The powers that be in the hospital weren't comfortable with men's group because it was an unofficial group that they had no way of billing for. The administrators liked every group to be billed for and accounted for. Nonetheless, our unofficial group met every Friday afternoon up on the eighth floor by the Rooftop Cafe and Rooftop Terrace (patio).
Dr. A had started the men's group after a particular incident occurred during a recreational outing of eating disorder patients. Some female patients had went into a store to shop and the male patients were standing outside twiddling their thumbs as the saying goes. After hearing about this incident Dr. A decided that male eating disorder patients needed their own group. So, men's group was born. I'm not saying whether it's fair or not for the male patients to have their own group but that's the way it was.
Whether you were a male on the inpatient unit or a male attending the day treatment program didn't matter. You were invited to attend men's group. Even if you were a male new to the inpatient unit and hadn't been rewarded with an activity level yet and were still on standard observation, you still got to leave the unit and go to men's group. It was a privilege you received just for being male which doesn't seem fair I suppose. But, I guess Dr. A felt male patients might face some unique challenges and should have their own group and he got his wish. He even put an announcement in some papers inviting any male from the community to our group if he needed support with an eating disorder.
Each Friday afternoon Dr. A would escort the male patients off of the inpatient unit. He would offer to buy everyone something from the snack bar although most of us declined. We would relax on comfortable chairs and couches in some corner of the lounge while having group. If the weather was nice we would have group out on the patio. Dr. A was always there as was Sam a social worker from the day treatment program.
Sometimes former patients would attend group as well. Carl had been in the hospital a few years earlier and still liked to attend men's group. Carl usually let Dr. A buy him a cup of coffee form the snack bar. Carl had skied in the Junior Olympics although it wasn't something he talked about. I think maybe Ryan had mentioned it to me. Carl also had the distinction of appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show for a segment on males with eating disorders. I had actually seen that particular show and realized that I remembered him. Carl claimed it wasn't him but his evil twin brother that had been on Oprah. Carl was always friendly and always curious about what had brought each guy to treatment.
Carl had come to treatment because of his low weight and depression. He claimed the pain of starvation blunted the pain of depression and that's what had led to his not eating. I think he'd stayed there in Iowa City after treatment to pursue a college degree. After almost starving to death, Carl now considered any food he ate to be good for him even if it was chocolate cake or greasy pizza.
As I mentioned Carl had been a skier. Skiing is the sort of thing Dr. A might use as a metaphor in group to discuss eating disorders.
"You know recovering from an eating disorder is kind of like skiing. Treatment gives you some equipment like gloves, boots, skis, goggles, and a helmet. But, you still have to deal with a lot of ups and downs and bumps and obstacles. You might even have to swerve to avoid some trees or other hazards. In fact, you might have to start out on the bunny slope before you're ready to tackle something more advanced. But, in time you'll be navigating the advanced slopes with ease."
Did we talk about manly things in men's group? Sometimes. For example, sometimes we talked about hunting. One of the men knew about guns and hunting so Dr. A asked for his opinion about shotguns on one occasion. I think Dr. A was considering going to Fin & Feather and having a look around.
We talked about lifting weights and working out sometimes. Dr. A had been lifting weights recently and claimed he now had triceps for the first time in his life. Dr. A mentioned to Carl that I was interested in bodybuilding because Carl also liked to lift weights. Carl had a rule though. He weighed himself before lifting weights. If he'd lost weight since his last workout then he didn't lift weights that day. He figured he couldn't build muscle if he was losing weight so he only worked out if his weight was stable.
A college-aged guy attended one of our weekly meetings and claimed he'd been addicted to pornography at one time and now felt guilty about it. That led to a discussion about pornography and the objectification of women. Sam the social worker recalled going to a bar featuring topless dancers whenever he and some male relatives got together. It seemed like a harmless tradition to him he'd never given much thought to. I said I didn't believe looking at a pornographic magazine or movie occasionally was morally objectionable. Are women who work in that industry being exploited or liberated? People have been arguing about that for ages. I qualified my statement by saying that I also enjoyed simple things like holding a woman's hand or cuddling on the couch. Sam concurred.
Dr. A said he liked it when something was left to the imagination. He'd prefer a woman in a sexy dress singing a song while lounging on a piano. He also brought up body image and the physique of most supermodels. He said his sons didn't find models to be attractive at all. They called models clothes hangers. Dr. A said he preferred some curves and thought the voluptuous actress Catherine Zeta-Jones was the most beautiful woman on Earth except for his wife.
