Somewhere in General Hospital: C54

When I was discharged from the inpatient eating disorders unit in December of '97, I was escorted by a nurse to the extreme north end of the hospital to an area called Boyd Tower. I was going to be boarding there while attending a day treatment program in the Psychiatric Partial Hospital (PPH). The Partial Hospitalization Program was housed in an area on the 5th floor of the old General Hospital. 

Don't let the name Boyd Tower fool you. The name might conjure up images of a fancy place with upscale apartments. But Boyd Tower was originally known as the North Tower addition and had been built in front of the old gothic looking General Hospital. So, my room in Boyd Tower was simply an old hospital room. I liked it though. I had everything I needed. I had a bed, nightstand, shower, and even a TV. I had a roommate but sometimes we kept the curtain drawn between us for a bit of privacy. My room was on 5 Boyd Tower (5BT). So, to attend Partial Hospital each day I only had to walk down a couple of hallways seeing as Partial was also on the 5th floor in the General Hospital. 

Boyd Tower was built in such a way that one can still see the facade (front) of the old General Hospital when inside Boyd. I found it intriguing to see the old facade when passing from Boyd into the General Hospital. The gothic tower entrance was preserved. 

Years later, when I had to return to Partial Hospital again, the dietitian told us that a dragon could be found in the hospital, and she could prove it. I'm not sure how the dragon discussion came up, but we set out to see this dragon. She escorted our group up to 7BT and we did indeed see a dragon built into the facade of the old hospital. I have since wondered what the dragon represents. Surely the dragon is symbolic, perhaps representing wisdom, knowledge, strength, supernatural power, and protection. 

* * *

While living on Boyd I had a lot more freedom than I did living on a locked psychiatric unit. I could come and go as I pleased. I don't recall having a curfew although I assume a staff of some sort was around. On the weekends I received a voucher for each meal which I could use at the cafeteria located on the first floor which I believe was in the General Hospital near Elevator C. The Fountain Lobby next to the cafeteria was still the main entrance at the time and the Volunteer Gift Shop was tucked away in one corner. 

Interestingly, my eating disorder recovery journey began in General Hospital. When I arrived, they didn't have a bed available on the eating disorders unit, so I was placed in the Medical Psychiatry (Med/Psych) Unit on 4th floor (4SE) in General Hospital. Eventually, the Med/Psych Unit was moved so it was closer to the psychiatric units in the new part of the hospital. I think I only spent one evening on Med/Psych before being taken to 2JPE in the new part of the hospital. So, I was basically about as far from the eating disorders unit as I could have been. On the day I was transferred someone pushed me in a wheelchair from one end of the hospital to the other. I wasn't allowed to walk. 

I believe the eating disorders unit located on 2JPE was only three years old when I arrived. That is to say the Pavillion containing 2JPE was only three years old. The rooms were nice. The so-called dayroom was nice even with its vinyl/Naugahyde furniture. Everything was carpeted except the bathrooms and the dining room. The unit didn't feel as antiquated, grim, clinical, cold, and sterile as 4SE. 

* * *

My first roommate in Boyd Tower was also attending Partial. But he was on the so-called mood track while I was on the EDO track. I think there was also a track for individuals with neurological disorders. I believe that all three groups sometimes met together for group therapy. 

My roommate was a bit of a Lothario. He was a womanizer. He asked me which girl I liked best from Partial. I think I might have said Lisa because she was petite at only 5 feet tall. I think he mentioned a girl named Diane who liked to work out. He also flirted a bit with Stephanie in the lunch line one day who had gotten her hair cut. 

"Doesn't Stephanie look nice with her new hairdo?" he asked in her presence. 

"Yes, she looks very nice," I agreed.

I overheard Stephanie tell another girl in Partial that she was attracted to him, but she had a boyfriend. 

A girl from the mood track paid our room in Boyd a visit one evening after dinner. She came to see my roommate. I was half asleep in my bed and she slipped behind the drawn curtain to talk to him. 

While in my drowsy state, I became aware of some hushed tones and commotion on the other side of the curtain. Even in my somnolent state, I realized they were having sex. I felt too tired to get up and leave the room. And I figured they'd made the decision to fornicate with only a curtain separating us and I had no obligation to leave. So, I remained.

"Well, wow. I've never had this happen before," I heard him remark regarding having just had sex in a hospital room with a young woman he barely knew. 

He must have asked her if she climaxed because I heard her say, "No, I never do."

And then she was gone. I didn't look at her and pretended to still be asleep. I don't think he and I discussed the episode either. Another evening, Diane was sitting in our room talking to my roommate. Yes, Diane his dream girl. I left the room and went down to the gift shop for a bit. When I returned, she was gone. I don't think they had sex. She had a boyfriend. Plus, she didn't seem like a girl who would "get it on" in a hospital room. I don't recall if Stephanie ever paid us a visit. 

* * *

Ryan, my roommate from 2JPE was with us in Partial. He was living in a residential care facility while going to Partial which was tough for a teenager. He was hot for a teenage girl named Rachel from Montana who had also transitioned to Partial with us. They had a scheme/plan to find where the official green scrubs worn by doctors were stored and steal some as a souvenir. I don't recall if that ever happened. I nicked a couple pairs of light blue hospital pajama bottoms to bring home with me. 

Ryan began attending high school in Iowa even though he was from Idaho. He made some friends and even a girlfriend. He planned an outing to a school sporting event with this girl and some friends one evening. The therapists were concerned about his plan to go out and be responsible for his own meal that evening. The group was planning on going to Burger King. The therapists finally acquiesced. I think the evening went okay and he reported that he tried to be "normal" and eat a burger and fries like any average teen might do. 

* * *

At some point after the holiday season, the people boarding on Boyd Tower were moved to a unit just down the hall in the General Hospital called C54. The moniker C54 sounds like the provisional name of a newly discovered planet not yet given a proper name. Or perhaps C54 sounds like the designation given to some void or wastelands or other uninhabited area. Stay out of zone C54! I have a theory that C stands for centrally located and 54 merely indicates that it's located on the fifth floor. 

I think 5BT was being converted into a chemical dependency treatment area. I was a bit upset having to leave Boyd. But C54 was fine.  The rooms seemed a bit older. A staff member was always around at the nurses' station. I remember a male nurse or aide who wore glasses who seemed nice. I was sick one weekend and he noticed I hadn't been using my meal vouchers. He scolded me for not eating and said I should at least have a can of 7-Up or something. 

What if something paranormal had happened? After all I was moving to a ward in the old General Hospital which had a gothic tower at its entrance. You've heard of gothic literature, right?

When I walk onto C54 I feel an eerie chill. I feel a draft of air though I'm not near an open window. The lights flicker. Suddenly C54 is transformed into an open ward filled with beds side by side along both walls. Nurses in white dresses, shoes, and caps are attending to the patients. Is that woman wearing a pinafore? What is she doing? A doctor in a white coat seems to look knowingly in my direction but then returns his attention to a patient. No one seems to notice me. Lightning illuminates the world outside the windows of the ward electrifying the night as thunder cracks. A nurse tries to calm a distressed patient. An apparition appears at the end of the ward. Is she an angel? She walks slowly toward me. I try to scream but can make no sound. 

Then my vision vanished as someone calling to me snapped me back to reality.

"Can I help you?

"Oh, uh, yes. I was told to pack my belongings and report to the nurses' station here. I'm from 5 Boyd Tower."

But, no, nothing like that ever happened.

I also recall a female nurse on C54 who was nice. In my memory she is auburn-haired and kind with a bit of a Southern accent. I don't suppose she actually had an accent but that's how I remember it for some reason. 

I remember her coming into our room one evening and checking on me which I thought was sweet. Did she sit on the edge of my bed, or do I just like to remember it that way? I recall being attracted to her and forgive me dear reader, wishing she would slip into bed next to me. 

I was nearing the end of my journey when I got to C54. I would be discharged in early February. But I didn't feel well at all. I had gained a lot of weight. That was the point I suppose. I had been emaciated and on the brink of death when I'd arrived. But now I was fat, depressed, and my stomach still bothered me. Why had I come here if I felt just as bad or maybe even worse than when I'd arrived? I was angry with the so-called treatment team. I hated them. Yes, I thought about suicide a lot in that room on C54 just before being discharged. Strange, huh? 

* * * 

I walked the halls a lot during the evenings and weekends while boarding in the hospital. I could walk from Boyd or C54 on the North all the way over to newest addition to the hospital. It felt strange walking the empty halls of a big hospital feeling like I should be living in my apartment and working like a normal person. I was scared. What was going to become of me? Would I return home? Would I ever get through all of this? What did my future hold?

During my second major hospitalization in '05, 5BT had become home to the Partial Program. The place where I boarded long ago was now Partial. The EDO group had to walk south all the way over to the Occupational Therapy (OT) kitchen twice a week, one day to cook our own breakfast and another day to prepare a group lunch. We also walked to the Activities Therapy gymnasium and to aquatic therapy on the lower level in the Rehabilitation Therapies area. Did you know hospitals could have a small gymnasium? The wading pool for aquatics had water that was quite warm and felt good. Also, the treatment team believed that learning to be comfortable around others in a swimsuit was beneficial for body image issues. 

