My Conversation with Madonna: A Mostly True Tale

I'm lying in bed after trudging up the stairway to my bedroom around 9:00 PM. I was too tired to stay up and watch Miami Vice tonight so I'll have to catch up with Crockett and Tubbs next week.  It's mid November of 1985.  My last year of high school.

As drowsiness takes hold, I slip into that state somewhere between wakefulness and sleep. 

Madonna is on my mind because she's been on the radio a lot over the last couple of years. I even saw her in the movie Desperately Seeking Susan a few months ago. She's permeated the American culture, nay the world's culture. She has a legion of adoring fans many of whom would like to emulate her.

As I lie here, Madonna comes to me. I see her before me. Perhaps I'm imagining things in my drowsy state. Is this an elaborate fantasy being shaped by my tired body? Is this some ghostly apparition? Perhaps I'm already asleep and dreaming. Or, perhaps Madonna's consciousness has traversed the astral plane and she's here with me now in spirit. 

Madonna looks like she did in her “Lucky Star” video although she's luminous and translucent. She's dressed in black and showing just a bit of midriff. She has the see-through top. She has the skirt paired with leggings. She has the fingerless gloves and rubber bracelets. Her hair is in a black ribbon. I can see her blue green eyes and her red lips. I get the sense that she can't speak to me in this realm.  But she smiles at me reassuringly and I begin to speak.

Madonna, what are you doing here? Why are you visiting me? Did you sense that I needed someone to offer me a compassionate ear? I never thought I'd meet you. You look beautiful as always. If you're willing to listen, Madonna, I'm willing to talk. 

I know what you're wondering, Madonna. Your asking yourself, “What is this handsome guy doing home in bed on a Friday night?”

Well, I tell you what Madonna, my love life is really lacking right now. I'm going through a lean period. There's a scarcity of girls I tell you. Okay, that's probably not really true. The fact is I got dumped last spring and never really recovered from it.  What do girls want, Madonna?  Do they crave adventure and drama?  Do they want an assertive man who takes charge?  Am I too boring and predictable?  Am I too nice?  Am I too needy?  What do women want?  Well, it's not me. I know that much. Okay, I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself and get back out there.

My girlfriend dumped me and then went to prom with one of my classmates. Can you believe that, Madonna? You wouldn't do that, right? Although, I heard you dumped one of your boyfriends when it became apparent you were going to be a huge star. You were going to be something big and he wasn't so you told him goodbye. 

 

I'm sorry, Madonna. I don't even know if that's true. Maybe you just decided your paths were heading in different directions and you didn't want him holding you back. At least you were honest with him and didn't lead him on.

I read an interview where you admitted to being insensitive and self-absorbed at times. But, I think I also read somewhere that your strongest trait was your ambition. Why should any of your goals and dreams be hindered by some guy? I think you even said you wished at times you were a million different people so you could stay with each boyfriend. So, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, Madonna. You probably never hurt any boyfriend intentionally. 

So, why did you marry Sean Penn a few months ago? You've only known him like six months, Madonna. Couldn't you have waited a little longer? Plus, when I think of Sean I think of his surfer character Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Spicoli says things like, “Dude, that's totally awesome!” Ha ha. I know Sean got praised for his performance in Bad Boys but it's hard to picture him as anyone other than Spicoli. Did you really say Sean is the “coolest guy in the universe.” I've read he is short-tempered and wild at times. Perhaps he's kind of a rebel like you. But, he's also committed to his career like you.  Perhaps his ambition inspires and attracts you. Well, I'm sure he's a great guy or you wouldn't have married him. You even got married on your birthday in August.

My birthday is in August too! We're both Leos. What is it with girls being so interested in astrology and horoscopes? I know girls who can tell you everything about the supposed personality characteristics of each zodiac sign. It's fun to read my daily horoscope but I'm not really sure I buy into astrology.