A guy named Ben and I spent some time together on the inpatient unit as well as in the day treatment program. We even lived at the same care facility for a while. Ben had been a star basketball player in high school and had received some college scholarship offers. But, before he could go to college he was faced with a serious health crisis. Doctors found a tumor in his brain and he needed an operation. He survived the operation but they weren't sure if he would walk again. Ben was a fighter and regained his ability to walk and basically function normally although basketball was no longer an option.
Although Ben didn't seem bitter about what had happened to him, I think he was shaken by the whole ordeal. I think perhaps he felt insecure and vulnerable. What could he count on in life? He wanted to feel in control again. He decided he could at least control what he put into his body. So, he became very particular about what and how much he ate. Sam the social worker pointed out that the food was actually controlling Ben. Ben admitted it was just an illusion of control but that it still made him feel more secure.
One afternoon in group we were talking about body image. I mentioned that I wanted to look like a bodybuilder at one time but that now I was more interested in simply being fit. I had decided I valued function over form. I didn't care so much about having big muscles any longer. I wanted to be strong and tough and relished the idea that I could defend myself ably if needed.
Then Ben said two words.
"Sleeper car," said Ben.
"What?" I asked.
"You want to be like a sleeper car," said Ben.
"What's a sleeper car?" I asked.
"Well, it's a car that doesn't look that impressive but has a high performance engine hiding under the hood. Sometimes the car is plain looking or even has a beat up body but has a kick-ass engine. So, other drivers might challenge the driver and of course his car blows their doors off because they made the mistake of judging a book by its cover. And you, being a small dude, like the idea of knowing you could whoop ass if anyone made the mistake of underestimating you," said Ben.
"Oh my God! I love that metaphor!" I said.
One of my favorite movie tropes or plot devices is the guy who is underestimated and then annihilates his adversaries. For example, there's the quiet man running a pawnshop who turns out to be a former covert operative with an impressive level of fighting prowess. He doesn't want to fight but he can and will if needed. If our hero is outnumbered 10 to 1 it's even more satisfying to see him triumph. When you underestimate someone and they turn out to be a badass you're in for trouble.
It wasn't until years later that I did some research on sleeper cars. Ben was right. A sleeper car is a high performance car with an unassuming exterior. A sleeper car may look neglected and unappealing or it may simply look like a standard car with the external appearance looking as it did when it came from the factory. A sleeper car is a car you assume to be slow until you race it and then all you're looking at is the car quickly disappearing in front of you and leaving you in the dust as the saying goes.
The name sleeper car may come from the term sleeper agent. A sleeper agent is a spy who has infiltrated a target country or organization but has "gone to sleep." The spy attempts to blend into everyday life as a normal citizen until he or she is activated and undertakes a mission.
Perhaps you've heard of the term sleeper hit to describe an unexpected success in the entertainment industry. For example, a low-budget movie with unknown actors relying almost solely on word-of-mouth marketing may become popular and successful and thus be labeled a sleeper hit.
If you don't mind me using a metaphor, dear reader, I can tell you that I've seen some eating disorder patients become sleeper hits. I've seen a few female patients considered beyond hope become full-time employees, wives, and even mothers.
What about myself? Have I become a sleeper hit? Well, some people are probably amazed that I'm still alive so I guess I surprised a few people. I continue to struggle but have experienced some things I never thought would happen. I never thought I could feel love again or spend time with a friends going out to lunch or movies.
I've been underestimated before like back in high school and college. You don't think I can become a conference champion wrestler or qualify for the state tournament? Well, you can eat those words now. You don't think I can get good grades and get on the dean's list? Wrong again. DO NOT OVERLOOK ME! DO NOT EVER COUNT ME OUT!
A dark horse is a little known contender that makes an unexpectedly good showing. A dark horse is someone who possesses talents or favorable characteristics that are not known or expected by others.
I'm sure some of you have been the dark horse before. I'm sure some of you have been underestimated before. And, I'm sure some of you have been sleeper hits and surprised a lot of people.
Underneath my plain exterior hides a surprising level of performance. I have much more quality than perhaps meets the eye. Maybe I'm a sleeper agent who hasn't been activated and shown what he's truly capable of. Maybe I'm a dark horse. Maybe I'm a long shot.
But, don't count me out. Not yet.
