On Boys and Girls, Love and Lust

You say that I'm the boy

Who can make it all come true
Well, I'm tellin' ya that I don't know
If I know what to do

Young Love

My first boy-girl relationship occurred in third grade. Our connection was quite serious.

She would hand me love notes designed to ascertain the depth of my feelings for her.

“Do you like me?” the note would read. I had to circle yes or no. Or, sometimes there were boxes by the yes and no and I had to put an X in the appropriate box.

We bonded over our discussions of Saturday morning cartoons. 

Another young woman captured my fancy as well during those elementary years. She would chase after me during playground games of pom-pom-pullaway. I was fast but she was faster. I could never reach the safety zone on the other side of the playground.

She gave me a tiny clay pot once that she had made and painted.

A friend and I used to hide behind a row of bushes with her and her friend. A lot of kissing took place behind those bushes. 

She eventually moved to another town and began attending a new school. 

 

Serious Middle School Crush

In fifth grade a new girl entered my class but it wasn't until the following year that our relationship began to blossom. In language arts class our desks were in the same module composed of four desks. These work stations were temporary I believe. I sat across from her. She noticed a mistake I made one day on a paper and teased me about it. We laughed together and I felt like our relationship had changed somehow after this incident.

Eventually our seating arrangement was changed but my feelings for her remained strong. She must have figured out I had a crush on her because at some point she started winking at me a few times during every class period. I enjoyed having her flirt with me but wondered if she was just having some fun. One of her friends asked me if I liked Andrea and I said I did. Her friend assured me that Andrea liked me as well. I really wanted to believe it but I had my doubts. Even at that young age I wasn't totally naïve.

There was a young lady in that class who truly did “like” me. So one day in class the object of my affections said to the other young lady, “You can have him. I'm tired of him.” There was no more winking after that. I wasn't too upset because I'd never quite believed she really liked me. But, it still stung a bit to be brushed off so easily. 

I still thought she was cute in high school. But even though I was attracted to her I never gave her too much thought. But, I'd never forget her and all of that winking. There always felt like a genial but slightly odd connection between us. 

Junior High

A cute blond became my girlfriend for a while. She gave me a gold chain as a token of her affection. Eventually she dumped me and asked for the gold chain back. 

I had a crush on and a “relationship” with another new girl during junior high. I was excited that she liked me too. But, the relationship fizzled and I never bought her a Christmas present because I was afraid that whatever I bought her would be stupid or inadequate. Would she enjoy a gift set of assorted lip glosses?

During my eighth grade year, another new girl showed up. She was introduced to the student body during an assembly on the first day of school. The principal introduced Candy and said she was from Arizona. When the young lady stood up, the heavens parted and a light shined down upon her. The cute brunette was tanned from the Arizona sun and smiling brightly. I was smitten.

Her family had purchased a restaurant where students liked to hang out. 

I didn't play football so I had gym class with her every afternoon. We walked outside to play softball and I was trying to walk cool and wishing desperately that I could impress her somehow.

At some point I had a mutual friend ask her if she would “go” with me. She said no. She said she didn't know me well enough. But, after a few weeks she did agree to “go” with me. We were a couple. I was only able to meet her once for a “date” when I stayed overnight with a friend who lived in town. I remember walking to a youth hang-out on a cold winter's night. Soon we were walking hand in hand and I was in heaven. We held hands some more at the youth hang-out.

Her birthday was around Christmas.  So, I bought her two gifts.  I think I gave her a necklace or a bracelet and a bottle of Love's Baby Soft Perfume.

She and her family left town before the end of the school year because of a family member's health. I never saw her again but well into adulthood I still had a picture of her smiling like she had on that first day I'd laid eyes on her.

I put my arm around a girl on a 4-H bus trip to Des Moines, the state capital. As we parted at the end of the day she said that perhaps we'd meet again one day on a 4-H trip to Washington, D.C.  

I never ended up going to Washington, D.C. I'm not sure if she did or not. I continued to see her at the county fair in the following years. One afternoon during the fair we even left the fairgrounds and spent some time together in town.

I called her during my senior year and asked her to if she'd go to prom with me. She didn't say "no" but said she wasn't sure how her boyfriend would feel about that. After high school I never saw her again.

