The Beatles and Me

One of my elementary school classmates borrowed a Beatles album from the public library and brought it in to music class one day. I'm almost certain it was a compilation album entitled Rock and Roll Music which was released in 1976. The music teacher let us listen to a song on the album. Although I don't recall which song it was, I fell in love with the Fab Four that day. 

 

 

Mrs. Drewes was a great music teacher. She let us experiment with a wide variety of musical instruments including drums, tambourines, cymbals, triangles, sand blocks, castanets, and maracas. Of course if you were the one who got stuck whacking a couple of sticks together as your contribution to the percussion section you felt kind of cheated and insignificant. 

I believe she sometimes played an instrument called an autoharp. I think she also had a wood guiro with notches you scraped. I wonder if she called it a rasp because I don't recall her using the word guiro although I'm sure that's what it was.

Sometimes Mrs. Drewes would play popular music for us. I remember her playing “A Fifth of Beethoven” by Walter Murphy. Perhaps she thought this disco instrumental adapted from the first movement of Ludwig van Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was a clever way to introduce us to classical music.

I recall her once saying, “Don't tell me you don't like poetry. I know you all like music and music is poetry.”

More exposure to the Beatles would follow. 

Some third-grade classmates and I would sit around a record player each with our own set of headphones. The headphones were plugged into something called a jack box or distribution box so we could all listen to the record player at the same time without disturbing the other students. 

Patty introduced me to “409” by the Beach boys. The song began with a revving-engine effect. Patty informed me that 409 referred to the singer's car. Actually, I now know that the song describes a Chevrolet with a 409 cubic-inch engine. So, she was essentially correct. I really enjoyed that song.

I liked the Beach Boys. They were often singing about the youth culture of surfing, cars, and romance. 

Danny liked to listen to “Sheila” by Tommy Roe perhaps because we had a cute classmate named Sheila. 

Me and Sheila go for a ride

Oh oh oh oh, I feel all funny inside

Then little Sheila whispers in my ear

Oh oh oh oh, I love you Sheila dear

My classmate Sheila didn't care much for the Beatles as I recall. She'd only let us listen to the Beatles if we agreed to listen to their song “Got To Get You Into My Life.” 

I really liked that song as well. Only later did I find out Paul McCartney claimed he'd written it as an ode to marijuana. I was a bit dismayed upon learning about his ode to pot. I thought it was a love song – the special love for another human being. Oh, Sheila, if you'd only known.

Some of the guys became interested, almost obsessed, with the hard rock group KISS. I liked KISS too. Their signature song “Rock and Roll All Nite” is a kick-ass rock anthem. But, I continued to be more interested in the Beatles and the Beach Boys. While some friends were buying KISS albums I was buying a Beach Boys album and a knock-off of the soundtrack for the movie Grease with songs performed by the Kid Stuff Repertory Company.

I was also blessed with another opportunity to listen to the Beatles. I was blessed with the good fortune of having parents who owned a stereo with a turntable and an 8-track player.

My parents had an 8-track tape of Beatles music known as The Red Album. This was a compilation album spanning the years 1962 – 1966. I realize now that my parents had only one cartridge of a two-cartridge set. I believe we only had The Beatles 1962 – 1966 Part 2.

The song tracks were:

Michelle

I Feel Fine

Yesterday

You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

We Can Work It Out

Nowhere Man

In my Life

Drive My Car

Girl

Eleanor Rigby

Paperback Writer

Yellow Submarine

It was perhaps fortunate that we didn't have part 1. By only having part 2 available I was exposed to obscure songs like “Drive My Car” and “Paperback Writer” which are still two of my favorites. 

“Paperback Writer” is sung from the perspective of an author soliciting a publisher. It was the first #1 hit for The Beatles that was not about love. This was a song that led the transition from early Beatles style to later Beatles style, from love songs to opening up the subject of songs to a wider variety of subjects.

Paul's Aunt had been bugging him for months, challenging him to "Write a song that wasn't about love." So he wrote this just to shut her up. He said: "We always try to do something different. And this idea's a bit different. Years ago my Auntie Lil said to me, 'Why can't you ever write about a horse or the summit conference or something interesting? So I thought, 'All right, Auntie Lil. I'll show you."

By this time, The Beatles were about to cease touring and couldn't make many TV appearances to perform the song. This made it very difficult to promote the single, so they commissioned a film clip that could be shown on these programs in their stead, unwittingly creating one of the first music videos.

Poor Paul has a chipped tooth in the video because of a recent accident.

Paperback Writer Preview

I remember hearing "Stars on 45."  In fact, I think we had a copy of it in our home.

According to Wikipedia:

 

"Stars on 45" is a song issued in January 1981 by the studio group Stars on 45. In some countries, including the UK, Ireland and New Zealand, the band was credited as 'Starsound' and the medley itself was named "Stars on 45". Its official title in the US (as on the record and in Billboard) where it was credited to 'Stars on 45' was "Medley: Intro 'Venus' / Sugar Sugar / No Reply / I'll Be Back / Drive My Car / Do You Want to Know a Secret / We Can Work It Out / I Should Have Known Better / Nowhere Man / You're Going to Lose That Girl / Stars on 45". It is (to date) the longest titled song to ever chart in Billboard, and is conveniently shortened to "Stars on 45 Medley", or "'Medley' by Stars on 45". The reason for the long title was copyright requirements for the use of The Beatles' songs.

At a high school dance during my junior year, I believe my friend and I asked the DJ if he would play a Beatles song. 

“You guys like the Beatles?” he asked. He seemed surprised but pleased.

He played “Twist and Shout” for us. I have to admit I wasn't that thrilled with his song choice. It wasn't one of my favorite Beatles tunes at the time. I realize now that it was a good choice for a dance though. I've grown to enjoy it more over the years since high school. 

The song enjoyed a resurgence of popularity in 1986 after Matthew Broderick lip-synced to the Beatles' version of it in the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Coincidentally, the Rodney Dangerfield film Back to School (released two days after Ferris) also featured the song, this one sung by Dangerfield himself and patterned after the Beatles' arrangement. The use in the two films helped propel the single up the Billboard Hot 100, where it peaked at No. 23 late that summer.

I saw a couple of movies on television associated with the Beatles.  I saw 
I Wanna Hold Your Hand (1978) and The Birth of the Beatles (1979).

I've never actually seen A Hard Day's Night (1964) or Help! (1965).  What?  Don't worry.  I plan to watch them soon.

I'm not going to exaggerate and say the Beatles were the soundtrack to my youth. But, they were an important part of it. The popular music of the 1980s was more important and relevant to me as a teenager than the Beatles. And yet, when a friend and I were driving to an AC/DC concert the fall of my senior year we listened to a Beatles cassette on the way to our destination.

