Exoskeleton: An Essay About Eating Disorders, Cyborgs, and Other Things

A few years ago while recovering from anorexia nervosa I met an interesting young woman with whom I had several conversations. She too was recovering from an eating disorder. 

She was a pretty blond Swedish American from Idaho so I'll call her Ada.

Ada believed that the genesis, the trigger if you will, of her eating disorder was an operation in which her appendix was removed. 

“After the surgery I felt strange. I felt vulnerable. I wished I could have an exoskeleton to protect me,” she explained. 

Somehow this vulnerable feeling evolved into an eating disorder. Did limiting what she ate and maintaining a concave abdomen somehow make her feel protected and safe? 

I met another woman in treatment who restricted her intake because she didn't want the curves associated with a woman's body. Men had hurt her. She didn't want men to notice her or be attracted to her. She wanted a small and thin body that wouldn't draw any attention. So, she stayed thin to protect herself.

The strange thing is that I know another woman, Janet, whose reaction to trauma was quite different. She told me about being forced to eat the cooking of her stepfather during her younger years. She described it as "prison cooking." He would make odd conglomerations of unappetizing food and she would have to eat it or be physically punished. 

When she finally became an independent woman she was quite thin after the years of malnutrition. When she was on her own she began to enjoy eating. She gained a lot of weight.

“I hate being thin,” she told me, “I don't want to be thin like I was ever again.”

She's a beautiful full-figured woman with wide hips and plenty of curves. One day she was complaining about a postpartum compression wrap she saw on a store shelf. It was designed to narrow one's hips after delivery. 

“You see this? This is ridiculous. Now, Tharin, do you want a woman who's flat and narrow or a woman with hips – with something you can grab onto?” she asked.

“I want a woman with hips,” I said.

“That better be your answer,” she said.

“I liked the weight I put on during pregnancy. I like my hips and I'd make them even wider if I could,” she continued.

I can only guess that to Janet, an ample and voluptuous body is equated with health and strength and prosperity. 

But, that's not what sweet Ada wanted. She found comfort in having a flat stomach. I guess I found some comfort too in starvation during some tough times during adulthood.

I became good at cutting weight for wrestling in high school. I hated cutting weight though. After the season was over, I ate. I ate a lot. It scared me a little sometimes because I felt like I couldn't get enough. But, when the stresses of adulthood came along I lost my appetite. I found some comfort in not eating. I guess I was looking for a safe feeling like Ada. But, when I couldn't find it I guess I just wanted to disappear.  I didn't want to feel pain or fear.  I didn't want to feel worthless or hopeless.  So, I decided to feel nothing at all. 

I recall at one low point wishing I was a robot with no emotions. I became so malnourished at one point that I became like a robot. A robot with little emotion and no life outside of the narrow confines I had set for myself. 

In the Ghost in the Shell manga and anime series, the female cyborg Motoko Kusanagi possesses an incredibly durable prosthetic body, with enhanced strength, speed and coordination. In fact, only part of her brain and spinal cord remain composed of human tissue. She has a tendency to question her own humanity and whether or not she has a soul (what cyborgs refer to as their "ghost"). She tends to keep her human emotions well under control. 

November Annabella "Nova" Terra is a Ghost agent from the StarCraft universe. In this case a Ghost is an assassin. She sometimes wears a powered combat suit – an exoskeleton.

She requested a mind-wipe that erased all recollection of her tragic youth.

As of becoming a full fledged ghost, after undergoing a memory wipe, Nova's personality became colder. Additionally, although she underwent a memory wipe, Nova remains psychologically scarred by the murder of her family and has trouble connecting to people as a result. Not that she particularly desired to, however—for the most part, she was content to be regarded as a merciless killer and remain isolated from her fellow men, not wanting to forge attachments that could be broken.

I've met women in treatment who have survived a lot of trauma. I've met women who didn't want to get too close to anyone. I've met women who have lost almost any desire for human contact. I wonder if they would like a “mind-wipe” so they could erase all of those haunting memories? 

Would Ada have liked to have been a cyborg? Her body would be protected and strong. She'd still have to deal with human emotions though. Sometimes our emotions are more frightening and harder to manage than any physical threat.

Ada was really sweet and easy to talk to.

Ada talked about her Swedish background which was interesting since I'm Norwegian. Her father declared she was only allowed to drive a Volvo or a Saab or so she claimed. Her parents continued to make her dress up for St. Lucia's Day in a white dress with a red sash around her waist and a crown of candles on her head. She mentioned Dala horses. A Dala horse is a traditional carved, painted wooden horse statuette originating in the Swedish province Dalarna. I knew about these horses because I'd seen some in shop windows in Decorah during the Nordic Fest. I asked her about a distilled spirit called aquavit hoping to sound smart. She said her family used it to make glögg, the Swedish version of mulled wine, to drink around Christmastime. 