High School

I had the same girlfriend during most of my freshman year. How did we meet? I think we locked eyes at a football game and she held my gaze just long enough to make me wonder if she liked me.

We would meet up at some football games. Sometimes my mom would drop me off in town and I would meet her at the restaurant on the main drag where students liked to hang out. 

I think we kissed for the first time in a park on a cold winter's night. A group of our friends had the brilliant idea to walk several blocks to the city park in the middle of winter.

 

Sometimes we would kiss in a space under a staircase between two buildings downtown. The kids had dubbed this place the MOP (Make Out Place).

We met up once at a Valentine's Day party or perhaps it was a birthday party held at a mutual friend's house. A lot of kissing took place in a dark bedroom as I recall. 

I was a rather quiet boy in high school. She wasn't as quiet as I was and yet conversations were a challenge especially over the telephone. Some of those phone calls were painful, filled with long pauses of uncomfortable silence. 

As I recall I broke up with her over the summer because I thought perhaps I wanted to date other girls. This was not one of the brightest decisions I've made in my life. She really was a very nice girl and today she's as beautiful as ever. 

I met another young woman at an overnight church youth retreat.  She had red hair so let's call her Ginger. I was smitten as soon as she initiated some conversation with me and some friends. I chased her around during some game the chaperones had us play. I made sure to get on the same wagon as her when we went on a hayride. At the campfire she said I should come visit her in her nearby town sometime. On the hayride back I held her hand under a blanket we shared.

Later that evening she and I and some others explored the church. Is it a sin to make out in a church?

I was sixteen when I met Ginger and she ended up being my first true love. We had some sort of connection for the rest of my high school years. She broke up with me a few times only to want me back soon thereafter.

 

We used to make out in my car (or my parents' car) some nights.  When people used to joke about "steaming up the windows" I thought it was just a saying.  But, we really did steam up the windows.  One night we were parked at the fairgrounds and a cop showed up.  Ginger was afraid the cop would know who she was so she hid behind me.  I rolled down my window and the cop asked me for my identification.  Then Ginger finally popped her head up and the cop figured out what was going on.  He didn't care about seeing my I.D. then.  He didn't scold us or laugh.  He just told us nicely to leave the premises.  I think he was relieved to find it was just two teenagers messing around and not some stranger alone in the back seat of a car with steamed up windows.

 

On another evening Ginger was driving so I decided to start putting my mouth on her in some inappropriate places.  She finally pulled off the road into a driveway.  There are a lot of driveways in Iowa that lead into crop fields.  She said something like, "Oh my god!  I've never been so turned on!"  So, you see, woman can really become hot and bothered as the saying goes.  Guess what happened next?  Yep.  A cop showed up.  A highway patrolman wondered why we were sitting there in that driveway.  He wondered if we were okay or if there was some sort of trouble.  "We just stopped to talk," Ginger informed him.  He gave us a skeptical look.  "Honest, officer, we're fine.  We were just talking," Ginger reiterated.  The officer was incredulous but simply told us to move on.

Here's a funny anecdote. One evening Ginger and I were looking through a mail order catalog. We began looking through the women's clothing section and happened upon some pages featuring lingerie. We discussed which lingerie sets looked the most appealing and I pointed out an outfit featuring a lacy bra, panties, garter belt and stockings. She said, “No, that has too many...attachments.”

As our relationship blossomed we became closer and closer. She wore my class ring for a while. We began to talk about being intimate. One night it almost happened. She asked me if I had stopped at the gas station. This was a code of sorts. Sometimes we still called convenience stores gas stations back then. And, at this particular station there was a condom machine in the restroom that we both knew of and had joked about before. The condom machine also sold something called Joy Jelly. I had stopped there with a group of guys on a couple of occasions. You had to ask for a key to use the restroom. So, if you asked for four quarters and a key to the restroom the clerk tried to keep a straight face because she knew why you wanted the quarters. I used to stop at that gas station occasionally back then simply to check my hair one last time before seeing Ginger.  God how I fussed over my hair back then.

 

I was never one of those guys who kept a condom in his wallet so I told Ginger I didn't have protection with me. So, we did not take our relationship to the next level that night. I look back and laugh at myself sometimes. Why didn't I just drive to the gas station that night. It was only a few blocks away. “I'll be back in ten minutes,” I could have said. But, I guess it wasn't meant to happen that night.