I became interested in dance pop, R&B, Chicago house, Latin freestyle, and hip-hop music in college. Nonetheless, I still had Beatles, Beach Boys, and Tommy James cassettes in my small cassette collection.

When The Beatles Anthology documentary was broadcast in November 1995, I was excited. Even though I was a Beatles fan, I didn't really know much about their history.

Learning how these young lads from Liverpool met was really interesting. It's rather amazing that four guys were brought together by chance or fate and became such a huge thing.

A family member gave me the compilation album Anthology 1 for Christmas that year. It was a pretty big deal for Beatles fans.

Did you know that the Beatles were originally known as the Quarrymen and then the Silver Beetles before finally becoming the Beatles spelled with an A? An art student named Stuart Sutcliffe was the original bass player until he left the band to pursue his career as a painter. Pete Best was the original drummer until he was replaced by Richard Starkey (professionally known as Ringo Starr).

Sutcliffe's girlfriend Astrid Kurchherr was credited with inventing the Beatles' moptop haircut.

 

Brian Epstein was a record store operator who had no previous experience managing a musical act. Nonetheless, after seeing the Beatles perform at the Cavern Club he asked to become their manager to which they eventually agreed.

Many record companies turned down the opportunity to sign the Beatles to a recording contract including Decca. 

"Not to mince words, Mr. Epstein, but we don't like your boys' sound. Groups are out; four-piece groups with guitars particularly are finished…The Beatles have no future in show business."

-- Decca Records Executive, 1962

Eventually Epstein met with producer George Martin who noted Epstein's confidence in the group. Martin agreed to sign them to the EMI Parlophone label.

Please Please Me was the group's debut album.

On February 9, 1964 the Beatles performed on The Ed Sullivan Show.

The rest is history.

Frank Sinatra had bobby-soxers swooning in the 1940s.

Elvis drove people mad with his gyrating pelvis in the 1950s.

But, the world had seen nothing like Beatlemania. 

"Beatlemania Besets Britain"

"Beatlemania Sweeps U. S."

The Beatles were a major component of the so-called British Invasion. The British invasion was a phenomenon that occurred in the mid-1960s when rock and pop music acts from the United Kingdom, as well as other aspects of British culture, became popular in the United States, and significant to the rising "counterculture" on both sides of the Atlantic. Pop and rock groups such as the Beatles, the Dave Clark Five, the Kinks, the Rolling Stones, Herman's Hermits, and the Animals were at the forefront of the invasion.

As much as I love the Beatles, I have a more intimate connection to the so-called Second British Invasion which occurred during my high school years. The Second British Invasion refers to music acts from the United Kingdom that became popular in the United States from the middle of 1982 into late 1986, primarily due to the cable music channel MTV. While acts with a wide variety of styles were part of the invasion, it was mainly synthpop and new wave influenced acts that predominated. 

On July 3, 1982, The Human League's "Don't You Want Me" started a three-week reign on top of the Hot 100. The song got considerable boost from MTV airplay and has been described by the Village Voice as "pretty unmistakably the moment the Second British Invasion, spurred by MTV, kicked off".

One thing that stands out when I see the Beatles performing is how genuinely happy the guys seem to be performing together.

The Beatles had some cool guitars such as:

John – Lennon primarily used a Rickenbacker 325 Capri from 1960 until 1964. He purchased the guitar in Hamburg in its original natural finish and used the guitar extensively throughout the Cavern Club performances. In early 1963 he sent the guitar off to be refinished in its more popular black finish. This is the way the guitar appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show performance in February 1964.

Paul – McCartney custom-ordered a left-handed Höfner model 500/1 "violin" bass during one of the group's early residences in Hamburg.

George – Harrison started off in the Cavern Club days playing a black Gretsch Duo Jet. The Duo Jet was refurbished many years later and featured on the cover and album Cloud Nine. In mid 1963 he switched to a Gretsch Country Gentleman and a Gretsch Tennessean, both of which he played until around 1965.

I don't know much about guitars but those are some cool names.

 

 

 

Ringo Starr bought a set of Premier drums in 1960, but in June 1963 made the switch to a four-piece Ludwig set. The American-made drums were newly available in England, but the clincher for Starr was the Black Oyster Pearl finish of the Ludwig kit. He used four similar kits altogether, including two that he kept at Abbey Road.
 Did you know he and Paul were both left-handed?

The overall effect of Starr's drumming for the Beatles has received high praise from notable drummers. Starr commented: "I'm no good on the technical things ... I'm your basic offbeat drummer with funny fills ... because I'm really left-handed playing a right-handed kit. I can't roll around the drums because of that."

They inspired a cartoon series.

According to Wikipedia:

The Beatles is an American animated television series featuring representations of the popular English rock band of the same name. It ran from 1965 to 1969 on ABC in the U.S.

 

What if the Beatles had never existed? Without them paving the way, would there have been a British invasion? Would the Rolling Stones and the Kinks still have found an audience in America?

Would popular music have been the same without the Beatles contributions and without them pushing the boundaries and challenging and inspiring others?

So much has been said and written about the Beatles -- and their story is so mythic in its sweep -- that it's difficult to summarize their career without restating clichés that have already been digested by tens of millions of rock fans. To start with the obvious, they were the greatest and most influential act of the rock era, and introduced more innovations into popular music than any other rock band of the 20th century. Moreover, they were among the few artists of any discipline that were simultaneously the best at what they did and the most popular at what they did. Relentlessly imaginative and experimental, the Beatles grabbed hold of the international mass consciousness in 1964 and never let go for the next six years, always staying ahead of the pack in terms of creativity but never losing their ability to communicate their increasingly sophisticated ideas to a mass audience. Their supremacy as rock icons remains unchallenged to this day, decades after their breakup in 1970.

- Richie Unterberger

Sure, not everyone is as enamored with The Beatles as I am.

 

But, I am happy and thankful that four lads from Liverpool named John, Paul, George, and Ringo came together and shared their gift with us.

 

My Conversation with Madonna: A Mostly True Tale

I'm lying in bed after trudging up the stairway to my bedroom around 9:00 PM. I was too tired to stay up and watch Miami Vice tonight so I'll have to catch up with Crockett and Tubbs next week.  It's mid November of 1985.  My last year of high school.

As drowsiness takes hold, I slip into that state somewhere between wakefulness and sleep. 

Madonna is on my mind because she's been on the radio a lot over the last couple of years. I even saw her in the movie Desperately Seeking Susan a few months ago. She's permeated the American culture, nay the world's culture. She has a legion of adoring fans many of whom would like to emulate her.

As I lie here, Madonna comes to me. I see her before me. Perhaps I'm imagining things in my drowsy state. Is this an elaborate fantasy being shaped by my tired body? Is this some ghostly apparition? Perhaps I'm already asleep and dreaming. Or, perhaps Madonna's consciousness has traversed the astral plane and she's here with me now in spirit. 

