Bianca was a retired ballerina. She was petite, standing about 5'4" with dark hair. She hadn't belonged to one of the more famous ballet companies but nonetheless had made a living dancing. She'd had some injuries along the way and was getting older. She'd finally given up dancing and was majoring in biology with the goal of eventually becoming a physical therapist. She'd had eating disorder issues during her years as a dancer but had accepted that watching her weight was part of the price to be paid as an elite dancer.
After retiring and beginning college, she found her eating disorder becoming worse which was confusing to her considering dancing was no longer her profession. She wasn't restricting like she had in the past. In fact, she let herself enjoy foods like ice cream and pizza that she hadn't for years. It felt so good to finally eat again. Now she had developed bulimia. She binged sometimes in search of emotional comfort and then purged because of the guilt she felt afterward. She'd finally decided to get some help because her eating disorder behavior was interfering with her studies.
One day in group therapy Bianca mused that perhaps no longer being a dancer had left her feeling painfully normal. She wasn't special any longer. "What am I if I'm not a dancer?" she wondered.
"Why can't you just be a good student and become a good physical therapist? Why isn't that enough?" someone asked.
"I guess I miss the physical demand of dancing. I miss being the talented, thin ballerina," Bianca answered.
Bianca had been dancing since she was a young girl. She'd had overbearing parents who demanded perfection. Bianca agreed that she might still be feeling that need to be perfect. Now that she was at basically a normal weight for her height and age she didn't like it.
"All of my lady parts seem to be getting bigger," she said, "Christ! I was at a dance club not too long ago and told a guy I was a retired ballerina and he didn't believe me. He didn't think I looked like a ballerina!"
"You're a woman. You're supposed to have curves. A woman's body is designed to bear children," remarked the therapist.
Bianca was having none of it. She didn't want curves and wasn't all that thrilled that her monthly period had returned either.
A teenage patient named Olivia had stopped menstruating as well. But, adequate nutrition and a higher body weight must have done the trick because one morning when I showed up to partial the place was in a commotion.
Olivia had arrived that morning feeling a bit strange. Then she realized her period had returned. The nurse had gotten her the essential articles needed to deal with the situation but Olivia needed some different clothes now. A volunteer organization within the hospital was called and soon Olivia had a new set of clothes.
I was the only male in the group and felt a bit out of place. I think Olivia even said something like "Sorry about all of this girly stuff, Tharin."
I just laughed and told her I was fine and that I had two sisters.
All the young ladies in the group seemed so happy. This aura of happiness seemed to last the entire day. Everyone was happy for Olivia. I think Olivia was concerned that her menses might never return. She might want to have children one day. Her period returning was a sign of a healthy body and this made everyone in the group happy.
I talked to Bianca during lunch a few times about ballet. She had danced from a young age. She mentioned attending something called a Joffrey summer ballet intensive in her younger days. She said she'd eventually found work in a less well known ballet company. I believe she said she'd never been a principal dancer or a soloist. She'd been in the corps de ballet. But, even getting a full-time corps contract is huge. I didn't quite understand all of this. She said that she danced a lot but essentially never got to be the star. She said that eating disorders among dancers certainly existed although she couldn't say for sure how common they were.
During another group therapy session, Bianca was still focused on how she wasn't accomplishing much these days. Studying and working out sporadically just wasn't enough.
"You're a human being, Bianca. You're not a human-doing," someone said.
"Oh, God! I hate pithy little sayings like that!" barked Bianca. "That's like saying we should congratulate someone for getting out of bed each day."
I guess I took issue with that because I decided to speak up.
"Well, I agree the bit about being a human being and not a human-doing is kind of corny. But, I've had days where I wanted to stay in bed all day and it took a lot of effort just to get up and take a shower. Sometimes if I get out of bed and manage to carry the trash out or run one errand it's a good day for me. Depression is no joke," I said.
"Well, I value being a disciplined, hardworking person," Bianca replied. "What am I now? I don't want to be just some average college student."
"Well, I used to be the star high school wrestler," I replied. "I was athletic and well built. I don't like how I look most days now. And, I was a good college student but have spent most of my adult life being a cashier. I feel like an abject failure most of the time."
Bianca just stared at me for a while. Then I asked, "Do you think I'm a failure?"
"No, of course not," she said. "I think you've had to deal with a lot of shit you didn't ask for."
"Why can't you be that kind to yourself, Bianca?" someone asked.
"I don't know," Bianca replied as she began to cry.
After her tears subsided a bit she continued, "In my family you never really relaxed or had fun. Even reading a book just for pleasure was unheard of. And, something like taking an afternoon nap would have been unthinkable," she said.
"You're an adult now. Do whatever the hell you want!" someone suggested.
One day at lunch Gabrielle told Bianca she had a dance pole at home and that she thought Bianca might enjoy it.