Do you want hear a painful story? This very girl attended my junior prom with one of my classmates. 

I was close to a pretty blond for a while too.  It might have worked out well but I was involved with Ginger at the time.  This blond used to invite me over to watch cable TV which was kind of a big deal at the time. 

During my senior year, I attended the homecoming dance with the senior girl voted Best Partier. Why she agreed to go with me I'm not sure. I didn't really know her that well. I thought she was cute. One day she walked through the school lobby and waved at me and smiled. She had acknowledged my existence which I thought was odd. 

Homecoming was fun although it was the only time we went out. 

I knew a girl named Rachel from another school. I would run into her periodically during high school. I met her one night at her friend's house during my senior year. I had to return a jacket I'd borrowed from her. She, her friends, and I drank a little bit of wine and talked. When it was time for me to head home she walked me to my car.

“Can I give you a hug?” she asked.

We hugged and when we loosened our embrace I leaned in slowly and kissed her and she kissed me back.

I thought about asking her to my senior prom but I was afraid she would then ask me to attend her prom which I had no interest in doing. Perhaps I made the wrong decision.

I never saw her after graduating.

Letters and Pictures

Pens are dead. Paper is dead. Handwriting is a relic.

When I was in high school and college there was no email. There was no social media. There wasn't an internet yet as we know it today. People sent actual physical letters to one another. Sometimes it was just a piece of notebook paper placed into a plain white envelope. Sometimes one might use a notepad with different colors of paper for a little pizzazz. Some people even had stationery sets.

There were no phones to snap digital pictures with. If a girl wanted you to have a picture of her she gave you a physical picture you could hold in your hand or put in a box or in a photo album.

One of my high school girlfriends sent me a letter once that read something like the following:

Dear Tharin,

I love you so much. I can't wait to see you at my party.

Tell me you love me and you decide how far we go (bases).

Tell me you can't live without me and I decide how far we go (bases).

See you soon!

Love,

Your Sweetheart

I thought it was funny how she put the word bases in parentheses to make sure I understood what she was talking about.  I remember some guys fretting about how their girlfriends wouldn't let them get to second base.

Other girls sent me letters during my high school and college years as well sometimes writing of love and wanting to see me and sometimes simply telling me what they had been up to lately.  

I met a girl named Mindy at the National FFA Convention. She happened to be from a school near mine but we'd never met before. She gave me a school picture of her she happened to have with her. We exchanged some letters after returning home from the convention and I saw her at an FFA contest. 

I exchanged letters and pictures with a girl named Jill from another nearby school as well. We'd met through 4-H. And, I was a wrestler and she was a wrestling cheerleader so we'd see each other at tournaments sometimes. I'd see her at teen dances sometimes and one night she and some friends and a friend and I all ended up at the drive-in movie theater and piled into one car together. 

I should have asked her out but I guess I was a timid guy sometimes in high school. She was from another school and lived quite a few miles from me although it probably wasn't as great a distance as I imagined. I guess I was overly concerned about the logistics of dating her assuming of course she would have agreed to go out with me.

On the last day of school my freshman year of college, I checked my mailbox one last time and found I had a letter. The letter was from Angie who I'd gotten to know during the school year. I'd had a crush on her all year and thought she was beautiful. Did I ever ask her out? Of course not! But, I guess I made an impression on her because she left me that letter on the last day. I think she just wrote that she'd enjoyed getting to know me and that she hoped I'd have a nice summer. 

I told my roommate and another guy about getting the letter. I think they were impressed and perhaps a bit jealous.

I'm not against technology. I appreciate a nice email or message. Digital pictures are great. I just get nostalgic sometimes for the old days.

Boys Will Be Boys

I was in car with a group of guys headed to the nearby town of Waukon. Andrew wanted to go to some girl's house and see if she happened to be home. Brad was along and was keeping the group laughing as usual. We got to the house and all piled out of the car. Andrew knocked on the door and it was opened by a beautiful woman. The woman was the girl's mother. She informed us that her daughter wasn't home. I think she asked Andrew how he'd been. She then asked us what we were going to do that night. She seemed curious about our plans for the evening and she seemed like a very sweet woman. Did I mention she was beautiful?  So after a few more words we said goodbye and walked to the car. 
 