Madonna looks like she did in her “Lucky Star” video although she's luminous and translucent. She's dressed in black and showing just a bit of midriff. She has the see-through top. She has the skirt paired with leggings. She has the fingerless gloves and rubber bracelets. Her hair is in a black ribbon. I can see her blue green eyes and her red lips. I get the sense that she can't speak to me in this realm.  But she smiles at me reassuringly and I begin to speak.

Madonna, what are you doing here? Why are you visiting me? Did you sense that I needed someone to offer me a compassionate ear? I never thought I'd meet you. You look beautiful as always. If you're willing to listen, Madonna, I'm willing to talk. 

I know what you're wondering, Madonna. Your asking yourself, “What is this handsome guy doing home in bed on a Friday night?”

Well, I tell you what Madonna, my love life is really lacking right now. I'm going through a lean period. There's a scarcity of girls I tell you. Okay, that's probably not really true. The fact is I got dumped last spring and never really recovered from it.  What do girls want, Madonna?  Do they crave adventure and drama?  Do they want an assertive man who takes charge?  Am I too boring and predictable?  Am I too nice?  Am I too needy?  What do women want?  Well, it's not me. I know that much. Okay, I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself and get back out there.

My girlfriend dumped me and then went to prom with one of my classmates. Can you believe that, Madonna? You wouldn't do that, right? Although, I heard you dumped one of your boyfriends when it became apparent you were going to be a huge star. You were going to be something big and he wasn't so you told him goodbye. 

 

I'm sorry, Madonna. I don't even know if that's true. Maybe you just decided your paths were heading in different directions and you didn't want him holding you back. At least you were honest with him and didn't lead him on.

I read an interview where you admitted to being insensitive and self-absorbed at times. But, I think I also read somewhere that your strongest trait was your ambition. Why should any of your goals and dreams be hindered by some guy? I think you even said you wished at times you were a million different people so you could stay with each boyfriend. So, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, Madonna. You probably never hurt any boyfriend intentionally. 

So, why did you marry Sean Penn a few months ago? You've only known him like six months, Madonna. Couldn't you have waited a little longer? Plus, when I think of Sean I think of his surfer character Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Spicoli says things like, “Dude, that's totally awesome!” Ha ha. I know Sean got praised for his performance in Bad Boys but it's hard to picture him as anyone other than Spicoli. Did you really say Sean is the “coolest guy in the universe.” I've read he is short-tempered and wild at times. Perhaps he's kind of a rebel like you. But, he's also committed to his career like you.  Perhaps his ambition inspires and attracts you. Well, I'm sure he's a great guy or you wouldn't have married him. You even got married on your birthday in August.

My birthday is in August too! We're both Leos. What is it with girls being so interested in astrology and horoscopes? I know girls who can tell you everything about the supposed personality characteristics of each zodiac sign. It's fun to read my daily horoscope but I'm not really sure I buy into astrology.

I was raised a Christian. I still go to church almost every Sunday. I'm don't have very strong faith. Sometimes I'm not sure I buy into prayer any more than I do astrology. So, you were raised a Catholic, huh? I even read that as a young girl you considered being a nun one day. Ha ha. I can't imagine you being a nun, Madonna.  A lot of people see you as a brazenly sexual entertainer who enjoys the spotlight.  Actually, I read that even now you would like to be a nun if you hadn't made it as an entertainer.  Very intriguing.  You're an enigma!  

Sometimes I would be at a dance on a Friday night like this. I'm an okay dancer. I'm not great but it's fun to go to the dances. Sometimes it's a live band and sometimes it's a DJ playing. I don't like one better than the other. A lot of guys don't like to dance but a pretty girl can usually persuade them to get on the dance floor especially for a slow dance. We usually have our Homecoming dance at a place called Dreamland. Cool name, huh?

My date for Homecoming this year was kind of a rebel. She's sort of a bad girl. Well, not really. She smokes cigarettes and likes to party. She's even smoked pot I think. But, who am I to jug? And, besides, she's really cute. I'm not sure why she agreed to go to Homecoming with me but we had some fun.

I had to escort one of the Homecoming Queen candidates that night at the game. I dressed up a little bit. I wore a tweed sport coat and a tie. But, I just wore jeans instead of dress pants. My tweed jacket was kind of a light blue which I suppose I shouldn't have worn since it was after Labor Day. Perhaps I should have worn a gray tweed with some black dress pants or maybe even a navy blue suit. What can I say?  Guys don't know that much about fashion including me. 

I dress kind of preppy sometimes with a polo shirt or Oxford button down and boat shoes. But, a lot of times I just wear a t-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. No one at my school stands out too much. We don't have any punks with leather jackets and spiked hair or goths dressed all in black with their hair dyed black.

You have a unique style though, Madonna, with the lace tops and skirts and fingerless gloves and bows in your hair and bracelets and crucifix jewelry. I've heard that a lot of girls want to copy your style. One of the freshman girls dressed like you for Halloween. They made her go home and change her clothes. Ha ha. Just kidding, Madonna.

 

After Halloween we had the Sweetheart Dance in early November. It's kind of like a harvest ball I guess since it's held in the fall after harvest. This year I went stag. I didn't have a date which was a bit depressing. My buddy Brad and I cruised around together for a while before the dance because he didn't have a date either. I drank a little raspberry schnapps mixed with Coke. But, don't tell my mom and dad.

We listened to some cassettes as we drove around. Brad likes hard rock like Kiss and Van Halen. We listened to Def Lepperd too. We didn't listen to any of your music. In fact, I only have one of your cassettes.  It's your debut album - the one simply entitled Madonna.  My older sister gave it to me for my birthday right after it was released.  She knew there was something unique about you.  I don't have Like a Virgin though. Don't be mad. I like your music a lot. I've heard you on the radio a lot. That's why I don't really need the cassette.  Have you ever listened to Casey Kasem's countdown? Coo guy, huh?

I only have a few cassettes. I have AC/DC and the Cars and the Police and Loverboy and ZZ Top. I have some Beatles too. My older sister has an REO Speedwagon record album.  My older sister likes your music.  I think she knew you were going to be big.  She took me with her to see Desperately Seeking Susan.  You were great in that movie, Madonna.

Well, anyway, the Sweetheart Dance was reasonably fun. I found some girls to dance with and made the most of the evening. 

Speaking of dancing, is it true you got a dance scholarship from the University of Michigan? That's what I read somewhere so it must be true. You must be really good to have gotten a scholarship. I wish you could come teach me some dance moves.