"You mean like a stripper pole?" asked Bianca.
"Well, I prefer to call it a dance pole, but yeah. It's actually pretty cool and I get to combine some dance and acrobatics and it's a fun way to work out," replied Gabrielle.
"I never realized you could have your own pole at home. I'm sorry I sounded judgmental. I bet it is a lot of fun," said Bianca.
Then some of the girls started talking about how cute figure skaters were. Bianca agreed that some of the male skaters were indeed cute. A couple of the girls had actually been competitive figure skaters themselves in their younger days. With all of the talk about male figure skaters going on I started sulking and groaning.
"What's wrong, Tharin? Are you jealous?" Katie asked.
"No," I lied, "It's just that last week you were all talking about how hot fire fighters are and now this week it's figure skaters."
"Oh, Tharin, we think you're cute too," said Kelly. They all smiled at me including Bianca. That made me feel better.
"So, what do you look for in a woman, Tharin?" asked Katie.
"I don't know," I said feeling embarrassed by the topic.
"Well boobs or butt or what?" she pressed. I refused to answer.
"Well, if you ask me what I look for in a man I can tell you instantly," she said while snapping her fingers for emphasis.
Earlier in group Allison from Idaho had admitted that she'd met a young professor at a coffee shop recently and had slept with him a couple of times. This, of course, did not go over well with the group therapist.
Maggie, on the other hand, was a twenty year-old woman who claimed she'd never been kissed. She wasn't really concerned about it though and figured it would happen some day when the time was right.
Maggie didn't like that her parents talked so much about exercise and eating healthy. She wanted them to stop such talk around her which I thought seemed reasonable. But, the therapist said that wasn't fair to her parents. The parents weren't directing comments at Maggie. They just happened to talk a lot about exercise and health. The therapist told Maggie she shouldn't expect her parents to walk around on egg shells being afraid they might say the wrong thing. Then I felt embarrassed because the therapist seemed to be saying I was totally wrong.
When we first met Bianca in Problem Solving group, the social worker asked Bianca his usual questions like "What's your diagnosis?" and "Why do you do that?" He also asked fun questions like "Do you have any piercings or tattoos?" Bianca had no piercings or tattoos but was thinking of getting a yin yang tattoo to remind her to seek balance in life.
The therapist was interested in Bianca's family dynamic with the overbearing parents. He wanted to make sure that she was having an adult relationship with her parents with good communication and clear boundaries. He was also interested in the thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions leading to her unhealthy behaviors.
One Friday afternoon at the end of programming Bianca asked me if I wanted to perhaps catch a movie and then have dinner afterward.
"I know this is kind of short notice," she said, "but would you be interested in going to a movie and having dinner with me?"
I didn't really have to give it much thought. How often in my life was I going to get the chance to dine with a real ballerina? Plus, she really was a sweet person so I fought my inclination to say no and agreed to an evening out with her.
I picked her up at her motel that evening. I don't recall what movie we saw. I think it was a comedy and we laughed a lot. Occasionally she would reach over and hold my hand for a while. After the movie Bianca wanted Chinese food so we went to a buffet.
"You okay?" she asked before we got out of the car.
"I've been here before and it didn't go so well," I said,"I got overwhelmed by all of the choices."
"Well, why don't you have a couple of appetizers like crab rangoon or spring rolls or dumplings. And, maybe a couple of main dishes," she offered.
"Well, I'm sure I'd like dumplings so maybe I'll try those," I said, "And, some fried rice and maybe one of the chicken dishes."
"And, we have to have egg rolls," she said.
"Yes, of course," I agreed.
Bianca helped guide me through the buffet. I felt a little embarrassed having her help me like I was a child but it was nice nonetheless. We enjoyed our food and talked a bit while eating.
"My sister took a modern dance class when she was a little girl," I said, "I remember her having a black leotard."
"Oh, cool. Modern dance is nice because it's not as rigid as ballet," said Bianca.
"So, are you getting much out of the partial program?" I asked.
She got kind of quiet and paused like she was considering whether to tell me something or not.
"I almost binged last night," she said quietly.
She had been feeling a little more down than usual the night before. She'd talked to her mom on the phone who wondered if she was cured yet and was going to get back to school and get on with her life. This, of course, had upset Bianca deeply. Treatment isn't that simple. One does not go to treatment and get cured. If one is fortunate she gains some insight into her issues and better ways of coping with emotional distress. But, no one is ever cured per se.
Bianca reacted by hanging up and going and buying some cookies and chips. She returned to the hotel room and was ready to eat it all. But, some small voice inside of her told her to stay strong. She knew her parents and a lot of people didn't really understand eating disorders and she was going to have accept that if she planned to get through all of this. So, she threw all of the junk food in the trash. She went for a long walk to clear her head and then came back and took a hot shower and felt better.