We got in the car and sat there in silence for a brief moment contemplating the interaction we'd just had. Then Brad broke the silence and expressed what I believe we were all thinking. “Forget the daughter. I'll take the mom!”

Brad was such a funny guy. One night he was talking to Tammy at a party. At some point she asked him a question or said something and sort of tilted her head and looked at him imploringly. I thought to myself, She looks like she wants to be kissed. They weren't a couple and I knew that's not the message she was trying to impart. Nonetheless, Brad reached his hands out as though he was going to caress her face and leaned in slowly as though he was going to kiss her. He then pulled away and began laughing and she laughed and looked at him as if to say, “What a joker!”

One fateful day my younger sister and her best friend were out walking and found a girlie magazine discarded in a ditch. They returned from their walk and informed me of their discovery. I, of course, had to investigate! Well, this was not some innocent pornographic periodical like Playboy with a tasteful centerfold. Oh, no! This was a bit more hardcore and explicit in nature showing couples engaging in some rather risque behavior. Some may have called it smutty.

I left it in the ditch although I returned to the ditch to look at it a few more times. I'm not sure why I didn't simply bring it back to the house and hide it in my room. I guess it seemed a little indecent to be looking at a naughty magazine that had been laying in a ditch. I think I decided this magazine was too dirty (in every sense of the word) to be brought into our home.  

I think I stopped visiting the magazine or perhaps one day it simply wasn't there any longer.

I was on an overnight trip with the wrestling team during my college days and was in a motel room with three other wrestlers. After climbing into bed for the night they decided to tell “war” stories. I don't remember any of their stories so the tales of their sexual exploits must not have been anything too riveting. Nonetheless, I felt a little uncomfortable when they asked for my contribution. I didn't have any tales of sexual escapades to share. After all, I was a guy who could get emotional just holding a girl's hand. 

Nothing too exciting had ever happened in my sex life. No shower sex. No screwing on a washing machine during the spin cycle. No threesomes. No sex in a closet at work. 

However, I did have a conversation with a girl in a closet once. I was at a party at Mark's apartment and some girl and I decided to have a private conversation in a closet just off the kitchen area. Perhaps Mark and Curtis stored food in there. Maybe one might call it a pantry. At any rate, the closet had a light and had room for two people to stand comfortably and chat. 

She was a cute Asian girl although back then we used the term oriental. Or, a lot of guys referred to any Asian woman as Chinese whether she was or not. She told me she had been born in Seoul, South Korea and then adopted by an American couple.

She commented on a gold cross necklace I was wearing and said, “That tells me something about you and your morality. You must be a good person.”

Here we were at a party drinking and my mind probably had naughty thoughts brewing while we were alone in that closet and yet she mentions the cross I just happen to be wearing and its suggestion that I was a good and moral young man. That was kind of amusing.

When we walked out of the closet we got a few bemused looks from the others at the party.

“Tharin, what the hell were you doing in that closet?”

The Vernacular of Love

Love

Lust
Passion
Aroused
Amorous
Frisky
Turned on
Hot and bothered
Horny
Babe
Fox
Hottie
Stud
Womanizer
Ladies man
Player
Casanova
Don Juan
Romeo
Attractive
Pretty
Cute
Handsome
Sexy
Flirting
Hitting on
Making a move on
Come here often?
What's your sign?
Kissing
Touching
Heavy petting

Hooking up

Sex
Screwing
Making love
Couple
Going steady
Soul mate
Engaged
Married

Lines

We'll always have Paris.

You had me at hello.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

What can you say about a twenty-five-year-old girl who died? 

That she was beautiful. And brilliant. That she loved Mozart and Bach. And the Beatles. And me.

Now, you listen to me! I don't want any plastics, and I don't want any ground floors, and I don't want to get married - ever - to anyone! You understand that? I want to do what I want to do.

So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.

Me? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of what I saw, I'm scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you.

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

I am awestruck and humbled by your radiance.

Just a lovely, average girl. That's all I want.

Hey, Stella!

Yo, Adrian!

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

College

After completing freshman orientation, I was standing with my roommate at a welcome back dance being held outside one evening on the campus mall. A girl dancing nearby caught my attention and asked me if I wanted to dance. It turned out that MJ lived in the same dorm as I did on the same floor as my older sister. 