I could no longer board in the hospital in '05, so I had to stay in a motel off campus. When that arrangement proved insufficient, I ended up living in the same residential care facility Ryan had years before. 

Upon discharge from Partial I chose to stay living in the city near the hospitals and clinics. I even volunteered in the Patients' Library at the hospital and made several deliveries and pickups in various parts of the hospital. I got to know the layout of the hospital even better than I already had. 

* * *

The old gothic tower never scared me. It was kind of eerie the first time I noticed it when passing from Boyd into the General Hospital. I realized that the red brick and limestone I was looking at was the facade, the entrance, of the old hospital. I'd discovered old ruins! I'd discovered a medieval castle! I'd discovered a lost city. I'd discovered the Hanging Gardens of Babylon! I'd discovered the Great Temple at Abu Simbel. You get the idea.

I tried to imagine when Boyd didn't exist, and the new additions didn't exist. I tried to imagine when the General Hospital was cutting edge in its day and a preeminent teaching hospital. 

I noticed windows on the old facade that I assumed at one time were functional but now seemed to have a wall of black behind them. These windows that seemed to show no interior and no light beyond them were eerie. Windows that lead to nowhere. It's possible that these windows had always been false or blank windows. I don't know much about architecture. At any rate, the windows on the old facade were interesting. 

Was this old facade telling me that in my healing journey I was going to see no light of hope? Were these old windows a visual metaphor that I was going to have a tough time transitioning into a new life after treatment? Windows can represent hope and possibility. But what if the windows seem to lead to nowhere? Perhaps these blocked portals were telling me to forget past struggles and traumas and to embrace a new vibrant and healthy life. Perhaps these seemingly blocked windows were symbols of security and safety, acting as protective barriers between a painful past and a new healthy beginning. 

Here's what an AI program generated for me:

Gothic architecture, with its soaring spires and intricate details, serves as a metaphor for healing by symbolizing aspiration and transcendence; just as the great cathedrals draw the eye upward, representing a quest for spiritual elevation and renewal, so too does the journey of healing invite individuals to rise above their pain, seeking restoration and a sense of purpose. The interplay of shadow and light within these structures mirrors the complex layers of healing, where moments of darkness often highlight the eventual emergence into clarity and hope, creating a sanctuary for reflection and rebirth.

* * *

The General Hospital fascinated me more so than the new hospital additions. One of the amenities available in GH was a beauty salon located on the fourth floor. Guess what it was called? Yes! The Fourth Floor Salon! I don't recall ever being in the salon although a stylist did come to the psychiatric unit one day to give me a haircut. Yes, I tipped her. The first floor of General Hospital offered another amenity called the Meditation Room. I would call it a chapel, but I guess that would be politically incorrect. The Meditation Room offers people a quiet place to reflect, and I assume to pray if one so chooses. 

During Partial I ate three times a day in the Fountain Dining Room on first floor General Hospital. Back then it was a simple cafeteria with a few options. One evening I recall having ham loaf with mashed potatoes AND a side of french fries. Now the dining room has stations including a grill, deli, hot daily specials like chicken strips and mashed potatoes and gravy, soups, salads, and desserts. Plus, you can find pizza and sushi every day. 

* * *

On first floor in a hallway in General Hospital near the cafeteria one can find a diagram of a compass inlayed into the wooden floor. I can't recall if a compass is on every level of GH, but I believe so. Follow the compass north from that spot on Level 1 and soon you'll reach Boyd Tower. Head south to reach the new parts of the hospital. 

I suppose this is the part of the essay in which I make some compass metaphor about how I was lost and trying to find my way to a healthy, happy life.

Here's something that I had an AI program generate for me:

Navigating the Storm: Life is a vast ocean, and when storm clouds of doubt gather, let your compass be the values you hold dear. These guiding stars will steer you towards the calm waters of understanding and self-acceptance.

Nice, huh?

AI generated this as well:

The Detour: Sometimes, healing takes us on unexpected detours. A good map shows alternate routes, and in life, these detours can offer unexpected lessons and discoveries. Embracing the journey—even when it strays from the original path—can ultimately lead us to a more profound understanding of ourselves.

The hospital was more a part of my life than I wish it had been. But I lived to tell my story.

Dear reader, I'll leave you with some more AI generated thoughts:

Healing in a hospital with both old and new sections present a contrast in atmosphere and experience. The old section may exude a sense of history, potentially fostering nostalgia and familiarity for long-time patients, but might also be associated with outdated facilities and limited resources that could hinder recovery. In contrast, the new section likely boasts modern design, advanced technology, and comfortable amenities, contributing to a more calming and efficient healing environment. This juxtaposition highlights the evolution of healthcare practices, where innovative spaces aim to enhance patient experience and outcomes, while the older section may still evoke traditional care approaches that some may find comforting.

The Wrestling Schedule

At the beginning of my last high school wrestling season, each wrestler on the team received a cardboard poster with the season's wrestling schedule printed on it, furnished by Pepsi. 

I tacked the schedule onto the wooden door at the doorway between our kitchen and dining room. The door was almost always in the open position. I feel a bit silly about hanging the schedule on the door now. Perhaps my mother didn't want some silly sports schedule hanging on her door, especially during the holiday season. But no one told me to remove it and hang it elsewhere so that's where it stayed all season. 

I would come home from meets and tournaments and record in the margin how I had done. Sometimes I recorded the score or my placing. 

Unfortunately, I don't have the poster any longer. I have found some similar sports schedules provided by Pepsi from around that same time period that look quite similar to what I remember. The posters are sometimes marked showing wins and losses. So, at least I know the posters really existed and I didn't just imagine them.

I do have a small schedule of that wrestling season. And I know how I fared at each competition. Nonetheless, I tried to recreate the poster for the fun of it. It's interesting looking at it now.

* * *

I hadn't remembered that twice that season the opposing team had no one for me to wrestle and I received a bye. I placed third in my first two tournaments which doesn't seem so bad now. However, at the time I felt as though I was getting off to a rather middling start to my season. In fact, I was even pinned by a good wrestler at the South Winneshiek Tournament. At the Starmont Invitational I'd lost a close match in the second round to someone I was capable of beating. That same Waukon wrestler beat me again in a close match a couple weeks later.

I wrestled better in our second meeting. I scored a takedown early in the match. I even had to drag him from the edge of the mat to keep him from going out of bounds before securing my two-point takedown. But, of course, I gave up an escape and a takedown and lost the match by a point. At least that's the way I remember it. I was embarrassed. I was a senior and should have been beating this guy. I hadn't won a match against Waukon ever in high school, although I did wrestle a Waukon opponent to a 2-2 tie in a dual meet the year before. 

* * *

I finally won the Central Invitational after Christmas break. I even pinned my opponent in the finals! I was elated. I was so happy to finally win a tournament that season and with a commanding performance. But my coach wasn't impressed. When he held a team meeting at the beginning of Monday's practice, he said I still wasn't being aggressive enough. 

Two days prior to the Central tournament, when wrestling a Central wrestler at a home dual meet, I felt like I was going through the motions. Even our announcer, who was also a teacher, mentioned that I didn't quite seem myself that night. I don't believe he used the words lethargic or languid, but he noticed my lack of drive and passion that night. I had to agree with him.

The Decorah meet left me a bit disillusioned. I got beat by a freshman! I seem to recall him throwing me to my back twice. Each big move earned him five points in an instant. I had to really scrap to get my nine points. I think I had him on his back a couple of times. But it wasn't enough as I lost 10-9. As I left the mat my coach said something like, "You worked your ass off and still got beat by a point!" He seemed more disgusted or confused than angry. 

One of my teammates seemed particularly upset with my performance even though he himself would get pinned that night. I wonder if he had a personal beef with the kid I wrestled. Before my match, he kept telling me I was going to kick my opponent's ass. As I was struggling in my match, he was yelling more than our coach. I was a bit upset with him actually. I wanted to tell him (perhaps even the entire team), "Don't get in my f*cking face before a match! Don't try to predict how I'm going to do in a match! Don't place your expectations on me! This is my f*cking match! Leave the match and the wrestling to me!"  

I found an old newspaper clipping. Reading the article was a bit painful. The opposing team fully expected me to win that night. The opposing coaches were simply hoping their guy wouldn't get pinned. They figured if I simply won a 3-point decision that was a win for them. The article mentioned their freshman earning an upset victory over a senior. The opposing coach even thought my loss was a big turning point for them. 

"That was the turning point right there," said Decorah's coach. "The wind really left their (Postville's) sails. I could see it."

Well, maybe he was right. Six of my teammates got pinned following my match. That's right. The other team scored six pins in a row and two more victories after my loss. We didn't win match all night. We received 12 points because of two forfeits. But we lost the meet in a resounding 49-12 shellacking. Still, I think it's a bit much to blame it all on me. Perhaps I should be flattered that the opposing coach thought so highly of me. 