"Quite the waste of money, huh?" she said.
"No, it would have been worse if you'd eaten it all. Then you'd have really felt bad and ended up purging it all," I said, "The few dollars you threw away on junk food is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I'm proud of you for being strong and using your new coping skills."
"Thanks," she said, "I guess I'm kind of proud of myself too."
I wanted to know more about her ballet experience.
"When I started with the ballet company I was told by the artistic director I was a little pudgy and should lose five pounds," she said.
"What? Pudgy?" I said in disbelief.
"Oh yeah. They have an onsite nutritionist and give lip service to being healthy but it's kind of a mixed message because they also make it clear you need to look a certain way," she said.
"It's not all their fault," she continued, "Ballet is a visual art form and the male principal dancers do need to be able to lift their female partners. So, you can't just say anything goes when it comes to body shape and size in the world of ballet."
To stay thin Bianca had eaten a lot of rice cakes and fruit which was interesting because I too had eaten a lot of rice cakes and fruit when watching my weight for wrestling.
After we finished our meal I drove her back to her motel.
"You want to come in with me and talk some more?" she asked.
"Sure," I said.
She had a simple room with two beds. "Why didn't you stay at the Sheraton downtown?" I asked.
"Hey, I'm not some diva you know," she said, "Just a humble ballerina. All I need is a bed and a shower and I'm good."
"So, what do you think of Baryshnikov?" I asked.
"is that the only only ballet dancer you know?" she asked while laughing a bit.
"Yes, he is," I said.
"Well, he was and is amazing," she said, "And, he is a total hunk!"
A frowned and sighed a bit.
"Are you jealous?" she asked.
"Maybe," I replied.
She just smiled. "Let me teach you some ballet," she said.
She showed me the me the so-called five basic positions. In position five it looked a though her feet were pointing in opposite directions. She then said she was going to plie and did what looked like knee bends. Then I think she did something called an arabesque and finished off with a pirouette. Amazing!
Then it was my turn. I am not a flexible person. I was reasonably flexible in my wrestling days but that was long ago. She was patient and kind and just had me try the first two positions and plie a couple of times.
"You know in the movie Serpico I think Al Pacino mentions the first ballet position and someone named Isadora Duncan," I said.
"Cool, I'll have to check that out," she said, "You should watch the film Mao's Last Dancer if you get the chance. Billy Elliot and Black Swan are good too."
"Hey, I just remembered I watched Nutcracker: The Motion Picture," I said.
"Oh my God!" she said, "I always wanted to be Clara but never got the chance."
"But, they need snowflakes and flowers and dolls too, right?" I asked.
"Yeah, I know. I wanted to be Clara though," she said.
Then she asked me to dance with her. Not ballet but just a slow dance. She played some music on her MP3 player. I put my arms around her waist and she put hers around my neck. Soon her head was resting on my shoulder as we swayed to the music.
After a while she said, "Show me a wrestling move."
Since she was already in my arms I said I would show her a bear bug. I squeezed her tightly around the waist at the lower back and tackled her gently onto the bed. She laughed and then lifted her head up to mine and kissed me gently.
"Stay with me tonight," she said.
"You mean in the spare bed?" I asked.
"No, you can sleep with me," she said.
"You mean just sleep or something else?" I asked.
"Maybe just sleep or maybe something more," she replied.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," I said.
"You don't like thirty year-old ballerinas?" she inquired.
"I prefer gymnasts," I said smiling.
Bianca rolled her eyes and smiled. I tried to explain myself.
"I just prefer my own bed and sticking to my own routine in an obsessive-compulsive sort of way and I think if we ended up getting intimate it might not be such a good thing," I said, "And, even though I'm supposedly healthier now I actually perceive myself as being fat and unattractive at this point in treatment and am not exactly feeling manly."
"I understand," she said, "i'm not exactly feeling sexy right now either. I just feel really close to you. I feel like we've created this bond during treatment."
"Yeah, me too," I said.
"Maybe you could lie here with me for a while until I fall asleep," she said.
"Okay," I said.
Bianca took a sleeping pill and put on her pajamas. We lay down together in a spoon position and soon she was asleep. When I was sure she was asleep I crept quietly out of her room and went home.
Bianca finished partial hospital with some new coping skills and with a new belief that she didn't have to be perfect. She was still thinking of becoming a physical therapist but also considered becoming a yoga or Pilates instructor which would allow her to still be physical but in a different way free of the demands of being a professional ballerina.
She did, in fact, become a physical therapist. She's even worked with some dancers needing rehab after injuries. She stays active and can even dance herself just for pleasure and without being a perfectionist about it. She eventually got married and had two children. She has found a peace and joy that even the spotlight would have never brought her.