MJ seemed to take an instant liking to me. I saw her at a local bar a few days later and she asked me to dance. We danced to “Naughty Naughty” by John Parr. I walked her up to her room one night instead of just parting ways with her in the lobby which she thought was sweet. 

She would stop by my room sometimes and talk to me and my roommate.

One night close to Halloween she was in our room when my roommate and some other guys from the floor were heading out to engage in mischievous behavior. I got up to leave with them and they said, “No, you stay here with MJ.” They winked and wagged their eyebrows insinuating that I would be engaging in my own mischievous behavior with MJ. I protested saying that I wanted to go with them. But, my protestation fell on deaf ears. So, there I was with MJ. 

At some point the lights were turned off and some clothing came off. A somewhat intimate encounter ensued. The lights were turned back on. The hell-raisers returned and MJ went to her room. My roommate said, “I know something happened between you two because she was wearing a brooch before we left but it was gone when we came back and I think she had few buttons on her shirt undone that were fastened before.” I told him that the fact that he knew her jewelry item was called a brooch concerned me.

Soon MJ wanted to talk. “Are we going to be a couple?” she asked.

I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship because I was stressed out and concerned about doing well in college. I also asked her why she was interested in quiet guy like me. She said she liked my personality and demeanor just fine. She was not pleased when she found out we weren't going to be a couple. Nonetheless, she was very mature about the matter and accepted the state of our situation.

What I told her was true but I also didn't feel “fireworks” with MJ and didn't think I ever would. We continued to be friends and if we'd been a couple I think she would have loved me and been devoted to me.

Why is that some of the people who offer us the most love and devotion are the ones we don't feel romantically attracted to? Yes, I let a beautiful and kind woman walk out of my life. Eventually we'd see less and less of one another. I even ran into her at a mall once while with my then girlfriend and MJ smiled and said hello to us and seemed genuinely happy for me.

I danced with a Spanish girl a few times. The beautiful Cristina was one of the few foreign students who chose to go to our little liberal arts college.

I kissed a British girl who was visiting my friend Laura.

Flo was a sexy Asian woman I knew through a mutual friend. I saw her at a club one evening when I was with a couple of guys. At some point she started walking toward our table and I thought, Oh my God! Is she coming over here to ask me to dance?

When she got to our table she smiled at me and then nodded toward my friend Tom and said, “I was wondering if your friend would dance with me.”

F*ck you Tom! You just had to show off your moves while dancing to MC Hammer.

Okay, to be fair, she did dance with me that evening as well. 

My friend Jeff used to talk about “getting some trim” as opposed to “picking up girls.”

One evening I was with the guys at the club and Mark asked, “Okay, what's your favorite body part on a woman?” Mark and some others chose the booty (i.e. butt) while others chose boobs. One guy chose legs which I thought was unique.

What did I choose? I chose the face. Lame answer, huh? This response brought about a somewhat bemused look on Mark's face although he simply said, “Okay, so you like a pretty face.” I noticed a woman's body just like any other guy. I just figured if I didn't find her face appealing I didn't care how great her body was. Sure, I've heard the jokes about putting a bag over her head and how everyone looks the same in the dark but I wasn't that kind of guy. I did know guys like that in high school though. On one occasion some of us were giving a friend a hard time about his girlfriend being kind of plain perhaps even downright unattractive. He simply dismissed our taunts by saying, “She's got huge tits.”

Mark went through a period where he was hot for this nice female athlete named Maggie. We were getting ready to leave the bar one night and Mark decided to buy her one the bar's famous burritos. We walked to her dorm room and her door was open. She was sitting at her desk studying when Mark and I walked in. Mark said, “I got you this.” He then plopped the foil-wrapped burrito down on her desk and we proceeded to walk out without another word. She, of course, chased after us and caught us before we made it to the end of the hall. She wanted to thank Mark I suppose. As far as I know, Mark holds the distinction of being the only friend I've had who tried to woo a woman with a burrito.

One evening after being at the club, the guys and I decided to walk through one of the dorms on the UNI campus. Mark and I took the elevator to some random floor (or perhaps it was an all female floor) and started walking down the hall. We found the door open to a room with some girls present so we simply walked in and introduced ourselves. They didn't seem that surprised to have some strangers walk in. They'd probably been partying as well. 