I met the guy who had beaten me one evening in Decorah after the season was over. He was a nice guy. He wasn't cocky. Defeating me might have been the highlight of his high school wrestling career. At any rate, he said he'd never been that calm and focused before a match before. I guess I brought out the best in him that night. 

I came home that evening and ate a snack. I didn't eat out of sadness or anger. I was upset tough. I began to wonder about my rigid dieting. Maybe I needed to ease up a bit on my strictness. How could I let myself walk right into a throw twice? I knew I needed to get my shit together if I was going to achieve my lofty goals this season, mainly winning a conference title and qualifying for the state tournament. But things would get worse before they got better. 

* * *

The night of the North dual I didn't want to be there. The dual was a home meet, but I still didn't want to be there. It was a cold January winter night, and I'd rather have been some normal guy just sitting at home watching television. How can you win a match when you have no desire to even be in the building let alone competing on the mat? Well, I learned that you can't.

When my opponent and I first tied up, things were going okay. He doesn't feel that strong. I can handle this guy. I can beat this guy.

I believe that sometime in the third (last) period, when I was wrestling in the bottom position, my opponent caught me in some move. I was suddenly imprisoned in an awkward position from which I couldn't escape. I just didn't have the strength, physically or mentally, to free myself. The referee blew his whistle and slapped the mat signaling the pin. I had just gotten pinned! I had just gotten pinned in front of the home crowd, in front of my parents, in my own f*cking school gymnasium! 

A pin, or fall, is a victory condition in various forms of wrestling that is met by holding an opponent's shoulders or shoulder blades on the wrestling mat for a prescribed period of time.

A pin, or fall, is when you put your opponent on his back with any part of both shoulders or both shoulder blades of your opponent in contact with the mat for two seconds. When you pin your opponent, the match is over, and you are the winner.

I got pinned!

I got stuck!

My opponent won the match by fall. Did you enjoy the view of the lights on the ceiling while you were stuck on your back? 

If an old newspaper article I found is accurate, I was pinned at the 5:20 mark. A high school match is 6 minutes. I don't know if I was winning or losing at that point. I suppose I would have given up 3 back points and lost regardless. But if I'd held on for 40 seconds at least I wouldn't have been pinned. 

I didn't have the heart to write "pin" on the cardboard poster when I got home that night. It was too painful. I simply wrote "lost" and left it at that. My parents didn't say a word, thank God. Christ, I was embarrassed. In fact, I felt ashamed. I'd been pinned twice before in high school. I was pinned at a big JV tournament during my freshman year when I was asked to wrestle up a weight. And I'd been pinned earlier that year at South Winneshiek against a guy who became a very good wrestler indeed. In fact, he was a three-time state place winner in high school and a two-time NCAA Division III champion in college. But how the hell could I explain getting pinned like I just did? 

Maybe I should have written "PINNED" on the poster as a reminder to get my shit together. 

* * *

Arnold Schwarzenegger faced criticism for his underdeveloped calves early in his bodybuilding career, prompting him to publicly address the issue by training them intensely.

Instead of hiding his calves, he chose to confront the issue head-on. He cut off the bottoms of his training pants, making his calves visible to everyone, and publicly stated that he would train them intensely until they resembled "huge boulders". 

Arnold was very determined to transform his calves, to the point of cutting off all his training pants. The embarrassment he was suffering every day gave him a lot of motivation and a sense of urgency to fire up his calf training.

Would the embarrassing defeat I'd just suffered on the wrestling mat fire me up?

* * * 

A week later I did have a big win. At least it appears on paper to be a big win. I won 10-2. But it didn't seem like a big win at the time. It's clear that my opponent scored two points. Do you know how he scored two points? He took me down almost immediately after the whistle started the match. What the hell is wrong with me? Then I went on a rampage and didn't give up another point and even scored ten of my own. 

The biggest test was yet to come.

* * *

At the conference tournament I was seeded second since the wrestler from North had pinned me. I walked up to the bracket sheets hanging on the gymnasium wall just in time to hear someone from North comment on the 112 lb. class. "Oh, we got this weight. He already pinned that guy from Postville."

I smiled at their cockiness. So, you think it's as simple as all that, huh? Well, you got another thing coming!

I knew something they didn't. I knew something no one else seemed to know. I knew I'd simply had an off night two weeks ago. I knew I could beat this guy. But I had to get past the kid from West Central again first. That's the match that had me freaking out. Sure, I dominated him before. But what if something went wrong?

The semi-final match against West Central went fine. In fact, I achieved something called a technical fall. I got ahead of my opponent by 15 points, and they stopped the match. Even during the match, I began to feel so confident I winked at one of my school's cheerleaders. 

I felt no pressure going into the finals. I knew I wasn't going to get pinned again. I knew if I wrestled my best I could win. I did just that. If old newspaper articles are accurate, I defeated him 9-3. I heard through the grapevine that even the opposing coach was impressed by my performance. 

At Monday's team meeting, my coach even praised me. He said, "If you keep wrestling like you did on Saturday, no one can stop you."

After I left the locker room one evening during the week of the Sectional tournament, I walked back to the locker room door for some reason. I overheard a teammate and my coach talking about me. 

My teammate said, "The last two years he seemed to fizzle out toward the end of the season. But this year he seems to be getting stronger."

I smiled and walked away quietly somehow knowing he was right in his assessment.

* * *

I went on to win the sectional and district titles as well. By winning the district title, I qualified for the state tournament. I looked into the stands after winning the in the finals and gave my parents a thumbs up. At least that's how I remember it. 

I didn't run and jump into my coach's arms. I simply walked to the edge of the mat, shook his hand, and said, "Finally." 

I think he knew what I meant by that one word. He'd seen all of my ups and downs. He'd seen me triumph. He'd seen me utterly defeated. I come close to my goals the two previous years and now I'd gotten the job done. Sure, I was happy. But I was also relieved. I'd finally proved I could dominate when it really mattered. I hadn't fizzled out this year. 

My dad couldn't wait for me to come into the stands. He came to the locker room to congratulate me. 

When my mother got home from the district tournament she called my buddy Chris's mom. 

"Do you remember that little boy you used to drive to pee wee wrestling tournaments? Well, he just made it to state!"

I received a lot of cards from people congratulating me on my successful season and for being a state qualifier.

The night before I left for the state tournament, I got a call from a beautiful blond girl from the junior class with whom I had some romantic history. She had seen me in victory and defeat. She'd seen me struggle to make weight. She'd seen me running along the road on summer nights to work on my physical conditioning while other kids were going to movies. She was happy to see me reach my goals. She wished me luck at state. 

Before she hung up, she told me she loved me dearly and that I was the most amazing guy she'd ever known (Just kidding. She really did call me but this part about her loving me is hyperbole. I'm the author so I get to tell the narrative the way I want. I like this version. This is my truth! Ha!).

* * *

I know what you want to know. How did I do at state? I lost first round 5-2 and that was that. I did score a 2-point reversal doing a cool move called a standing switch. But I just couldn't handle my opponent. I was disappointed but not devastated. The guy who defeated me in that first round placed 4th. So, at least I can say I didn't beat by some second-rate adversary. 

But my goal had always been merely to get to state. I'd never allowed my vision to be any loftier than that. I'd never been confident enough in my abilities to envision being on the awards podium at the state tournament. I thought qualifying for state was a big deal. I've learned that some people aren't impressed if one doesn't actually place. 

When I spoke to my freshman college roommate, who was also from small town Iowa, over the phone that summer we talked briefly about sports. He was a basketball player. I mentioned wrestling.

"So, were you good?" he asked.

"I did all right," I replied.

"Did you make it to state?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered.

"Oh, you're good!" he said.

See, he understood.

Cliques: A Mosaic

I first heard the word clique in high school. I found the word strange and disagreeable to my ear perhaps because I could only imagine its homophone click. I'd heard phrases like social circle or peer group, but the word clique was new to me. I think a fellow class member was going to write a paper or give a speech discussing these so-called cliques or exclusive circles of persons. 

I think it's fitting that I first encountered the word in high school where cliques seem to abound. Elementary school had a different vibe. The complexities of peer groups seemed a bit simpler. A lot of us had best friends in elementary. We slept overnight at friends' houses. Perhaps we had a group we played with during recess. We identified with our class and our teacher. Life seemed fairly egalitarian. A lot of birthday parties seemed rather inclusive, for instance. 

High school was different. We sometimes drifted away from old friends. We participated in different sports and other extracurricular activities. Some of us were acquainted with upper classman who had cars. Soon we were driving cars ourselves. And dating members of the opposite sex changed the structure of teen life. 

* * *

When we were still youngsters, I can recall my older sister asking, "Would you rather be the most popular student in your class or the best athlete?" Perhaps she mentioned physical appearance as well. I think she speculated that an individual being the best athlete may also be the most popular simply as a matter of course. I wasn't so sure about that.

* * *

My younger sister and I used to play games some of which involved role playing. One of us would wrap ourselves in an afghan or knitted throw blanket of some sort and pretend it was a fur coat. The other person would then start mocking them. "Hey, richie! Nice fur coat, richie! You think your hot stuff, huh?" I guess we'd already decided that rich, snobby people deserved ridicule. 

