I pointed out the heart by my name because she, the beautiful coworker I adore, was nearby at her pricing table.
"Someone loves me," I said.
She smiled.
"I wonder who put it there," I said.
"I don't know," she said, "Maybe some left-handed goddess."
"Are you left-handed?" I asked.
"Yes," she said as she smiled.
The first time we met you came running by the break room looking for a manager. You had been working in donations and weren't sure whether you could accept a particular item so I offered to come and take a look. After dealing with the situation we talked for a bit. Saying I felt an instant connection with you might seem an exaggeration but I did feel there was something special about you. Sure, you were beautiful but it was more than that.
We had some good conversations at work after that initial meeting. I had such a crush on you. I couldn't wait to see you again and was disappointed if we were scheduled for different shifts. You seemed funny and intelligent. You seemed cool but quirky. You were edgy but sweet.
You were a vegan who loved salsa and hummus. And, tater tots!
You had tattoos of cats and Godzilla.
"Yeah, really hard core stuff," you joked.
One time we carried some furniture out onto the sales floor together. After we set the furniture down you raised your hand up for a spontaneous high five.
I still love it when you want to high five.
I eventually asked you if you had any roommates. I didn't want to ask a really obvious question like, "So, do you have a boyfriend?" You said you lived with your cat. And, your boyfriend.
I smiled and nodded trying to be cool and casual although perhaps you could tell how crushed I was. I wasn't really surprised you had a boyfriend. Beautiful women almost always do. It was silly to think you might actually have some feelings for me anyway, right?
One of my coworkers talked to you in private and I heard he got your number and I was jealous. Later I found out you had no interest in him at all. It was just one of those situations where you gave a guy your number as a friend and he was hoping it was more than that. A few other guys had an interest in you at work too. One time you exited through the donations door after your shift to avoid a male coworker you'd heard was waiting for you outside. You were willing to get written up for breaking the rules to avoid dealing with having to reject his proposal of going on a date. One of our female coworkers joked that you had a fan club.
I decided to just focus on being a good friend and we continued to have good conversations. I got over my crush on you although I, of course, still looked forward to seeing you whenever we worked together.
When you did become single I never acted upon it. I had become used to thinking of you as a friend. My health wasn't so good. You deserved better anyway I figured. And, I still wasn't really sure if you ever had more than a platonic interest in me. After all, I'd seen you shoot a few guys down or avoid them altogether. How could I know if you'd shoot me down too.
You ended up having a liaison with another coworker. Or, so I heard. I was a bit disappointed you chose some typical bad boy. But, who am I to judge. Did I expect you to pursue a boring polo shirt and khaki pants wearing guy like me?
Guys have flings all the time just because a girl looks a certain way, right? So, why can't a woman. I would never expect you to be constrained by some archaic double standard. So, good for you for choosing the adventurous bad boy. And, even though you had some regrets later and broke things off with him I realize you may have actually had some feelings for him.
Eventually you were back with the original boyfriend. Then you had a baby! That was exciting. I was still enamored with you anyway. Perhaps I imagined us being together and raising this child together.
You became single again. You moved into a new house. You bought a new vehicle which is funny because you used to always walk and ride your bike.
We seemed to get closer again after you returned from having a baby.
I wrote you notes. I made you an origami cat. You put hearts by my name on the assignment board. Everyone at work knew I liked you. It wasn't a secret.
One coworker joked he couldn't mess with me because you were so protective of me. It's true. Even if a customer hurt my feelings you were ready to throw punches. Why do you care about me so much?
You are so cool even though different from me in many ways. You like horror and slasher films. You enjoy having glass or plastic skulls sitting on your pricing table. You told me recently you have a skull in every room of your house except the bathroom. You're an artist. Sometimes you wear a necklace with a Frida Kahlo pendant on it because you're a huge fan of hers. You dress cool. You're often in dark colors and boots. No polo shirts or khaki pants for you. You continue to add more tattoos. You like things I would expect like Hello Kitty. But, you like things I wouldn't expect like Godzilla and Domo Kun.
I suggested you might want to get the initials TS tattooed on your body. You said perhaps on your posterior. Is that a good thing? Maybe the initials TS will reside on one your rear cheeks someday.
"Have you seen Pet Cemetery?" I asked recently.
"Of course!" you said. "That's like in my top three."
"So, you've seen every horror movie?" I asked.
"I'm working on it," you said. "That's my goal."
You said you were looking forward to October and the new horror movies that would be coming out.
You told me someone donated a blanket once with a Ouija Board design on it and our coworkers were afraid to even touch it. You priced it, put it on the sales floor, and came back and bought it on your day off.
If you'd been a young women in the late 1970s would you have been a punk rocker?
Sometimes you stroke my ego by saying I'm an alpha male and have all kinds of women after me. Or, you say women are lined up around the block because they know I'm working that day. Or, you make up stories like how you came to meet me at a restaurant only to find me with two other women.
Sometimes we'd high five and our fingers would become intertwined briefly. I've read that's a sign that a girl is into you. But, I couldn't believe you were really into me.
You asked me once, "Tharin, how does a girl know if guy really likes her?"
I wondered if you were cryptically asking me, "Tharin, do you like me?"
I noticed you had dimples not so long ago. I'm not sure why I never noticed them before. Damn, girl! Like you weren't cute enough already.
I got your number at some point. You suggested we could grab a bite sometime or catch a movie or go to the library. I didn't act upon it. My health isn't so good. I keep to myself a lot. I blew it. I could have spent time with this amazing women who had become my friend.
At one point I remember thinking to myself I'm not afraid she'd say "No" if I ask her out. I'm afraid she'd say "Yes." Then I'd have to man up and actually follow through. Maybe I'd be a disappointing date. I couldn't take disappointing you.
I called you once while I was in the hospital. You were kind and supportive.
You said, "You know I love you."
Before we hung up you again said, "I love you."
"I love you too," I said.
You probably simply meant you loved me as a dear friend. But, that is huge. When someone loves you in any fashion and cares deeply about you it is huge.
You continue to make me laugh.
"What would you like for Valentine's Day?" I inquired back in February.
"Not flowers. I don't want something that's just going to wilt and die. I'd rather have something cool like a cactus. I don't want a Teddy Bear. What would I do with that? A hand-written scented note would be cool. A lock of your hair. One of your teeth. A nice meal. Some chips. Take me to an arcade."
Damn, girl! No flowers and a box of chocolates for you. You are so unique. I love that about you.
Perhaps we will go out one day soon when I man up and take the initiative. I will buy you a big vegan burrito and win your heart forever. I'm not sure what you see in a boring guy like me. But, when I saw a heart by my name on the board again recently I was on top the world.
I don't like horror movies but I'd watch them if you were next to me.. Just hold my hand or give me a hug. You can wrap your tattooed arms around me anytime.
You recently mentioned you'd like a pair of fish tank/aquarium shoes - not with real fish of course. You keep surprising me.
You are a goddess! A left-handed goddess. I love you.
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