We discussed many subjects. 

We both liked the Sinatra song “Summer Wind.”

She told me she wanted to get married in the rain someday. I didn't press her for details. Did she think rain had some mystical force that would grant her a happy marriage? In some cultures, rain on your wedding day is considered good luck, symbolizing fertility and cleansing. Is rain romantic? “Let's cuddle close under an umbrella, sweetheart!” “Let me help you dry off and warm up, darling."  Did she simply find rainy days to be soothing? Think of all those meditation recordings featuring the calming sounds of rain to help us relax.

We spoke a little about writing and poetry. I printed off a copy of Shakespeare's Sonnet 141 and shared it with her.

In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,

For they in thee a thousand errors note;

But ‘tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who, in despite of view, is pleased to dote;
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue’s tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:

But my five wits nor my five senses can

Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man,
Thy proud heart’s slave and vassal wretch to be.
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain. 

She read it slowly and then smirked and said, “He's basically saying she's ugly.”

While it's true Shakespeare is aware of the woman's physical flaws, his heart is completely enthralled by her. We can still desire someone while acknowledging their faults.

I only knew about this sonnet because it was mentioned in the movie 10 Things I Hate About You.

I wrote her a sonnet. I think it was entitled “A Quasi-Sonnet for Ada.” I didn't have the rhyme scheme quite right. That's why I called it a quasi-sonnet. 

Most of the women I met in treatment were beautiful, kind, and intelligent. In group therapy one day we were disucssing body image and one of the woman said she liked my shoulders because they were wide. I thought to myself Hell yeah! I still got it!

I was sometimes the only male on the eating disorder unit. One day we were all in the activities van on an outing and I said, “It's seven woman and me. I think I like this.”

The Activities Therapist looked over at the Nurse's Aide and said, “Well, I guess his testosterone level is getting back to normal.”

Dr A and Dr. B used to say to us patients, “You need to find a healthy way to meet your needs.”

If you need attention or stress reduction or a greater sense of control you need to find a way to achieve that without coping through starvation and other eating disorder behaviors.

Sometimes patients need to get in touch with their thoughts and feelings. It might sound kind of corny but it's true.

We all learned Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help us identify our feelings and identify our sometimes distorted thinking.  For example, if you make a mistake at work you may feel angry and embarrassed and think to yourself, “I am not allowed to make mistakes. I must always be perfect.” This is distorted thinking. This might be called black and white (polarized ) thinking. You believe anything short of perfection makes you a failure. 

We need to untwist this negative thinking. No one is perfect. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to see things in shades of gray. When things don't work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

It's hard to be kind to ourselves sometimes.  And, at times the world seems to lack empathy and compassion.

In group one day, I asked Dr. B if it was possible to develop a “thicker skin” so my sensitive personality could handle the criticism and judgments from the a-holes of the world without having it hurt so much. Other than CBT he didn't have much to offer me. One of the social workers told me that being sensitive wasn't good or bad. Being sensitive may make life tougher emotionally at times but it's not a bad thing. In college one of my professors said, “Some people feel too much. Some people don't feel as much. And some people are just jerks.” Sometimes I wish I was a Terminator (i.e. a cyborg) who felt nothing and was essentially indestructible. But, alas, for now there is no exoskeleton for me. 

When Ada was done with treatment and in a state we call “recovery” she left and I presume returned to Idaho. She said, “Tharin, I love you and I'll miss you deeply. I'll write you every day.”

No, she didn't say any of that. I think she did give me a hug the morning she left. I think she did say, “I'll miss you.” At least that's how I like to remember it. We didn't stay in touch though.

I'm not sure what became of her.

Perhaps she got married during a gentle rain shower like she'd dreamed of doing.

 

 

Perhaps she became a superheroine and in accordance with that role wears a protective suit that keeps her safe from harm. An exoskeleton if you will. 

Did you know some robotic exoskeletons really exist?

Today, powered exoskeleton suits are becoming a reality; perhaps several hundred commercial and experimental exosuits now operate globally. But until somebody invents the equivalent of the palm-sized power plant Tony Stark wears in his chest, real-world exoskeleton suits will have to make do with an all-too-limited power supply and much less spectacular capabilities.

Perhaps all of the individuals who recover from eating disorders have donned a metaphorical exoskeleton so they'll always feel protected and safe and ready to withstand the challenges that life brings.