* * *

My buddy Chris came to school one day in fourth or fifth grade talking about the rival gangs portrayed in the film West Side Story. He seemed quite excited about the Jets and the Sharks. I think he had a much older brother who was a schoolteacher and had access to such films. I doubt Chris thought much about the rival gangs' ethnic backgrounds The Sharks being recent migrants from Puerto Rico perhaps found life to be a bit tougher than their rivals the Jets. 

My buddy and I also saw the film Grease together. This film also featured two rival gangs, the T-Birds greaser gang and the Scorpions. But we're also introduced to a so-called jock named Tom and greaser girl clique the Pink Ladies consisting of Frenchy, Marty, Jan and leader Rizzo. The new student, Australian Sandy Olsson, is a bit too wholesome and chaste in the eyes the Pink Ladies. Will our greaser hero Danny Zuko end up with Sandy? Of course! The film's finale brings love and surprises. At a carnival, Danny and Sandy each find they have changed for each other: Danny has become a letterman, and Sandy a greaser girl.

I think my buddy's mom bought him a black t-shirt so he could dress like a T-Bird. 

"From the start of the film, the dashing protagonists Danny Zuko and Kenicke Murdoch spend most of the film clad in black or white t-shirts, blue jeans or black cigarette pants, and, of course, their leather jackets emblazoned with the T-Bird insignia. This simple combination of timeless pieces is foolproof. The look, which served the traditional purpose of a uniform—to signify the group's place in society—has evolved to serve its other purpose, a reliable outfit pairing to always fall back on."

* * *

Many of us individuals in the Generation X demographic cohort read S.E. Hinton's coming-of-age novel The Outsiders while in grade school. The book details the conflict between two rival gangs divided by their socioeconomic status: the working-class Greasers and the upper-middle-class Socs (Socials).

"It’s okay. We aren’t in the same class. Just don’t forget that some of us watch the sunset too."

Ponyboy speaks these words to Cherry Valance in Chapter 3 after he, Two-Bit, and Johnny spend time with Cherry and Marcia at the drive-in. Ponyboy points out that the sunset closes the gap between the greasers and Socs. He realizes that, even though the two groups have unequal lifestyles, attitudes, and financial situations, they nevertheless live in the same world, beneath the same sun. 

"It seemed funny to me that the sunset she saw from her patio and, the one I saw from the back steps was the same one. Maybe the two different worlds we lived in weren't so different. We saw the same sunset."

* * *

I started dating a beautiful redhead during my sophomore year of high school. She mentioned a group she referred to as the "super popular" kids at her school. I liked that. I thought I knew what she meant. I never felt like I was part of the popular group at school, but I never felt unpopular or excluded by my peers either. I think perhaps she felt the same. I like how she invented a term of her own for the upper echelon of the teen hierarchy. 

She had been overweight in her younger days. She had lost weight and become slim just before beginning her freshman year. She enjoyed having the other girls suddenly concerned about their boyfriends' level of attentiveness when she was around. 

She found she was able to climb the social ladder while in high school while some of her longstanding friends could not. I think some feelings got hurt along the way. She admitted she liked the attention of the cool set and being noticed. I imagine it was an exciting but strange time for her. After all, she was still the same person, right? 

* * *

Our school didn't seem to have a lot of distinct groups. We all lived in the same rural community. Whether one lived on a farm or in a small town didn't make too much difference. 

High school has some natural divisions by its very nature because of the various clubs, organizations, and extracurricular activities available. I felt a comradery with other wrestling team members, for instance. 

My peers might have been involved in any number of activities and groups:

Athletes 

Cheerleaders 

FHA (Future Homemakers of America)

FFA (Future Farmers of America)

SES (Students for Educational Service)

Peer Helpers

Student Council 

School marching, concert, and jazz band

Chorus

Speech groups

Annual Staff 

4-H

Church youth groups

* * * 

The film Revenge of the Nerds came out in 1984. Was that word already in our vocabulary before that? I don't know. A film called Preppies was also released in 1984. 

Preppy fashion went mainstream and became quite common during my high school years perhaps due in part to the publication of The Official Preppy Handbook in 1980. A lot of us were wearing so-called boat shoes even though we'd never set foot on a sailboat. We liked our polo shirts and our oxford cloth button-down shirts. 

We had no punks or goths that I can recall. We had no greasers although a few individuals wore leather jackets. We did have some cowboys with their woven nylon belts fitted with giant belt buckles perhaps adorned with a stallion or a piece of stunning turquoise. Yes, I had a pair of turquoise-colored cowboy boots. But I wore boat shoes and polo shirts much more often. 

I wore an argyle sweater vest one day and someone told me I looked like Alex P. Keaton from Family Ties. I took it as a compliment.

I had a Members Only jacket. That's not entirely true. Like many other teenage boys, I had a knockoff that looked like a Members Only jacket. My girlfriend liked it, so I guess its counterfeit status didn't matter. I liked my Tropix t-shirt with wind surfers on the front even though I lived in the Midwest. My mother sewed an off-white blazer for me. I wore it with the sleeves rolled or pushed up because I wanted to look cool. 

Maybe some of my classmates had a "uniform" and an identity to which they were committed. Good for them. I always seemed to be trying to find my look.

A couple of hair stylists visited a Home Economics class I was taking as a junior. The female asked us what we thought was in fashion right then. Answers included polo and oxford shirts, high-top basketball shoes worn with the laces untied, Army fatigue pants, and bi-level haircuts. Yes, I had a pair of Army green pants as a freshman. Mom to the rescue again. She found them in a local menswear shop. They looked nice paired with a blue polo shirt. If I could have found a camouflage pair, I suppose I would have worn them too. 

What about the influence of music and pop culture? What about Madonna?

"She continues to reign as an icon of pop culture, constantly adapting her style to the ever-changing Zeitgeist. By the end of the decade, teenagehood continued to fragment, as hard rockers, mods, preps, and other teen cliques emerged with their own fashion, music, and lifestyles. This fragmentation became the defining feature of pop culture generally, spreading teen lifestyles to the culture at large. It is no exaggeration to claim that the foundation of our current economy is largely implanted in the terrain of teenagehood. Pop culture and teen culture have become virtual synonyms."

"The Punk category of the 1980s in Belten began as a group, and rose to cultural prominence as other groups and individuals adopted its style. In contrast, a small group of low visibility in Belten, who referred to themselves as "Cowboys" because of their involvement with horses, came and went in the school unnoticed by the school society. A small group of girls in a California high school, referring to themselves as "Duranies," remain a clique united by their devotion to the rock group Duran-Duran. The Cowboys and the Duranies failed to become categories by virtue of their specificity. The very localized and limited interests that set these groups apart did not represent important cultural issues that could be generalized to the rest of their age group." 

* * *

I suppose I was a bit of a letter jacket snob. I believed these jackets were meant for those who lettered in sports. I didn't care if someone lettered in band. Why do band members get pigeonholed as being nerds? Actually, the Student Body President during my freshman year was a senior boy who was fashionable and handsome, excelled in sports, and happened to play the tuba. No, you can't have a letter jacket for getting good grades! We already have the Honor Role. 

To my dismay, I've come to believe that letter jackets were never much of a status symbol. No one really cared. 

The National Honor Society (NHS) held an annual banquet during which it inducted new members. This really infuriated some students so much so that they had a F*ck NHS Party on the same evening. Actually, the official name of the party was even more vile, so I won't repeat it here. How dare the academically gifted have a private banquet! Revenge of the nerds?

* * *

As a junior, I dated a preacher's daughter for a while. She was intelligent and excelled in speech and drama. I was a wrestler with a 2.5 GPA. I was quiet and hopeless when it came to conversation. I always wondered why she was attracted to me. Oh, wait! I guess it was my striking good looks and my stunning, muscular body. Ha! Oh, calm down. I'm just joking. God! 

She wasn't a killjoy or a prude. She wasn't particularly pious and certainly not sanctimonious. She was simply a kind, ethical person. She wasn't a rebel trying to dismiss the virtuous stereotype people might have of a preacher's kid. She was just your basic teenager.

She hadn't always attended our school. She had moved around a bit before her father took a position at the church I attended. I asked her about making friends at a new school and fitting in. She said she was happy with her friends and her school activities. She wasn't striving to be accepted by the popular kids. I'm not sure she even viewed the world through that sort of lens. She had friends she enjoyed spending time with and who she held dear to her heart. What else was there to be concerned about?

I suppose I thought about image and popularity a lot more than she did. I actually did date some attractive, popular girls at our school and other schools. How did I pull that off? I don't know. 

Occasionally, I would find myself hanging out with some popular guys. I can recall being in a car with some of the most popular guys in my class and probably finding it a bit surreal, wondering how this came to be. 

I have to admit I was a fanboy of some guys at our school. If they talked to me or gave me a ride in their car it felt good. I saw others experience the same thing at times. They thought they had reached the top. But an outsider could tell they still didn't really fit in and their situation hadn't really changed. Some people had some definite ideas about their status. One of my classmates was stunned and disappointed when she wasn't chosen as a Homecoming Queen candidate. I think her reaction went beyond dismay. I think she was truly baffled. 

I was chosen to be a Homecoming escort during my senior year. At the time, I thought this was remarkable. Cleary, I was popular to receive such an honor. On the other hand, perhaps it was deemed more practical to have me and a couple of other boys be escorts because some of the more popular boys were football players and couldn't be inconvenienced with the duties of being an escort. I know. I sound like sour grapes. I did enjoy being an escort and the girl I escorted became Queen! And during my four years of high school, I was never once chosen to be a Sweetheart candidate. Striving to be popular leads to disappointment. 

* * *

When I was dating the preacher's daughter, we saw the film The Breakfast Club. Five teenagers spend a Saturday in the school library for detention. 

"The film tells the story of five teenagers from different high school cliques who serve a Saturday detention overseen by their authoritarian vice principal. On Saturday, March 24, 1984, five students at Shermer High School in Shermer, Illinois, report for an all-day detention: socially awkward Brian Johnson, jock Andrew Clark, shy loner Allison Reynolds, popular girl Claire Standish, and rebellious delinquent John Bender."

My date liked this movie. She enjoyed hearing each character's story and how each came to be in detention that day. 

Dear Mr. Vernon,

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong, but we think you’re crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us — in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club

Well, we couldn't all be as popular as Ferris Bueller.

"Oh, well he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."

Another film I saw was High School USA. 

Set in a Midwestern high school, the film follows J.J. Manners, a spirited student who competes with the affluent and popular Beau Middleton for the affection of Beth Franklin. Amidst typical teenage antics, the rivalry culminates in a climactic race. In the film we see several clearly delineated cliques - the preps, the nerds, greasers, and intellectuals. 

I recently watched The Night Before from 1988.

"She's not a hooker in the first place!"

"She's not?"

"No! She's a cheerleader. And the junior class treasurer. And a member of the Young Republicans."

* * *

College wasn't much different. I suppose if was different in the sense that we were all striving to get a degree and most of us lived in the dorms. Students were more concerned with careers and even marriage than petty concerns about cliques or popularity. But I did go out with a rich girl for a while who was forced to dump me because I was a farm boy. Farm boy? Egad!

The real world is different to some extent although I'm sure some people strive to belong to particular country clubs or Mommy groups or what have you.

"The ones who were fresh from work were wearing these very boxy Brooks Brothers suits and red ties. That just kills me, the phony goddamn Red Tie of Wall Street. The women wore these long, shapeless dresses, or else they wore jeans and shirts that were fun. Everything was fun. “Isn’t this a fun place, Charles?” “Yes, it’s good, optimum, marvelous fun.” It was cliquey as hell, too. The arty types hung around in a corner and smoked Shermans; the athletic, health minded bastards stayed near the bar, talking about their injuries. There were even college cliques: the Yalies were all prim and proper, standing at attention in a horseshoe around the piano, belting out these very corny Cole Porter tunes, while the Dartmouth girls hung out at the bar, arm wrestling for beers. The whole lousy Yuppie world is like one giant prep school, I swear. Know why? Because they want it that way."

Wrestling Tournament Triptych

1.

My first wrestling competition was the Annual Decorah Jaycees Wrestling Tournament held at the Luther College Field House on a Saturday in March during my fifth-grade year of elementary school. My friend Chris's mom drove us to the tournament. I was nervous but my buddy Chris made sure I checked in at the right mat when the competition began. Neither of us had much experience although I believe he'd already competed in the MFL Bullpup Wrestling Tournament. I didn't do too well that day and placed fifth earning myself a green ribbon. Still, the fact that I'd won a match was remarkable considering my lack of wrestling skill at that point. 

For the next few years, I would wrestle at the Jaycee tournament and participate in the Bullpup tourney as well. I always wanted to win a medal or trophy but that seldom happened. Did it ever happen? Although a bit discouraged, I never gave up. Somehow, I sensed I would get better if I just stuck with it. 

At that first Jaycee tournament I wrestled in a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers. I didn't have the right gear yet like a singlet and wrestling shoes. When I joined the junior high wrestling squad my parents bought me some proper wrestling shoes and a singlet. I finally looked like the real deal. And my skills had improved a lot by my eighth-grade season. 

2.

During my freshman year of high school, the starting 98 pounder broke his collarbone. As the junior varsity 98 pounder I stepped into the varsity spot. I wrestled 98 pounds in all of the dual meets that season. But another upper classman cut down to 98 for all of the weekend tournaments which was frustrating because I longed to wrestle in a tournament. 

I did move up to 105 to wrestle in a JV tournament that season. I didn't do too well. The competition was tough. And I suppose I cite wrestling up a weight as a contributing factor in my subpar performance that day.

To my surprise and delight, I did wrestle in the 98-pound varsity spot in the conference tournament. I'm not sure how that came to be considering I hadn't wrestled in any other weekend varsity tournaments. At any rate, I had a decent day that left my coaches and me satisfied. I lost my second match in overtime but won my next match to secure third place. I found myself on the awards podium holding a third-place medal. I was happy for myself of course but also proud I'd helped the team. 

3.

I was confident of my chances for winning the conference tournament during my senior season. This may have seemed a strange notion to some considering my opponent in the finals had pinned me in a meet two weeks prior. I wasn't nervous though going into the finals. What did I have to lose? I liked being the underdog. My coach told me I was going to win before I stepped onto the mat. I wonder if he really believed that or was simply trying to boost my confidence and show his support? I believed I could win. Even though my opponent had pinned me two weeks prior I knew I could win. I knew I'd just had an off night two weeks ago but no one else seemed to know that. The fact that a lot of people thought I'd lose actually helped me. I was feeling no pressure. I had no big expectations to live up to. 

Did I win? Yes! I beat him 9-5 and stunned a few people in the process. I wasn't surprised by my victory. Take that, naysayers! Our assistant coach at the time had old connections to the opposing wrestler's high school. He let me know later that even the opposing coach was impressed by my performance. 

I went on to win the sectional and district tournaments that season which qualified me to wrestle in the state tournament. I'd done well and come a long way from that kid who was just worried about finding the right mat at his first competition. 

Person and Society

During my freshman year of college I took a class called Person and Society. Most students called it P and S or more often P 'n' S. Person and Society was one of three foundation classes every student was required to take. My roommate had taken it during first term while I had taken another foundation course called Human Expression. He suggested we trade books for second semester. So, I said goodbye to Sophocles, Plato, Dante, Goethe, and Machiavelli and hello to The Person and Society Reader. 

So, what was Person and Society supposed to teach me? The reader contained pieces from the field of psychology and sociology. But the anthology also had readings on racism, sexism, politics, the legal system, and economics. 

At any rate, some may suggest the course was basically about the wide range of concepts and concerns that tend to captivate social scientists. 

Social science can be defined as a group of academic disciplines dedicated to examining human behavior and specifically how people interact with each other, behave, develop as a culture, and influence the world. 

In the preface to the reader the professors who compiled it tried to make clear what students were hopefully going to learn.

From the reader:

"But this is not to say the articles appearing herein are merely randomly selected specimens of social scientists' work. On the contrary, they are all linked, in one way or another, to the notion of power, a concept that is central to and provides many points of contact between all of the social science disciplines. Learning something about power, then, is what the substance of Person and Society is all about. But beyond questions of content, Person and Society is fundamentally concerned with questions of process: How can we and do we know? How do we learn? These are the questions which we hope to raise and begin to address, in part, through the thoughts of those authors whose work appears in this volume."

Power is a universal phenomenon that is reflected in virtually all forms of human interaction. Power is intimately related to many other key concepts and ideas in the social sciences—personality, behavior, aggression, role, class, mobility, wealth, income distribution, markets, culture, ideology, change, authority, oligarchy, and the elite. Power is also a universal instrument in approaching the various crises that afflict human beings and their societies—racism, sexism, poverty, violence, crime, urban decay, and international conflict.

I seem to recall being placed in discussion groups. Then each group would share their thoughts with the entire class. The professor would, of course, offer her thoughts on any given topic. 

Our professor, Doris, made it clear she was a feminist and that she was opinionated. However, she made it clear she did not hate men. She was divorced but not averse to a new relationship even though she was in her sixties. 

"If you know of any eligible men, please let me know!" she joked.

* * *

One topic that our reader explored was authoritarianism. Faced with fear or hard times many people may be agreeable to a strong leader. They may even seek out churches that traditionally are more authoritarian and that hold up a God who is in control of all things. 

Stephen M. Sales explored the idea that individuals are more likely to join authoritarian churches during times of perceived economic threat, suggesting that when people feel economically insecure, they may be drawn to religious groups with strict structures and strong leadership.    

Research suggests that individuals seem to elect presidents who radiate strength and energy by wide margins during years of perceived high threat such as an economic recession.

Psychology professor Stephen Sales said, "When people are scared, the fascism-prone among them will respond exactly the way those good Germans did when they embraced the Nazi party.

The Germans were scared by the political rioting of the Weimar Republic period, the violence in the streets, the political rhetoric, the harrowing monetary inflation, and the onset of the Great Depression."

The average citizen, it appears, may become less concerned with the morality of the strongman’s actions, many of which are clearly inhumane, and more concerned with a personal sense of safety and stability, even if it is illusory.

Even comic books characters seem to be affected.

In the work of Sales (1972), one common finding was the increase in popularity of “powerful” fictional protagonists during times of threat. Sales found that comic strips originating during the high threat 1930s were more likely to feature tough heroes (e.g., Dick Tracy, The Lone Ranger) whereas comic strips in the low threat 1920s featured characters who were not as tough (e.g., Betty Boop). 

Also, individuals can even become more superstitious. During times of threat, articles and books pertaining to astrology, for example, seem to become more numerous and popular. Interest in astrology goes up as times become scarier.

Surrender to authoritarian control is often the mark of uncertainty and insecurity. Stephen M. Sales tells us that psychoanalysts have long maintained that threat evokes a characteristic pattern of defenses. When we are afraid, they say, we turn to strong leaders who can protect us. We become intolerant of outgroups and of those who differ from us. We admire power and those who wield power, we come to despise weakness and ambiguity, and we become superstitious. In short, we become authoritarian.

Were people feeling insecure, uncertain, and threatened when Donald Trump was elected in 2016? Was Trump's candidacy a clarion call to Americans disposed to authoritarianism?

We read other articles concerning authoritarianism. Clinical psychologist David Mark Mantell compared Green Berets and draft resisters to discover who had more authoritarian parents. The Green Berets had the parents who were more authoritarian.

He didn't suggest that we didn't need soldiers, but he did comment on the role of parenting. 

"As this study has shown, however, there exists a strong correlation between the degree to which children have been exposed to arbitrary authority, physical abuse, and intimidation, and their later readiness to submit to these practices and make use of them. The child "properly reared" in the authoritarian tradition learns to conform at home, to accept and bow to arbitrary and demeaning authority, to be beaten and intimidated, and to justify these conditions as the norms of social reality."

In closing he added, "People like the Green Berets may be necessary in potential soldiers if the United States is to survive as a world power. For the United States to survive as an idea, we will need people like the war resisters. We can hope to nurture such men."

Our class also read about the work of Dr. Martin Seligman and a phenomenon known as learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is a laboratory state in which animals or humans, subjected to some inescapable trauma, finally give up trying altogether. Depression, like learned helplessness, can be the result of coming to believe that one's own actions just don't matter.

As a freshman in college, I felt very insecure and uncertain. I felt a sense of dread. I was going to fail or somehow things just weren't going to work out. I wouldn't go so far as to say I felt helpless. But I did have a desire to feel more in control of things. This feeling that I lacked personal control in my life didn't have me searching for someone to tell me what to do. But I did feel a need to have more order in my life.

Our class also read about the work of Julian B. Rotter concerning the construct of locus of control. Locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to external forces (beyond their influence), have control over the outcome of events in their lives. 

I found ways to feel better in college. I escaped to areas of the library that allowed the introvert in me to feel less overwhelmed. I scheduled my days including study time to bring a sense of order to my world. I didn't join a church, but I found myself feeling better after reading books like The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. This book was somewhat spiritual in nature incorporating practices of prayer, meditation, and affirmations.

* * *

Another topic in our reader was androgyny. We read about the work of Sandra Bem. In an article she stated, "As many feminists have argued, freeing people from rigid sex roles and allowing them to be androgynous (from "andro", male and "gyne", female), should make them more flexible in meeting new situations, and less restricted in what they can do and how they can express themselves."

Doris was on board with this. She actually felt sorry for males who felt they always had to be tough and always be the breadwinner. She was concerned that too many men feeling the need to play the masculine role were having heart attacks. 

Doris didn't believe in toys being categorized for boys and girls. If a girl wanted to play with a football or a boy a stroller that was fine by her. She was a bit upset that some men had started migrating into traditionally held female fields like secretarial work. It was bad enough that women already had fewer options and made less than men. They didn't need to infiltrate the conventional careers of women as well. 

We never talked about transgender people that I recall. Terms like crossdresser, transvestite, and transexual would be considered offensive today though I heard such terms back then. We certainly didn't talk about preferred pronouns or transgender people in sports.

We didn't speak much about the gay community. I don't seem to recall acronyms like LGBT being in use. I don't recall talking about the Stonewall Riots in New York City in 1969 though that would have been interesting. Doris had a theory that people were homophobic because they imagined that gay people were having sex ALL THE TIME. 

Later in college, I would take a course called Changing Roles and Human Sexuality. One day our class was able to ask questions of three gay men who were visiting. I asked a question that embarrasses me now.

"There are places that have high concentrations of Mormons like Utah. Do you wish some sort of utopia existed where there were only gay people?"

"Would you like to be all alone?" one panelist snapped.

My professor tried to diffuse the situation by mentioning that I was alone by virtue of the fact that I was the only male taking that class that term.

A friendly panelist laughed a bit and suggested there were already places like that. I believe he may have mentioned West Hollywood.

The third panelist said what I already knew I suppose. He suggested that gay and lesbian individuals wanted to be part of society and simply wanted to be treated with respect and dignity and have equality. He said it wasn't desirable or feasible to be cut off from the rest of society. 

So, it wasn't a great question, but it got people talking. 

The thought of us discussing androgyny seems quaint now. A class like Person and Society would have so much more to discuss in today's world. Can an individual assigned male at birth truly be a woman? Does a designation like nonbinary make sense? Are acronyms like LGBTQIA+ useful and important or confusing and silly? Should marriage only exist between a man and a woman?

I suppose androgyny is still an important concept. Maybe we don't need tough guys and macho men. And yet back in the 1980s some people actually saw an androgynous individual like recording artist Boy George as a threat. And Annie Lennox with her closely cropped hair and wearing a man's business suit was striking. When I was doing some student observing in an elementary classroom for a few weeks I was asked to by the school principal to remove my earring. He said I needed to be a good role model. I didn't make a fuss and point out that the female teachers wore earrings. I just removed the earring. Would that still happen today?

Is the blending of masculine and feminine traits desirable and healthy? 

Sandra Bem suggested, "I have come to believe that we need a new standard of psychological health for the sexes, one that removes the burden of stereotype and allows people to feel free to express the best traits of men and women."

* * *

The second section of our reader concerned social stratification in regard to wealth, income, race, and gender. 

"Yes, women do work, but they work in dead-end, low-status jobs, not in careers."

"If we truly believe that every young person should be free to pursue whatever vocation he or she desires; if we really believe that the counselor's function is to help the young person to make an informed choice from among a wide panorama of possibilities, then we must once again come face to face with the fact that our society's sex-role ideology has already drastically reduced the number of alternatives that the female adolescent is psychologically prepared to consider." -Sandra Bem 

Doris was fine with a female choosing to be a homemaker IF that was her choice. But, of course, she believed women could do most anything and deserved equal pay. 

But the father-dominated authority structure, with its traditional duties and rigid gender roles, is changing. The family is becoming an institution in which both husband and wife seek individual happiness rather than the perpetuation of the species and economic efficiency. Many women still choose to seek fulfillment in marriage and child rearing rather than in outside employment; others decide to do this temporarily. The important point is that now this is a choice and not a cultural requirement.

She cared about us men though too. She didn't think men should always feel that pressure to be the sole breadwinner. Some young men in class disagreed with her. 

"Well, I hope you don't work yourself into a heart attack," she warned. 

I wonder if we read Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique.

Years later TIME magazine's 1998 cover "Is Feminism Dead?" featured an image of Ally McBeal from the TV show Ally McBeal to suggest that feminism was in decline.

We read the work of Maggie Scarf who declared that women experienced more depression. We discussed it in our groups and most of us weren't quite buying it. Doris didn't really care whether Maggie Scarf was correct or not. The most important thing was that we recognized that women often find their sense of worth in loving relationships with others. 

"From infancy to adulthood, women are taught to be more dependent on others than men. They have a greater need for approval from others, and a greater fear of rejection or loss of love. 

Women tend to base their self-concepts not so much upon what they think about themselves as upon what others think of them. Their self-esteem tends to result from external evaluations and not their own internal judgements.

Women, then, are not encouraged to develop independent self-concepts. More than is the case with men, their moods and opinions of themselves depend upon the moods and reactions of those around them."

Well, here I am in the new millennium. Females I knew in college are lawyers, doctors, business owners, and school principals. Most of them also got married and had kids. Most of them seem happy. Maybe things did improve for women to some degree. On the other hand, maybe most of these women still did the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing. Superwoman Syndrome!

Roe v. Wade was overturned, and some suggest the blame is on Donald Trump who was recently reelected President. 

Sophie Gilbert writing for The Atlantic wrote, "For Trump, eliminating the constitutional right to an abortion was apparently only the beginning. Bolstered by that definitive Supreme Court win and flanked by a hateful entourage intent on imposing its archaic vision of gender politics on the nation, the Trump-Vance ticket seemed to outright reject ideas of women’s autonomy and equality."