I was raised a Christian. I still go to church almost every Sunday. I'm don't have very strong faith. Sometimes I'm not sure I buy into prayer any more than I do astrology. So, you were raised a Catholic, huh? I even read that as a young girl you considered being a nun one day. Ha ha. I can't imagine you being a nun, Madonna.  A lot of people see you as a brazenly sexual entertainer who enjoys the spotlight.  Actually, I read that even now you would like to be a nun if you hadn't made it as an entertainer.  Very intriguing.  You're an enigma!  

Sometimes I would be at a dance on a Friday night like this. I'm an okay dancer. I'm not great but it's fun to go to the dances. Sometimes it's a live band and sometimes it's a DJ playing. I don't like one better than the other. A lot of guys don't like to dance but a pretty girl can usually persuade them to get on the dance floor especially for a slow dance. We usually have our Homecoming dance at a place called Dreamland. Cool name, huh?

My date for Homecoming this year was kind of a rebel. She's sort of a bad girl. Well, not really. She smokes cigarettes and likes to party. She's even smoked pot I think. But, who am I to jug? And, besides, she's really cute. I'm not sure why she agreed to go to Homecoming with me but we had some fun.

I had to escort one of the Homecoming Queen candidates that night at the game. I dressed up a little bit. I wore a tweed sport coat and a tie. But, I just wore jeans instead of dress pants. My tweed jacket was kind of a light blue which I suppose I shouldn't have worn since it was after Labor Day. Perhaps I should have worn a gray tweed with some black dress pants or maybe even a navy blue suit. What can I say?  Guys don't know that much about fashion including me. 

I dress kind of preppy sometimes with a polo shirt or Oxford button down and boat shoes. But, a lot of times I just wear a t-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. No one at my school stands out too much. We don't have any punks with leather jackets and spiked hair or goths dressed all in black with their hair dyed black.

You have a unique style though, Madonna, with the lace tops and skirts and fingerless gloves and bows in your hair and bracelets and crucifix jewelry. I've heard that a lot of girls want to copy your style. One of the freshman girls dressed like you for Halloween. They made her go home and change her clothes. Ha ha. Just kidding, Madonna.

 

After Halloween we had the Sweetheart Dance in early November. It's kind of like a harvest ball I guess since it's held in the fall after harvest. This year I went stag. I didn't have a date which was a bit depressing. My buddy Brad and I cruised around together for a while before the dance because he didn't have a date either. I drank a little raspberry schnapps mixed with Coke. But, don't tell my mom and dad.

We listened to some cassettes as we drove around. Brad likes hard rock like Kiss and Van Halen. We listened to Def Lepperd too. We didn't listen to any of your music. In fact, I only have one of your cassettes.  It's your debut album - the one simply entitled Madonna.  My older sister gave it to me for my birthday right after it was released.  She knew there was something unique about you.  I don't have Like a Virgin though. Don't be mad. I like your music a lot. I've heard you on the radio a lot. That's why I don't really need the cassette.  Have you ever listened to Casey Kasem's countdown? Coo guy, huh?

I only have a few cassettes. I have AC/DC and the Cars and the Police and Loverboy and ZZ Top. I have some Beatles too. My older sister has an REO Speedwagon record album.  My older sister likes your music.  I think she knew you were going to be big.  She took me with her to see Desperately Seeking Susan.  You were great in that movie, Madonna.

Well, anyway, the Sweetheart Dance was reasonably fun. I found some girls to dance with and made the most of the evening. 

Speaking of dancing, is it true you got a dance scholarship from the University of Michigan? That's what I read somewhere so it must be true. You must be really good to have gotten a scholarship. I wish you could come teach me some dance moves.

But, you left college early and took off to New York. I read that you only had thirty-five dollars and a dream when you got to New York. Did you really eat food out of garbage cans sometimes?  How could you give up a four-year free ride?  I couldn't do it.  You must be really brave. I get homesick just being at wrestling camp for a week. I bet you're really extroverted and outgoing. I wish I could be more like that. I'm introverted and quiet. I'm kind of shy. On the wrestling mat I'm tough. I'll aggressively attack my opponent. But, I feel sick and nervous if I have to give a speech or an oral report in class. And, when I'm on a date I never seem to have anything to talk about. I bet you always have plenty to say. I bet you're a lot of fun to be around. I wish I could be more like you. 