But, you left college early and took off to New York. I read that you only had thirty-five dollars and a dream when you got to New York. Did you really eat food out of garbage cans sometimes?  How could you give up a four-year free ride?  I couldn't do it.  You must be really brave. I get homesick just being at wrestling camp for a week. I bet you're really extroverted and outgoing. I wish I could be more like that. I'm introverted and quiet. I'm kind of shy. On the wrestling mat I'm tough. I'll aggressively attack my opponent. But, I feel sick and nervous if I have to give a speech or an oral report in class. And, when I'm on a date I never seem to have anything to talk about. I bet you always have plenty to say. I bet you're a lot of fun to be around. I wish I could be more like you. 

The only thing I'm good at is wrestling. Our season just started a couple weeks ago. Maybe this year I'll finally win a conference title and maybe even qualify for the state tournament.  I'm nervous though.  It's hard cutting weight sometimes.  And, sometimes I feel pressure to win.  I feel pressure to perform up to my potential.  I'm glad I have some talent and drive but then people expect big things.  My parents are really supportive though which is great.  I'm sorry you lost your Mom at a young age, Madonna.  That must have been really hard.  Perhaps losing her contributed to your ambition to achieve success. 

I know you had a small role in the movie Vision Quest. There aren't many movies with wrestlers as the main character. That's why Vision Quest is so cool.  It's a great movie and I'm glad you were part of it.  It may not be the most accurate depiction of high school wrestling but it was enjoyable.  And, I really like your song “Crazy for You” from the soundtrack. 

When I first heard your song “Material Girl” I liked it a lot but I was a bit put off by the lyrics which seemed to suggest you were a gold digger only interested in money. But, in the video it's clear you're a regular girl. You're a strong and independent woman who doesn't need a man's money and you just want a nice guy. I guess the irony of the song was lost on the journalists who gave you the nickname “Material Girl.”  I know for you money is mainly a means to an end. More money means being able to continue making music. More money means being able to help more people. I know what you really care about is creating your art and entertaining people. 

Your video for “Like a Virgin” is kind of strange, Madonna. What's the deal with that lion walking around Venice while your singing and dancing?  Maybe I'm not artistic enough to appreciate the symbolism.  I'm not just "like a virgin."  I am a virgin, Madonna.  My ex-girlfriend and I came close to being intimate at one point but it never happened.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.  Maybe I'll find the right girl one day.

Your music and your videos have really put you in the public eye. You've become a real pop icon. But, some of the drama in your personal life interests people even more. I think you intrigue people. People wonder what you're really like. Are you as wild and rebellious as people imagine you to be? I know you've probably gotten some bad press by idiots suggesting you're a bimbo or an airhead. I know you're not though. 

I've seen you on some magazine covers. I've bought some of them too. I saw you on the cover of People last spring so I bought a copy. I saw you on the cover of SPIN.  You even made the cover of Time.  You've really hit the big time.  I took some of the pictures from the magazines and pinned them to the bulletin board in my room.  I don't have an official poster of you yet though.  I guess I need to buy your newest cassette and a poster in the near future.

Madonna, there's a topic I've been hesitant to bring up. Last summer I saw some nude photos of you in a friend's copy of Playboy. I heard Penthouse had some nude photos as well. I know some people criticized you and said it would end your career. You declared, “I'm not ashamed of anything.” Good for you, Madonna. If you needed to make some money to feed yourself and survive when you first moved to New York by working as a figure model then so be it. A similar incident happened to Marilyn Monroe and she handled it well. Don't let those judgmental people get you down. And, besides, the pictures were tasteful and I think you looked beautiful. 

I know you can't speak to me, Madonna.  But, I have a sense you're trying to tell me something.  You must be here for a reason.  Perhaps as I've been speaking to you I've been speaking to myself as well.  I've made my thoughts concrete and visible.  I'm forced to acknowledge my dreams as well as my fears.  Maybe you're trying to tell me to be more ambitious.  You're telling me to go after what I want.  You're telling me to take some risks even it's scary because taking risks can lead to profound positive results.
Be bold and go for it!  That's what I need to do.

Well, Madonna, I'm getting really tired.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don't imagine I'll be seeing you again.  How often can one expect to have a supernatural experience after all? Thanks for listening, Madonna.

Madonna means “my lady” in Italian. I suppose you knew that. You're Italian after all. You know sometimes the Virgin Mary is referred to as Madonna. I guess that makes your name kind of special. You are special, Madonna. You will always be special and always be relevant. Perhaps you'll win an Academy Award or Golden Globe one day. And, if people aren't already calling you the “Queen of Pop” they will be soon enough.

Take care, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone.

On Boys and Girls, Love and Lust

You say that I'm the boy

Who can make it all come true
Well, I'm tellin' ya that I don't know
If I know what to do

Young Love

My first boy-girl relationship occurred in third grade. Our connection was quite serious.

She would hand me love notes designed to ascertain the depth of my feelings for her.

“Do you like me?” the note would read. I had to circle yes or no. Or, sometimes there were boxes by the yes and no and I had to put an X in the appropriate box.

We bonded over our discussions of Saturday morning cartoons. 

Another young woman captured my fancy as well during those elementary years. She would chase after me during playground games of pom-pom-pullaway. I was fast but she was faster. I could never reach the safety zone on the other side of the playground.

She gave me a tiny clay pot once that she had made and painted.

A friend and I used to hide behind a row of bushes with her and her friend. A lot of kissing took place behind those bushes. 

She eventually moved to another town and began attending a new school. 

 

Serious Middle School Crush

In fifth grade a new girl entered my class but it wasn't until the following year that our relationship began to blossom. In language arts class our desks were in the same module composed of four desks. These work stations were temporary I believe. I sat across from her. She noticed a mistake I made one day on a paper and teased me about it. We laughed together and I felt like our relationship had changed somehow after this incident.

Eventually our seating arrangement was changed but my feelings for her remained strong. She must have figured out I had a crush on her because at some point she started winking at me a few times during every class period. I enjoyed having her flirt with me but wondered if she was just having some fun. One of her friends asked me if I liked Andrea and I said I did. Her friend assured me that Andrea liked me as well. I really wanted to believe it but I had my doubts. Even at that young age I wasn't totally naïve.

There was a young lady in that class who truly did “like” me. So one day in class the object of my affections said to the other young lady, “You can have him. I'm tired of him.” There was no more winking after that. I wasn't too upset because I'd never quite believed she really liked me. But, it still stung a bit to be brushed off so easily. 

I still thought she was cute in high school. But even though I was attracted to her I never gave her too much thought. But, I'd never forget her and all of that winking. There always felt like a genial but slightly odd connection between us. 

Junior High

A cute blond became my girlfriend for a while. She gave me a gold chain as a token of her affection. Eventually she dumped me and asked for the gold chain back. 

I had a crush on and a “relationship” with another new girl during junior high. I was excited that she liked me too. But, the relationship fizzled and I never bought her a Christmas present because I was afraid that whatever I bought her would be stupid or inadequate. Would she enjoy a gift set of assorted lip glosses?