One of the girls had four watches on one of her wrists. I gently grabbed her hand and extended her arm and said, “Oh my God! Look at all of these watches! Now that's a fashion statement.”

Mark was talking to another girl at the time.

There was a pause in the conversation at some point and the girls sort of huddled together to speak in hushed tones. Then the watch girl said, “You're cute, kid. Come see me sometime.”

I could have sworn she was talking to Mark. I was a bit disappointed since I was the one who had made such a big deal about her watches. Mark decided it was time to go so we said our goodbyes and walked out. When we got into the hall Mark said, “Did you hear what that girl said to you?”

“I thought she was talking to you!” I said.

“No, man. She was talking to you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

So, I walked back to the room and knocked on the door. The watch girl opened the door.

“When you said 'You're cute kid' were you talking to me or my friend?” I asked. She smiled and closed the door in my face.

I was a bit confused and knocked on the door again which I later found out Mark thought was really amusing. She opened the door again and this time handed me a piece of paper with her name and number on it. “We have a lot of parties here so give me a call sometime,” she said.

I rejoined Mark and he said, “See, I told you.”

I went out with a rich girl named Victoria for a while. Her father was a doctor and her mother owned a boutique. Victoria had attended a private prep school in a large Midwestern city.  I think she came to Iowa mainly to put some distance between her and her parents. She hated being labeled as rich even though she obviously was.  She liked Anais Anais perfume although she was willing to wear Liz Claiborne perfume as well.  She had some expensive Laura Ashley dresses.  She wore skirts every day when I first met her because she was used to wearing a uniform at prep school.  She finally started wearing some Guess jeans occasionally.  Her family belonged to a country club where they dined often.  She informed me that her family vacationed twice a year.  One vacation was educational and one was for fun.  They had a condo on Sanibel Island.

 

But they weren't rich!

 

We'd met at a party and she was taken with me. I guess she was happy to find a cute and kind guy. She called me "compassionate" a few times which was nice.  She told me that she'd shared things with me she'd never shared with anyone before.  It feels pretty amazing to have someone put that kind of trust in you.

She was kind of bold and adventurous.  She was the first woman I ever went ALL THE WAY with.  She was the most uninhibited female I'd ever been with up to that point in my life.  I'm not talking about chains and whips or anything of that nature.  But, she showed me some things.

Her parents made her break up with me when we returned from Christmas break. I was of low status. We were not of equal rank. You would have thought her father was a duke or baron the way her parents carried on.

Victoria said we could still go out but she had to see other people. We could no longer be an exclusive couple. At first I told her to forget it because that was high school shit. Later I relented. I should have stayed firm. No one wants to see the one they love dating other people. No one wants to go from being in an intimate relationship to simply being friends who occasionally go out. It just doesn't work. Yes, I know some people do break up and remain friends. I don't get that.  

It's always easy to say “let's be friends” when you're the one doing the dumping.

When other girls showed interest in me, Victoria lost her resolve and decided to defy her parents. We got back together for a while. Then she had to leave school before the end of the year because of certain circumstances I won't go into. 

We stayed in touch over the phone and through letters. She was planning to visit but never did. Her parents, of course, would never allow that. I knew I wouldn't see her over the summer or possibly ever again.. So, I ended things. 

I really didn't think I'd see her again. I never expected her to return to Iowa. But, when students were moving in the following fall I ran into her father. He was civil even friendly and we talked briefly. I saw Victoria later in the day when I was visiting a female friend living on the same floor. 

Guess who knocked on my door later that night?

We never got back together although she had a habit of showing up at my door often after leaving the local bar. We had an odd relationship for a while. We'd get together to talk or she'd spend the night with me but it was always on her terms. She still wanted me but I think she felt like I'd abandoned her the previous year and wouldn't let herself get too close to me. But, she couldn't quite let me go either. Eventually I graduated and never saw her again.

Any time I see a movie that involves people from “different sides of the tracks” like Pretty and Pink I think of her.

I had connections with many other girls in college as well. I even came close to having a one night stand with a girl I met at a party but I'd had too much to drink.

Shakespeare wrote something along these lines.

Lust it turns on but also turns off. What I mean is, drinking stimulates desire but hinders performance. Therefore, too much drink is like a con artist when it comes to your sex drive. It sets you up for a fall. It gets you up but it keeps you from getting off. It persuades you and discourages you. It gives you an erection but doesn’t let you keep it, if you see what I’m saying. It makes you dream about erotic experiences, but then it leaves you asleep and needing to pee.