I suppose in a social sciences class like P&S in this day we might discuss the #MeToo Movement and perhaps the 4B Movement and women going on sex strikes. 4B or "Four Nos" is a radical feminist movement that originated in South Korea. The name refers to its defining four tenets which all start with the Korean-language term bi, roughly meaning "no". Its proponents do not date men, marry men, have sex with men, or have children with men.

Not to be outdone, men have their own movements.

Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) is an anti-feminist, misogynistic, mostly online community that espouses male separatism from what they see as a gynocentric society that has been corrupted by feminism. MGTOW specifically advocate for men to avoid marriage and committed romantic relationships with women.

I guess nobody wants to date, marry, or have sex these days.

I take that back.

The "tradwife" movement is a subculture that promotes traditional gender roles and a lifestyle that evokes the 1950s.

The term "tradwife" refers to women who trade feminism and gender equality for a more traditional role. Tradwives value traditional gender roles and promote submission to their husbands. They often showcase their idyllic, domesticated lives on social media. 

* * *

I was moved by a tract in our reader by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. entitled "Letter from Birmingham Jail." 

I guess it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say "wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick, brutalize, and even kill your black brothers and sisters with impunity; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she cannot go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her little eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see the depressing clouds of inferiority begin to form in her little mental sky, and see her begin to distort her little personality by unconsciously developing a bitterness toward white people...

During my junior year of college, I spent a fair amount of time hanging out with a young black man from Chicago. He had decided to spend the school year living with a white college friend of mine. They were best friends. So, the young black man became my friend that year as well. I didn't think too much about it. We were all young men who liked to drink a few beers, dance at the clubs, and pursue the opposite sex. Race was never really brought up. They did mention the Cabrini-Green housing project in Chicago a couple of times and made it sound like a place I wouldn't want to visit. 

African American students didn't exist in vast numbers on our little campus. Two young black men roomed together on my floor during my freshman year. Everyone seemed to like them.

A girl I met my freshman year was mistaken as mixed-race or African American and befriended by some black girls. They were surprised when they saw her white parents during a visit. My friend wasn't sure how to feel. She hoped they liked her for her personal qualities and not just because they thought she was black. 

I realize now that a girl I was quite attracted to in college was mixed-race. She could "pass" as the saying goes. I'm sure her father was on campus sometime and I just never happened to see him. Maybe others knew she was mixed. I wonder what she would have to say about her college experience. 

My girlfriend in college was Asian although that term wasn't in use yet. She referred to herself as oriental. One evening we went to see the movie Mississippi Burning. Based on a true story, the film tells the story of how the FBI investigated the disappearance of three Civil Rights workers in 1964.

She was quite upset to hear character Clayton Townley say, "We do not accept Turks, Mongols, Tartars, Orientals nor Negroes because we're here to protect Anglo-Saxon democracy and the American way."

For a different class I interviewed a young Indian man named Akshay. I asked if he'd experienced any racism. He replied that more than anything he felt ignored. He didn't experience overt racism but felt invisible on campus. I hadn't realized that ostracism could be so painful. But we all have a psychological need to belong. If someone senses he is being ignored and excluded he may begin to question his worth. Fortunately, I'm fairly certain Akshay went on to have a rewarding and meaningful life. 

I don't recall talking much about race and racism in Person and Society. I'm sure we must have talked about stereotypes and prejudice. Doris said the only time she had a racist thought was when a black man cut her off in traffic one day. 

Some would say things haven't improved much. Too many young black men have been killed by police officers and others. We could discuss Oscar Grant, Trayvon Martin, and George Floyd. We could discuss the founding of Black Lives Matter. Even the Rodney King incident and the subsequent riots happened after I graduated from college. I don't even recall discussing the Watts Riots of 1965 in our class. 

I don't recall a debate about Affirmative Action either. 

Would we have to discuss Critical Race Theory and institutional racism if the class were still being taught today? True or false? Racism is "systemic" and "structural."

* * * 

Our reader had articles on poverty. Some studies suggested that many people blamed the poor themselves for their place in society. Not everyone, of course, felt that way. 

"Like it is in the Alley" written by Robert Coles was very enlightening about life in ghettos or slums in big cities. 

It might have been interesting if we'd discussed the funding for the exploration of space.

"Whitey on the Moon" refers to a poem by Gil Scott-Heron criticizing the Apollo moon landing, arguing that the money spent on space exploration should have been used to address social issues on Earth, like poverty, rather than sending "whitey" to the moon; essentially saying that space exploration is not worth it when basic needs are not met for many people on Earth. 

Here's a bit:

A rat done bit my sister Nell

With whitey on the moon

Her face and arms began to swell

And whitey's on the moon

I can't pay no doctor bills

But whitey's on the moon

Ten years from now I'll be payin' still

While whitey's on the moon

I seem to recall discussing welfare. We might have even discussed President Reagan's speeches concerning the so-called Welfare Queen and whether that was accurate or not. Some students supported welfare citing it as a crucial "safety net" for those in need. I suppose others weren't so sure although I don't think anyone advocated Social Darwinism or "survival of the fittest."

Losing Ground: American Social Policy, 1950–1980 is a 1984 book about the effectiveness of welfare state policies in the United States between 1950 and 1980 by the political scientist Charles Murray. Both its policy proposals and its methodology have attracted significant controversy.

Murray's main thesis is that social welfare programs, as they have historically been implemented in the United States, tend to increase poverty rather than decrease it because they create incentives rewarding short-sighted behavior not conducive to escaping poverty in the long term.

Of course, several people disagreed with him. I don't believe we read this book although it seems it would have made for a good discussion. 

President Ronald Reagan had things to say about welfare even when Governor of California. 

"Welfare is another of our major problems. We are a humane and generous people and we accept without reservation our obligation to help the aged, disabled and those unfortunates who, through no fault of their own, must depend on their fellow man. But we are not going to perpetuate poverty by substituting a permanent dole for a paycheck. There is no humanity or charity in destroying self-reliance, dignity and self-respect – the very substance of moral fiber."

I was so ignorant even as a college student that I was never quite sure exactly what welfare was other than the government somehow helping those in need. I realize now that perhaps the program most familiar to people would have been AFDC (Aid to Families with Dependent Children).

Perhaps we could have watched the film Claudine (1974). 

Because of the way AFDC worked back then, there were certain rules regarding having a man in woman's life. Claudine gets caught with a male in her house by the social worker one day and loses her temper regarding the rules.

"I have to hide my man in the toilet. Miss Kabak, do you hide your man in the toilet?"

Under the man-in-the-house rule, a child who otherwise qualified for welfare benefits was denied those benefits if the child's mother was living with, or having relations with, any single or married able-bodied male. The man was considered a substitute father, even if the man was not supporting the child.

The "man-in-the-house" rule was struck down in 1968 by the Supreme Court in King v. Smith. Thereafter, families with males in the household were eligible for benefits if they were not deemed to be actual or substitute parents, although any financial contribution on the part of the male to the family was still considered a part of the family's total income.

My family had a neighbor and fellow church member who referred to a certain back street in the small town where the church was located as "welfare row" which didn't sit too well with some people. 

I became well-versed in welfare programs myself later in life. I used food stamps for a while and then stopped because I was too embarrassed and was always afraid someone might confront and berate me. I've had both housing and heating assistance at times. 

My thoughts on welfare are complicated I suppose. Most programs are means-tested. In other words, it's unlikely anyone is getting rich from welfare. 

I recently watched a film called Dead End starring Humphrey Bogart.

In the slums of New York, on the East River just below the Queensboro Bridge, wealthy people live in opulent and luxurious apartments because of the picturesque views of the river, while the destitute and poor live nearby in crowded, cockroach-infested tenements.

Social stratification is an interesting topic. My college girlfriend's parents demanded she end our relationship because I was just a farm boy. I told Doris about it. She was a bit surprised. I guess she'd spent so much time focusing on racism and sexism she hadn't thought that much about classism and class stratification. 

* * *

What about power and collective choice?

We read "The Relation Between Economic Freedom and Political Freedom" by Milton Friedman. 

Nobel Prize-winning economist Milton Friedman believed that economic freedom is a vital component of a free society and is essential for achieving political freedom. 

Friedman believed that economic freedom protects minorities from discrimination because the market is not concerned with their views or color. 

Friedman believed that economic freedom acts as a check on government because people can move to another community if they don't like what their local community is doing. 

Friedman believed that the market is an impersonal mechanism that allows people to cooperate economically regardless of their differences of opinion.

I believe we read a book called The Powers That Be by William Domhoff. In fact, I believe Domhoff spoke on our campus that fall before I was enrolled in Person and Society. Domhoff made it seem like the President had little power compared to special interest groups. 

"Ruling-class domination of government can be seen most directly in the workings of lobbyists, backroom super-lawyers, trade associations and advisory committees to governmental departments and agencies. It takes place in a network of people and organizations that is knit together by varying combinations of information, gifts, bribes, insider dealing, friendship and, not least, promises of lucrative private jobs in the future for compliant government officials."  