During my eighth grade year, another new girl showed up. She was introduced to the student body during an assembly on the first day of school. The principal introduced Candy and said she was from Arizona. When the young lady stood up, the heavens parted and a light shined down upon her. The cute brunette was tanned from the Arizona sun and smiling brightly. I was smitten.

Her family had purchased a restaurant where students liked to hang out. 

I didn't play football so I had gym class with her every afternoon. We walked outside to play softball and I was trying to walk cool and wishing desperately that I could impress her somehow.

At some point I had a mutual friend ask her if she would “go” with me. She said no. She said she didn't know me well enough. But, after a few weeks she did agree to “go” with me. We were a couple. I was only able to meet her once for a “date” when I stayed overnight with a friend who lived in town. I remember walking to a youth hang-out on a cold winter's night. Soon we were walking hand in hand and I was in heaven. We held hands some more at the youth hang-out.

Her birthday was around Christmas.  So, I bought her two gifts.  I think I gave her a necklace or a bracelet and a bottle of Love's Baby Soft Perfume.

She and her family left town before the end of the school year because of a family member's health. I never saw her again but well into adulthood I still had a picture of her smiling like she had on that first day I'd laid eyes on her.

I put my arm around a girl on a 4-H bus trip to Des Moines, the state capital. As we parted at the end of the day she said that perhaps we'd meet again one day on a 4-H trip to Washington, D.C.  

I never ended up going to Washington, D.C. I'm not sure if she did or not. I continued to see her at the county fair in the following years. One afternoon during the fair we even left the fairgrounds and spent some time together in town.

I called her during my senior year and asked her to if she'd go to prom with me. She didn't say "no" but said she wasn't sure how her boyfriend would feel about that. After high school I never saw her again.

High School

I had the same girlfriend during most of my freshman year. How did we meet? I think we locked eyes at a football game and she held my gaze just long enough to make me wonder if she liked me.

We would meet up at some football games. Sometimes my mom would drop me off in town and I would meet her at the restaurant on the main drag where students liked to hang out. 

I think we kissed for the first time in a park on a cold winter's night. A group of our friends had the brilliant idea to walk several blocks to the city park in the middle of winter.

 

Sometimes we would kiss in a space under a staircase between two buildings downtown. The kids had dubbed this place the MOP (Make Out Place).

We met up once at a Valentine's Day party or perhaps it was a birthday party held at a mutual friend's house. A lot of kissing took place in a dark bedroom as I recall. 

I was a rather quiet boy in high school. She wasn't as quiet as I was and yet conversations were a challenge especially over the telephone. Some of those phone calls were painful, filled with long pauses of uncomfortable silence. 

As I recall I broke up with her over the summer because I thought perhaps I wanted to date other girls. This was not one of the brightest decisions I've made in my life. She really was a very nice girl and today she's as beautiful as ever. 

I met another young woman at an overnight church youth retreat.  She had red hair so let's call her Ginger. I was smitten as soon as she initiated some conversation with me and some friends. I chased her around during some game the chaperones had us play. I made sure to get on the same wagon as her when we went on a hayride. At the campfire she said I should come visit her in her nearby town sometime. On the hayride back I held her hand under a blanket we shared.

Later that evening she and I and some others explored the church. Is it a sin to make out in a church?

I was sixteen when I met Ginger and she ended up being my first true love. We had some sort of connection for the rest of my high school years. She broke up with me a few times only to want me back soon thereafter.

 

We used to make out in my car (or my parents' car) some nights.  When people used to joke about "steaming up the windows" I thought it was just a saying.  But, we really did steam up the windows.  One night we were parked at the fairgrounds and a cop showed up.  Ginger was afraid the cop would know who she was so she hid behind me.  I rolled down my window and the cop asked me for my identification.  Then Ginger finally popped her head up and the cop figured out what was going on.  He didn't care about seeing my I.D. then.  He didn't scold us or laugh.  He just told us nicely to leave the premises.  I think he was relieved to find it was just two teenagers messing around and not some stranger alone in the back seat of a car with steamed up windows.

 

On another evening Ginger was driving so I decided to start putting my mouth on her in some inappropriate places.  She finally pulled off the road into a driveway.  There are a lot of driveways in Iowa that lead into crop fields.  She said something like, "Oh my god!  I've never been so turned on!"  So, you see, woman can really become hot and bothered as the saying goes.  Guess what happened next?  Yep.  A cop showed up.  A highway patrolman wondered why we were sitting there in that driveway.  He wondered if we were okay or if there was some sort of trouble.  "We just stopped to talk," Ginger informed him.  He gave us a skeptical look.  "Honest, officer, we're fine.  We were just talking," Ginger reiterated.  The officer was incredulous but simply told us to move on.

Here's a funny anecdote. One evening Ginger and I were looking through a mail order catalog. We began looking through the women's clothing section and happened upon some pages featuring lingerie. We discussed which lingerie sets looked the most appealing and I pointed out an outfit featuring a lacy bra, panties, garter belt and stockings. She said, “No, that has too many...attachments.”

As our relationship blossomed we became closer and closer. She wore my class ring for a while. We began to talk about being intimate. One night it almost happened. She asked me if I had stopped at the gas station. This was a code of sorts. Sometimes we still called convenience stores gas stations back then. And, at this particular station there was a condom machine in the restroom that we both knew of and had joked about before. The condom machine also sold something called Joy Jelly. I had stopped there with a group of guys on a couple of occasions. You had to ask for a key to use the restroom. So, if you asked for four quarters and a key to the restroom the clerk tried to keep a straight face because she knew why you wanted the quarters. I used to stop at that gas station occasionally back then simply to check my hair one last time before seeing Ginger.  God how I fussed over my hair back then.

 

I was never one of those guys who kept a condom in his wallet so I told Ginger I didn't have protection with me. So, we did not take our relationship to the next level that night. I look back and laugh at myself sometimes. Why didn't I just drive to the gas station that night. It was only a few blocks away. “I'll be back in ten minutes,” I could have said. But, I guess it wasn't meant to happen that night.

Do you want hear a painful story? This very girl attended my junior prom with one of my classmates. 

I was close to a pretty blond for a while too.  It might have worked out well but I was involved with Ginger at the time.  This blond used to invite me over to watch cable TV which was kind of a big deal at the time. 

During my senior year, I attended the homecoming dance with the senior girl voted Best Partier. Why she agreed to go with me I'm not sure. I didn't really know her that well. I thought she was cute. One day she walked through the school lobby and waved at me and smiled. She had acknowledged my existence which I thought was odd. 

Homecoming was fun although it was the only time we went out. 

I knew a girl named Rachel from another school. I would run into her periodically during high school. I met her one night at her friend's house during my senior year. I had to return a jacket I'd borrowed from her. She, her friends, and I drank a little bit of wine and talked. When it was time for me to head home she walked me to my car.

“Can I give you a hug?” she asked.

We hugged and when we loosened our embrace I leaned in slowly and kissed her and she kissed me back.

I thought about asking her to my senior prom but I was afraid she would then ask me to attend her prom which I had no interest in doing. Perhaps I made the wrong decision.

I never saw her after graduating.

Letters and Pictures

Pens are dead. Paper is dead. Handwriting is a relic.

When I was in high school and college there was no email. There was no social media. There wasn't an internet yet as we know it today. People sent actual physical letters to one another. Sometimes it was just a piece of notebook paper placed into a plain white envelope. Sometimes one might use a notepad with different colors of paper for a little pizzazz. Some people even had stationery sets.

There were no phones to snap digital pictures with. If a girl wanted you to have a picture of her she gave you a physical picture you could hold in your hand or put in a box or in a photo album.

One of my high school girlfriends sent me a letter once that read something like the following:

Dear Tharin,

I love you so much. I can't wait to see you at my party.

Tell me you love me and you decide how far we go (bases).

Tell me you can't live without me and I decide how far we go (bases).

See you soon!

Love,

Your Sweetheart

I thought it was funny how she put the word bases in parentheses to make sure I understood what she was talking about.  I remember some guys fretting about how their girlfriends wouldn't let them get to second base.

Other girls sent me letters during my high school and college years as well sometimes writing of love and wanting to see me and sometimes simply telling me what they had been up to lately.  

I met a girl named Mindy at the National FFA Convention. She happened to be from a school near mine but we'd never met before. She gave me a school picture of her she happened to have with her. We exchanged some letters after returning home from the convention and I saw her at an FFA contest. 

I exchanged letters and pictures with a girl named Jill from another nearby school as well. We'd met through 4-H. And, I was a wrestler and she was a wrestling cheerleader so we'd see each other at tournaments sometimes. I'd see her at teen dances sometimes and one night she and some friends and a friend and I all ended up at the drive-in movie theater and piled into one car together. 

I should have asked her out but I guess I was a timid guy sometimes in high school. She was from another school and lived quite a few miles from me although it probably wasn't as great a distance as I imagined. I guess I was overly concerned about the logistics of dating her assuming of course she would have agreed to go out with me.

On the last day of school my freshman year of college, I checked my mailbox one last time and found I had a letter. The letter was from Angie who I'd gotten to know during the school year. I'd had a crush on her all year and thought she was beautiful. Did I ever ask her out? Of course not! But, I guess I made an impression on her because she left me that letter on the last day. I think she just wrote that she'd enjoyed getting to know me and that she hoped I'd have a nice summer. 

I told my roommate and another guy about getting the letter. I think they were impressed and perhaps a bit jealous.

I'm not against technology. I appreciate a nice email or message. Digital pictures are great. I just get nostalgic sometimes for the old days.

Boys Will Be Boys

I was in car with a group of guys headed to the nearby town of Waukon. Andrew wanted to go to some girl's house and see if she happened to be home. Brad was along and was keeping the group laughing as usual. We got to the house and all piled out of the car. Andrew knocked on the door and it was opened by a beautiful woman. The woman was the girl's mother. She informed us that her daughter wasn't home. I think she asked Andrew how he'd been. She then asked us what we were going to do that night. She seemed curious about our plans for the evening and she seemed like a very sweet woman. Did I mention she was beautiful?  So after a few more words we said goodbye and walked to the car. 
 

We got in the car and sat there in silence for a brief moment contemplating the interaction we'd just had. Then Brad broke the silence and expressed what I believe we were all thinking. “Forget the daughter. I'll take the mom!”

Brad was such a funny guy. One night he was talking to Tammy at a party. At some point she asked him a question or said something and sort of tilted her head and looked at him imploringly. I thought to myself, She looks like she wants to be kissed. They weren't a couple and I knew that's not the message she was trying to impart. Nonetheless, Brad reached his hands out as though he was going to caress her face and leaned in slowly as though he was going to kiss her. He then pulled away and began laughing and she laughed and looked at him as if to say, “What a joker!”

One fateful day my younger sister and her best friend were out walking and found a girlie magazine discarded in a ditch. They returned from their walk and informed me of their discovery. I, of course, had to investigate! Well, this was not some innocent pornographic periodical like Playboy with a tasteful centerfold. Oh, no! This was a bit more hardcore and explicit in nature showing couples engaging in some rather risque behavior. Some may have called it smutty.

I left it in the ditch although I returned to the ditch to look at it a few more times. I'm not sure why I didn't simply bring it back to the house and hide it in my room. I guess it seemed a little indecent to be looking at a naughty magazine that had been laying in a ditch. I think I decided this magazine was too dirty (in every sense of the word) to be brought into our home.  

I think I stopped visiting the magazine or perhaps one day it simply wasn't there any longer.

I was on an overnight trip with the wrestling team during my college days and was in a motel room with three other wrestlers. After climbing into bed for the night they decided to tell “war” stories. I don't remember any of their stories so the tales of their sexual exploits must not have been anything too riveting. Nonetheless, I felt a little uncomfortable when they asked for my contribution. I didn't have any tales of sexual escapades to share. After all, I was a guy who could get emotional just holding a girl's hand. 

Nothing too exciting had ever happened in my sex life. No shower sex. No screwing on a washing machine during the spin cycle. No threesomes. No sex in a closet at work. 

However, I did have a conversation with a girl in a closet once. I was at a party at Mark's apartment and some girl and I decided to have a private conversation in a closet just off the kitchen area. Perhaps Mark and Curtis stored food in there. Maybe one might call it a pantry. At any rate, the closet had a light and had room for two people to stand comfortably and chat. 

She was a cute Asian girl although back then we used the term oriental. Or, a lot of guys referred to any Asian woman as Chinese whether she was or not. She told me she had been born in Seoul, South Korea and then adopted by an American couple.

She commented on a gold cross necklace I was wearing and said, “That tells me something about you and your morality. You must be a good person.”

Here we were at a party drinking and my mind probably had naughty thoughts brewing while we were alone in that closet and yet she mentions the cross I just happen to be wearing and its suggestion that I was a good and moral young man. That was kind of amusing.

When we walked out of the closet we got a few bemused looks from the others at the party.

“Tharin, what the hell were you doing in that closet?”

The Vernacular of Love

Love

Lust
Passion
Aroused
Amorous
Frisky
Turned on
Hot and bothered
Horny
Babe
Fox
Hottie
Stud
Womanizer
Ladies man
Player
Casanova
Don Juan
Romeo
Attractive
Pretty
Cute
Handsome
Sexy
Flirting
Hitting on
Making a move on
Come here often?
What's your sign?
Kissing
Touching
Heavy petting

Hooking up

Sex
Screwing
Making love
Couple
Going steady
Soul mate
Engaged
Married

Lines

We'll always have Paris.