Adulthood

When I entered the real world after college things didn't go so well.  Those first few post- college years had a lot of ups and downs and none of them were between the sheets with a woman if you know what I mean.

I only recall going on one date and it didn't go too well.  It wasn't terrible but it was obvious there were no "sparks" between us.

I was depressed and then I was diagnosed with an eating disorder.  I lost a lot of weight.  I lost my libido.  I didn't have much interest in females or in life in general. 

I was hospitalized a couple of times.  During my second hospitalization I met a woman from Kansas who actually made me feel something.  She had her birthday while we were in the hospital and I gave her a bracelet.

She eventually went back to Kansas.

I ended up being attracted to a few other woman I met while in treatment.

I ended up starting a new life in a new city.

Then I met Kari.

Did I merely meet her by chance? Or, was it fate? Or, was a higher power involved?  What about serendipity?

I met her while we were both volunteering at the hospital. We both were trying to recover from eating disorders. 

She suggested having coffee together.  I think she talked for an hour while telling me her story.  We seemed to have an instant bond.  Does that sound like a cliché?

It wasn't long before I told her I had feelings that went beyond friendship.  She was wise and suggested taking things slowly.

The first time we went to a movie she asked me if I wanted to share a large popcorn. I looked at her in horror and she laughed. She was, of course, joking. 

We went to a lot of movies.  We went to Panera a lot but we'd only eat turkey sandwiches.  Sometimes we'd eat fat-free frozen yogurt and walk around the mall or sit on a bench and talk.

We played Skee-Ball once and I used our prize tickets to get her a ring.  She happily wore the cheap ring until it fell apart.

We grew close over time.  We talked of marriage sometimes. 

Then things happened as they often do in life.

I blew it as I often do.  Some of what happened was beyond my control.

Maybe I'll see her again one day.  If not, I wish her the best.

I fell in love with another woman with an eating disorder later on.  She had a cute dimple on her right cheek.  She was dubious when I told her I loved her.  We played cards a lot and had good conversations. She gave me a novel as a present which was sweet. I don't think a girl had ever given me a book before. We shared some intimacy on a blanket by a gazebo one warm summer night. Then she had to return to her home and get on with her life. I asked her if we could be together if I came with her. She said yes but she that she knew it wasn't going to happen. She had to follow her path and I had to follow mine.

She is still beautiful and stayed healthy enough to have a baby. She seems to really enjoy being a mommy. Sometimes I wonder why she was attracted to me.

Of course on the many days when I'm feeling down and old and only a shadow of that confident and handsome man I once was, I find it hard to believe any woman has ever wanted me.

Mon Amour

What is a Soul Mate? 

If you have found a smile

that is the sweetest one you've known,
If you have heard, within a voice,
the echoes of your own,
If you have felt a touch
that stirs the longings of your heart,
And still can feel that closeness
in the moments you're apart,
If you have filled with wonder
at the way two lives can blend
To weave a perfect pattern
that is seamless, end to end,
If you believe some things in life
are simply meant to be,
Then you have found your soul mate,
your heart's own destiny.

- Emily Matthews

Awakening

That morning whisper

A gentle kiss
A suspended moment
Of perfect bliss

That precious feeling

As eyes first meet
Bodies entwined
In sleepy heat

Fingers touching

Breath as one
Hearts in rhythm
We greet the sun

Content, in truth

Just to be
Simply enjoying
You and me

- Jamie Vogel

Present Day 

Even though I have no significant other in my life right now, I still find myself having crushes on various woman even some I've met online but never in person. I develop crushes on coworkers and woman I've met in treatment. When my cute coworker holds her hand up for a spontaneous high-five and our fingers are intertwined for a brief moment afterward and she smiles at me it makes me happy. Or, when she leaves me a note and I feel special. The woman who cuts my hair and hums along to the songs on the radio is sweet. Some women I know only online seem intelligent and fascinating and funny. They seem to have a genuine interest in my life and my well being. Can I really know someone just from some pictures and from seeing the way they communicate online? I think I can sometimes. Maybe I'll meet them one day.

Au Revoir, Mon Amour

I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, wait for it, give it some time