We never read The Communist Manifesto by Marx, but we did read an essay by radical economist Howard Wachtel.

Radical economists believe that economic planning should be actively used to address systemic inequalities, prioritize social well-being over pure profit, and promote democratic decision-making in the economy, often advocating for significant restructuring of the economic system away from traditional capitalist structures towards more participatory and socially-oriented models like cooperatives or worker-owned enterprises, with a strong focus on environmental sustainability and equitable distribution of resources.

We never discussed the Declaration of Independence, Mein Kampf, or the Port Huron Statement.

The Port Huron Statement was a broad critique of the political and social system of the United States for failing to achieve international peace and economic justice. In foreign policy, the statement took issue with the American government's handling of the Cold War, both the existential threat of nuclear war, and the actual arms race. In domestic matters, it criticized racial discrimination, economic inequality, big businesses, trade unions, and political parties. 

Sounds a bit like the Occupy Movement that came much later in time. 

Occupy Wall Street is a is a movement formed by American citizens in response to the country's economic conditions following the 2008 financial crisis. Protesters first gathered on September 17, 2011, at Liberty Square in Manhattan's Financial District. Topping the list of occupiers’ complaints were the high unemployment rate, the greed of American corporations, and the increasing divide between the country’s rich and poor. After the first demonstrations began in New York, the Occupy movement spread to more than 100 cities throughout the country and has been linked to similar protests internationally in Asia, Europe, Africa, and Australia.

Perhaps our class could have read The Road to Serfdom by Frederich Hayek. 

Perhaps we could have even watched some movies like All the King's Men, The Great McGinty, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, and The Candidate. 

* * *

We read "Lifeboat Ethics" by Garrett Hardin. 

"Lifeboat Ethics" by Garrett Hardin, when applied to today's world, essentially argues that wealthy nations should not significantly aid poorer nations facing extreme poverty and overpopulation, as doing so could jeopardize the resources and stability of the richer countries, essentially viewing them as "lifeboats" that could be swamped if too many people try to board from outside; this perspective is often criticized for being morally problematic and neglecting the root causes of global inequality.

I don't recall discussing immigration in P&S, although Hardin mentions immigration in his article.  

He writes "My final example of a commons in action is one for which the public has the least desire for rational discussion - immigration. Anyone who publicly questions the wisdom of current U.S. immigration policy is promptly charged with bigotry, prejudice, ethnocentrism, chauvinism, isolationism or selfishness. Rather than encounter such accusations, one would rather talk about other matters leaving immigration policy to wallow in the crosscurrents of special interests that take no account of the good of the whole, or the interests of posterity."

Clearly, today, immigration is a hot issue. Would we discuss it in a P&S class today?

I work with many minorities as coworkers. I enjoy learning from them about their cultures and their struggles. 

I read the memoir Americanized: Rebel Without a Green Card by Sara Saedi concerning her teenage life as an undocumented immigrant. She'd lived in America since age two and seemed like any other teenager. Her parents seemed to have legitimate reasons for leaving their home country of Iran. I couldn't help but root for her and her family to persevere through their immigration struggles in their quest to become legal citizens. 

We read Diet for a Small Planet by Frances Moore Lappé. Feeding grain to cattle to produce meat instead of feeding the grain to humans directly is rather inefficient.

In one iteration of her book she writes, "To imagine what this means in practical, everyday terms simply set yourself at a restaurant in front of an eight-ounce steak and then imagine the room filled with 45 to 50 people with empty bowls in front of them. For the "feed cost" of your steak, each of their bowls could be filled with a full cup of cooked cereal grains!"

When I read her book, I was shocked about the connection between water and livestock.

She writes, "Producing just one pound of steak uses 2,500 gallons of water—as much water as my family uses in a month! Livestock production, including water for U.S. crops fed to livestock abroad, accounts for about half of all water consumed in the United States, and increasingly that water is drawn from underground lakes, some of which are not significantly renewed by rainfall. Already irrigation sources in north Texas are running dry, and within decades the underground sources will be drawn down so far that scientists estimate a third of our current irrigation will be economically unfeasible."

In her book she argues that a plant-based diet can significantly reduce our environmental impact, particularly in relation to climate change, by minimizing the resource-intensive production of meat, thus making it a key component of a "climate-friendly" diet; essentially, eating less meat and more plant-based foods can help mitigate the effects of climate change. 

I'm sure vegans and anyone concerned with climate change would like this little book. 

We didn't talk about vegan diets or climate change in P&S. We didn't talk about the Greenhouse Effect or our carbon footprint as I recall. 

I have actually watched Al Gore in An Inconvenient Truth. I've watched other documentaries on climate change and read articles as well. 

By the way, Hustler ran an article on the Greenhouse Effect in the January 1983 issue. Don't ask me how I know this. I just do. I just thought you should know. 

The skeletons of large cities still standing in the center of the continent bear silent witness to the great civilization that previously thrived. But along the edges of this once heavily populated region the ocean waves break on a coastline unimaginable to those 'of us alive today. Major metropolitan areas-such as Boston, New York City, Washington, Miami, Los Angeles and San Francisco-lay drowned under waters as deep as 300 feet. Only the tops of skyscrapers are occasionally visible, their underpinnings rusting away before they topple into oblivion. In the vast sea obscuring what used to be the Big Apple, just the tip of the head and the upraised arm of the Statue of Liberty poke forlornly through the swells and whitecaps. 

The Green New Deal mentions high speed rail. Perhaps Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and I could watch Transatlantic Tunnel (1935) together. The film tells a fascinating story, set in the near future (for the 1930s), about a joint American British project to build an undersea tunnel from London to New York.

* * * 

I am often reminded of Person and Society and Doris, our professor. I watched Mona Lisa Smile not long ago. A lot of those young college woman seemed to be preparing for marriage as opposed to a career. 

I've watched the films Boyz n the Hood, Remember the Titans, The Help, Green Book, and Hidden Figures which made me think a lot about poverty and racism. 

I watched Experimenter, a film about Stanley Milgram's study of conformity and free will. The film is based on the true story of famed social psychologist Stanley Milgram, who in 1961 conducted a series of radical behavior experiments at Yale University that tested the willingness of ordinary humans to obey an authority figure while administering electric shocks to strangers.

I believe our class may have read an old Esquire article about the experiment entitled "If Hitler Asked You to Electrocute a Stranger, Would You? Probably" by Philip Meyer.

The Branch Davidians and Heaven's Gate both bring to mind the Jonestown Massacre I believe we may have read about for class. The mass suicide at Jonestown involved some people drinking a red liquid poisoned with cyanide. 

Although Jones used poisoned Flavor Aid, the drink mix was also commonly (mistakenly) referred to as Kool-Aid. This has led to the phrase "drinking the Kool-Aid", referring to a person or group holding an unquestioned belief, argument, or philosophy without critical examination.

I saw a documentary or two in recent years mentioning the Stonewall Riots.

I read a short story published in The New Yorker entitled "Cat Person" that quickly went viral online. “Cat Person” was published at the height of the #MeToo movement, at a time when many women were reassessing past relationships through a new lens, and it clearly resonated with readers. 

Kristen Roupenian’s story about a text-based flirtation turned into a waking nightmare, resonated with a chilling number of women. 

Have you heard about the "Missing Girls" phenomenon caused by sex-selective abortions and female infanticide in countries with severe gender discrimination?

Did you read about the Columbine High School massacre and other mass shootings?

We could discuss universal healthcare or perhaps socialism in general. In 1945, President Harry S. Truman proposed a national health insurance plan to Congress, making him the first president to publicly endorse such a program. Truman's national health care proposal was defeated in Congress. 

However, President Barack Obama signed the Affordable Care Act (ACA) into law on March 23, 2010. The ACA, also known as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA) or Obamacare, was a major overhaul of the U.S. health care system. 

So many things have happened and are happening that would keep us busy talking in a P&S class today. 

Is there hope for our world?

When I first heard of the Green New Deal and the mention of high-speed rail it made me think of the song "I.G.Y. (What a Beautiful World)" by Donald Fagen of Steely Dan. 

If you are a Steely Dan fan, you might know the Donald Fagen song, “IGY.” In it, Fagen sings about a rosy future with high-speed undersea rail, solar power, giant computers making life better, and spandex jackets. Since that song was on the 1982 album Nightfly, it is already too old for some people to remember, but the title goes back even further: the International Geophysical Year which was actually a little longer than a year in 1957 and 1958. The year was a concerted effort by 67 countries to further mankind’s knowledge of the Earth. It was successful, and was big news in its day, although not much remembered now.

The ending of the song has these lyrics:

On that train all graphite and glitter

Undersea by rail

Ninety minutes from New York to Paris

(more leisure for artists everywhere)

A just machine to make big decisions

Programmed by fellows with compassion and vision

We'll be clean when their work is done

We'll be eternally free yes and eternally young

What a beautiful world this will be

What a glorious time to be free

What a beautiful world this will be

What a glorious time to be free