You had me at hello.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? 

That she was beautiful. And brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. And the Beatles. And me.

Now, you listen to me! I don't want any plastics, and I don't want any ground floors, and I don't want to get married - ever - to anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

I am awestruck and humbled by your radiance.

Just a lovely, average girl. That's all I want.

Hey, Stella!

Yo, Adrian!

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

College

After completing freshman orientation, I was standing with my roommate at a welcome back dance being held outside one evening on the campus mall. A girl dancing nearby caught my attention and asked me if I wanted to dance. It turned out that MJ lived in the same dorm as I did on the same floor as my older sister. 

MJ seemed to take an instant liking to me. I saw her at a local bar a few days later and she asked me to dance. We danced to “Naughty Naughty” by John Parr. I walked her up to her room one night instead of just parting ways with her in the lobby which she thought was sweet. 

She would stop by my room sometimes and talk to me and my roommate.

One night close to Halloween she was in our room when my roommate and some other guys from the floor were heading out to engage in mischievous behavior. I got up to leave with them and they said, “No, you stay here with MJ.” They winked and wagged their eyebrows insinuating that I would be engaging in my own mischievous behavior with MJ. I protested saying that I wanted to go with them. But, my protestation fell on deaf ears. So, there I was with MJ. 

At some point the lights were turned off and some clothing came off. A somewhat intimate encounter ensued. The lights were turned back on. The hell-raisers returned and MJ went to her room. My roommate said, “I know something happened between you two because she was wearing a brooch before we left but it was gone when we came back and I think she had few buttons on her shirt undone that were fastened before.” I told him that the fact that he knew her jewelry item was called a brooch concerned me.

Soon MJ wanted to talk. “Are we going to be a couple?” she asked.

I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship because I was stressed out and concerned about doing well in college. I also asked her why she was interested in quiet guy like me. She said she liked my personality and demeanor just fine. She was not pleased when she found out we weren't going to be a couple. Nonetheless, she was very mature about the matter and accepted the state of our situation.

What I told her was true but I also didn't feel “fireworks” with MJ and didn't think I ever would. We continued to be friends and if we'd been a couple I think she would have loved me and been devoted to me.

Why is that some of the people who offer us the most love and devotion are the ones we don't feel romantically attracted to? Yes, I let a beautiful and kind woman walk out of my life. Eventually we'd see less and less of one another. I even ran into her at a mall once while with my then girlfriend and MJ smiled and said hello to us and seemed genuinely happy for me.

I danced with a Spanish girl a few times. The beautiful Cristina was one of the few foreign students who chose to go to our little liberal arts college.

I kissed a British girl who was visiting my friend Laura.

Flo was a sexy Asian woman I knew through a mutual friend. I saw her at a club one evening when I was with a couple of guys. At some point she started walking toward our table and I thought, Oh my God! Is she coming over here to ask me to dance?

When she got to our table she smiled at me and then nodded toward my friend Tom and said, “I was wondering if your friend would dance with me.”

F*ck you Tom! You just had to show off your moves while dancing to MC Hammer.

Okay, to be fair, she did dance with me that evening as well. 

My friend Jeff used to talk about “getting some trim” as opposed to “picking up girls.”

One evening I was with the guys at the club and Mark asked, “Okay, what's your favorite body part on a woman?” Mark and some others chose the booty (i.e. butt) while others chose boobs. One guy chose legs which I thought was unique.

What did I choose? I chose the face. Lame answer, huh? This response brought about a somewhat bemused look on Mark's face although he simply said, “Okay, so you like a pretty face.” I noticed a woman's body just like any other guy. I just figured if I didn't find her face appealing I didn't care how great her body was. Sure, I've heard the jokes about putting a bag over her head and how everyone looks the same in the dark but I wasn't that kind of guy. I did know guys like that in high school though. On one occasion some of us were giving a friend a hard time about his girlfriend being kind of plain perhaps even downright unattractive. He simply dismissed our taunts by saying, “She's got huge tits.”

Mark went through a period where he was hot for this nice female athlete named Maggie. We were getting ready to leave the bar one night and Mark decided to buy her one the bar's famous burritos. We walked to her dorm room and her door was open. She was sitting at her desk studying when Mark and I walked in. Mark said, “I got you this.” He then plopped the foil-wrapped burrito down on her desk and we proceeded to walk out without another word. She, of course, chased after us and caught us before we made it to the end of the hall. She wanted to thank Mark I suppose. As far as I know, Mark holds the distinction of being the only friend I've had who tried to woo a woman with a burrito.

One evening after being at the club, the guys and I decided to walk through one of the dorms on the UNI campus. Mark and I took the elevator to some random floor (or perhaps it was an all female floor) and started walking down the hall. We found the door open to a room with some girls present so we simply walked in and introduced ourselves. They didn't seem that surprised to have some strangers walk in. They'd probably been partying as well. 

One of the girls had four watches on one of her wrists. I gently grabbed her hand and extended her arm and said, “Oh my God! Look at all of these watches! Now that's a fashion statement.”

Mark was talking to another girl at the time.

There was a pause in the conversation at some point and the girls sort of huddled together to speak in hushed tones. Then the watch girl said, “You're cute, kid. Come see me sometime.”

I could have sworn she was talking to Mark. I was a bit disappointed since I was the one who had made such a big deal about her watches. Mark decided it was time to go so we said our goodbyes and walked out. When we got into the hall Mark said, “Did you hear what that girl said to you?”

“I thought she was talking to you!” I said.

“No, man. She was talking to you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

So, I walked back to the room and knocked on the door. The watch girl opened the door.

“When you said 'You're cute kid' were you talking to me or my friend?” I asked. She smiled and closed the door in my face.

I was a bit confused and knocked on the door again which I later found out Mark thought was really amusing. She opened the door again and this time handed me a piece of paper with her name and number on it. “We have a lot of parties here so give me a call sometime,” she said.

I rejoined Mark and he said, “See, I told you.”

I went out with a rich girl named Victoria for a while. Her father was a doctor and her mother owned a boutique. Victoria had attended a private prep school in a large Midwestern city.  I think she came to Iowa mainly to put some distance between her and her parents. She hated being labeled as rich even though she obviously was.  She liked Anais Anais perfume although she was willing to wear Liz Claiborne perfume as well.  She had some expensive Laura Ashley dresses.  She wore skirts every day when I first met her because she was used to wearing a uniform at prep school.  She finally started wearing some Guess jeans occasionally.  Her family belonged to a country club where they dined often.  She informed me that her family vacationed twice a year.  One vacation was educational and one was for fun.  They had a condo on Sanibel Island.