The only thing I'm good at is wrestling. Our season just started a couple weeks ago. Maybe this year I'll finally win a conference title and maybe even qualify for the state tournament.  I'm nervous though.  It's hard cutting weight sometimes.  And, sometimes I feel pressure to win.  I feel pressure to perform up to my potential.  I'm glad I have some talent and drive but then people expect big things.  My parents are really supportive though which is great.  I'm sorry you lost your Mom at a young age, Madonna.  That must have been really hard.  Perhaps losing her contributed to your ambition to achieve success. 

I know you had a small role in the movie Vision Quest. There aren't many movies with wrestlers as the main character. That's why Vision Quest is so cool.  It's a great movie and I'm glad you were part of it.  It may not be the most accurate depiction of high school wrestling but it was enjoyable.  And, I really like your song “Crazy for You” from the soundtrack. 

When I first heard your song “Material Girl” I liked it a lot but I was a bit put off by the lyrics which seemed to suggest you were a gold digger only interested in money. But, in the video it's clear you're a regular girl. You're a strong and independent woman who doesn't need a man's money and you just want a nice guy. I guess the irony of the song was lost on the journalists who gave you the nickname “Material Girl.”  I know for you money is mainly a means to an end. More money means being able to continue making music. More money means being able to help more people. I know what you really care about is creating your art and entertaining people. 

Your video for “Like a Virgin” is kind of strange, Madonna. What's the deal with that lion walking around Venice while your singing and dancing?  Maybe I'm not artistic enough to appreciate the symbolism.  I'm not just "like a virgin."  I am a virgin, Madonna.  My ex-girlfriend and I came close to being intimate at one point but it never happened.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.  Maybe I'll find the right girl one day.

Your music and your videos have really put you in the public eye. You've become a real pop icon. But, some of the drama in your personal life interests people even more. I think you intrigue people. People wonder what you're really like. Are you as wild and rebellious as people imagine you to be? I know you've probably gotten some bad press by idiots suggesting you're a bimbo or an airhead. I know you're not though. 

I've seen you on some magazine covers. I've bought some of them too. I saw you on the cover of People last spring so I bought a copy. I saw you on the cover of SPIN.  You even made the cover of Time.  You've really hit the big time.  I took some of the pictures from the magazines and pinned them to the bulletin board in my room.  I don't have an official poster of you yet though.  I guess I need to buy your newest cassette and a poster in the near future.

Madonna, there's a topic I've been hesitant to bring up. Last summer I saw some nude photos of you in a friend's copy of Playboy. I heard Penthouse had some nude photos as well. I know some people criticized you and said it would end your career. You declared, “I'm not ashamed of anything.” Good for you, Madonna. If you needed to make some money to feed yourself and survive when you first moved to New York by working as a figure model then so be it. A similar incident happened to Marilyn Monroe and she handled it well. Don't let those judgmental people get you down. And, besides, the pictures were tasteful and I think you looked beautiful. 

I know you can't speak to me, Madonna.  But, I have a sense you're trying to tell me something.  You must be here for a reason.  Perhaps as I've been speaking to you I've been speaking to myself as well.  I've made my thoughts concrete and visible.  I'm forced to acknowledge my dreams as well as my fears.  Maybe you're trying to tell me to be more ambitious.  You're telling me to go after what I want.  You're telling me to take some risks even it's scary because taking risks can lead to profound positive results.
Be bold and go for it!  That's what I need to do.

Well, Madonna, I'm getting really tired.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I don't imagine I'll be seeing you again.  How often can one expect to have a supernatural experience after all? Thanks for listening, Madonna.

Madonna means “my lady” in Italian. I suppose you knew that. You're Italian after all. You know sometimes the Virgin Mary is referred to as Madonna. I guess that makes your name kind of special. You are special, Madonna. You will always be special and always be relevant. Perhaps you'll win an Academy Award or Golden Globe one day. And, if people aren't already calling you the “Queen of Pop” they will be soon enough.

Take care, Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone.