledge the plight of men in contemporary America.  Why has suicide in men increased dramatically?  Why are men's testosterone and sperm counts plummeting?  Why is it that considerably more women go to and graduate from college?  Women now decisively outnumber men in graduate school as well.  Why is that?  What is happening to American men?  Yes, Doris was a feminist and was concerned about the so-called patriarchy but she cared about boys and men too.

I don't recall global warming/climate change being a hot topic when I was in college although the terms were in use.  We were more concerned about the ozone layer and chlorofluorocarbons I suppose.  I don't recall anyone being concerned that the polar ice caps might melt or that life on Earth was in imminent danger. 

What was Doris concerned about?  Diapers.  That's right.  Doris was concerned about the number of disposable diapers filling up our landfills.  Diapers that take 500 years to decompose.  Doris was concerned about pollution.  I think young people today are so concerned about life on Earth ending in the near future because of climate change they don't think that much about regular old pollution anymore.  What would Doris have to say about climate change?  As hip as Doris was I think even she would have some doubts about the so-called Green New Deal.

Doris taught me the word androgyny.  She wanted us to consider the role that socialization played in shaping how we viewed gender roles.

One day around the holiday season Doris's granddaughter said, "Grandma, we have to buy a Christmas present for a boy because we're having a gift exchange at school and I got a boy's name."

Doris replied, "Why do we have to get a boy gift?  Why can't we get a gift that a boy or girl could enjoy?  Who decides what is a boy gift or a girl gift?"

The granddaughter was used to this sort of talk from her grandmother and said, "Well, Grandma, you know that and I know that but they don't know that."

They bought a boy gift.

Doris was hip to androgyny.  But, would she surprised to hear a person can choose any number of genders now?  Would she be okay with an anatomical boy being in a girls restroom because he believed he was trapped in the wrong body?

Doris was tolerant of gay people.  Would she be happy about gay marriage? Would she be cool with the acronym LGBT or even LGBTQIA?  Or, would she think things had gone a wee too far?

She was tolerant of transgender people as well.  But, would she think a student requesting to be referred to as "they" instead of he or she was going a bit too far?  What would she think of the fuss over pronouns?

What would Doris think of the #MeToo movement?  We spoke in her classes of sexual harassment and sexual assault and the objectification of women.  But, would she put wolf-whistling and cat-calling under the same umbrella as sexual assault? 

Doris told us that sometimes in old movies a female would be acting hysterical and a man would slap her to bring her to her senses.  Doris said, "By God, if a man ever slapped me he'd rue the day!"

And yet, Doris said when a man in a movie lit two cigarettes in his mouth and then gave one to his lady friend it was romantic as hell. 

One day I told Doris that my girlfriend had dumped me because her parents didn't want her marrying some "farm boy."  Doris found this interesting from a sociological point of view.  She even mentioned it in class one day saying that she'd recently spoken with a young man who had been the victim of class discrimination.

When I was talking to her that day though she wasn't being the professor.  She was simply being a friend and told me, "Well, Tharin, it's true what they say.  There's plenty of fish in the sea.  Forget about her.  You can do better."

I wonder what Doris would think of college kids demanding free tuition and other things?  Sure, she was a liberal and no doubt despised inequality.  On the other hand, she had lived through an abusive father, World War II, and a divorce.  She came from humble beginnings and worked hard all her life.  But, she also acknowledged that certain institutions and policies had helped her along the way.  Perhaps she'd tell some of these so-called snowflakes to develop some backbone and grow the hell up.  Then again, she might admire their spunk and activism.

Doris was voted Professor of the Year in 1991.  She retired a few years later.  Doris also ran for a seat in the Iowa House of Representatives.  I don't believe she won.  Too bad.  She would have enjoyed shaking things up.

Doris passed away in 2006.  She was a woman of faith.  If she's in heaven perhaps she has a glass of champagne in one hand and a cigarette in the other and is giving God an earful whether he/she/they wants it or not.