 

But they weren't rich!

 

We'd met at a party and she was taken with me. I guess she was happy to find a cute and kind guy. She called me "compassionate" a few times which was nice.  She told me that she'd shared things with me she'd never shared with anyone before.  It feels pretty amazing to have someone put that kind of trust in you.

She was kind of bold and adventurous.  She was the first woman I ever went ALL THE WAY with.  She was the most uninhibited female I'd ever been with up to that point in my life.  I'm not talking about chains and whips or anything of that nature.  But, she showed me some things.

Her parents made her break up with me when we returned from Christmas break. I was of low status. We were not of equal rank. You would have thought her father was a duke or baron the way her parents carried on.

Victoria said we could still go out but she had to see other people. We could no longer be an exclusive couple. At first I told her to forget it because that was high school shit. Later I relented. I should have stayed firm. No one wants to see the one they love dating other people. No one wants to go from being in an intimate relationship to simply being friends who occasionally go out. It just doesn't work. Yes, I know some people do break up and remain friends. I don't get that.  

It's always easy to say “let's be friends” when you're the one doing the dumping.

When other girls showed interest in me, Victoria lost her resolve and decided to defy her parents. We got back together for a while. Then she had to leave school before the end of the year because of certain circumstances I won't go into. 

We stayed in touch over the phone and through letters. She was planning to visit but never did. Her parents, of course, would never allow that. I knew I wouldn't see her over the summer or possibly ever again.. So, I ended things. 

I really didn't think I'd see her again. I never expected her to return to Iowa. But, when students were moving in the following fall I ran into her father. He was civil even friendly and we talked briefly. I saw Victoria later in the day when I was visiting a female friend living on the same floor. 

Guess who knocked on my door later that night?

We never got back together although she had a habit of showing up at my door often after leaving the local bar. We had an odd relationship for a while. We'd get together to talk or she'd spend the night with me but it was always on her terms. She still wanted me but I think she felt like I'd abandoned her the previous year and wouldn't let herself get too close to me. But, she couldn't quite let me go either. Eventually I graduated and never saw her again.

Any time I see a movie that involves people from “different sides of the tracks” like Pretty and Pink I think of her.

I had connections with many other girls in college as well. I even came close to having a one night stand with a girl I met at a party but I'd had too much to drink.

Shakespeare wrote something along these lines.

Lust it turns on but also turns off. What I mean is, drinking stimulates desire but hinders performance. Therefore, too much drink is like a con artist when it comes to your sex drive. It sets you up for a fall. It gets you up but it keeps you from getting off. It persuades you and discourages you. It gives you an erection but doesn’t let you keep it, if you see what I’m saying. It makes you dream about erotic experiences, but then it leaves you asleep and needing to pee.

Adulthood

When I entered the real world after college things didn't go so well.  Those first few post- college years had a lot of ups and downs and none of them were between the sheets with a woman if you know what I mean.

I only recall going on one date and it didn't go too well.  It wasn't terrible but it was obvious there were no "sparks" between us.

I was depressed and then I was diagnosed with an eating disorder.  I lost a lot of weight.  I lost my libido.  I didn't have much interest in females or in life in general. 

I was hospitalized a couple of times.  During my second hospitalization I met a woman from Kansas who actually made me feel something.  She had her birthday while we were in the hospital and I gave her a bracelet.

She eventually went back to Kansas.

I ended up being attracted to a few other woman I met while in treatment.

I ended up starting a new life in a new city.

Then I met Kari.

Did I merely meet her by chance? Or, was it fate? Or, was a higher power involved?  What about serendipity?

I met her while we were both volunteering at the hospital. We both were trying to recover from eating disorders. 

She suggested having coffee together.  I think she talked for an hour while telling me her story.  We seemed to have an instant bond.  Does that sound like a cliché?

It wasn't long before I told her I had feelings that went beyond friendship.  She was wise and suggested taking things slowly.

The first time we went to a movie she asked me if I wanted to share a large popcorn. I looked at her in horror and she laughed. She was, of course, joking. 

We went to a lot of movies.  We went to Panera a lot but we'd only eat turkey sandwiches.  Sometimes we'd eat fat-free frozen yogurt and walk around the mall or sit on a bench and talk.

We played Skee-Ball once and I used our prize tickets to get her a ring.  She happily wore the cheap ring until it fell apart.

We grew close over time.  We talked of marriage sometimes. 

Then things happened as they often do in life.

I blew it as I often do.  Some of what happened was beyond my control.

Maybe I'll see her again one day.  If not, I wish her the best.

I fell in love with another woman with an eating disorder later on.  She had a cute dimple on her right cheek.  She was dubious when I told her I loved her.  We played cards a lot and had good conversations. She gave me a novel as a present which was sweet. I don't think a girl had ever given me a book before. We shared some intimacy on a blanket by a gazebo one warm summer night. Then she had to return to her home and get on with her life. I asked her if we could be together if I came with her. She said yes but she that she knew it wasn't going to happen. She had to follow her path and I had to follow mine.

She is still beautiful and stayed healthy enough to have a baby. She seems to really enjoy being a mommy. Sometimes I wonder why she was attracted to me.

Of course on the many days when I'm feeling down and old and only a shadow of that confident and handsome man I once was, I find it hard to believe any woman has ever wanted me.

Mon Amour

What is a Soul Mate? 

If you have found a smile

that is the sweetest one you've known,
If you have heard, within a voice,
the echoes of your own,
If you have felt a touch
that stirs the longings of your heart,
And still can feel that closeness
in the moments you're apart,
If you have filled with wonder
at the way two lives can blend
To weave a perfect pattern
that is seamless, end to end,
If you believe some things in life
are simply meant to be,
Then you have found your soul mate,
your heart's own destiny.

- Emily Matthews

Awakening

That morning whisper

A gentle kiss
A suspended moment
Of perfect bliss

That precious feeling

As eyes first meet
Bodies entwined
In sleepy heat

Fingers touching

Breath as one
Hearts in rhythm
We greet the sun

Content, in truth

Just to be
Simply enjoying
You and me

- Jamie Vogel

Present Day 

Even though I have no significant other in my life right now, I still find myself having crushes on various woman even some I've met online but never in person. I develop crushes on coworkers and woman I've met in treatment. When my cute coworker holds her hand up for a spontaneous high-five and our fingers are intertwined for a brief moment afterward and she smiles at me it makes me happy. Or, when she leaves me a note and I feel special. The woman who cuts my hair and hums along to the songs on the radio is sweet. Some women I know only online seem intelligent and fascinating and funny. They seem to have a genuine interest in my life and my well being. Can I really know someone just from some pictures and from seeing the way they communicate online? I think I can sometimes. Maybe I'll meet them one day.

Au Revoir, Mon Amour

I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, wait for it, give it some time