A Short Valentine's Day Essay

Heart shaped boxes of chocolate and red roses are two articles I associate most with Valentine's Day. Those conversation hearts (BE MINE) are a cornerstone of the holiday as well.

Of course the Valentine cards are perhaps the most important item. Do you remember getting a card from each of your classmates? Sometimes the card included a piece of chewing gum. But, if a piece of gum wasn't included it was kind of disappointing. “No gum? Oh, come on! Where's the love?” Perhaps students aren't allowed to exchange Valentine cards and candy now. Celebrating holidays in school seems to have become more complicated.

In third grade I gave my “girlfriend” TWO Valentine cards because I decided ONE just wasn't enough to express my deep feelings for her. I think my older sister suggested that one of the cards should be a Disney card featuring Lady and the Tramp. What a couple!

You remember the spaghetti scene from the movie, right? The accidental kiss. Then Tramp uses his nose to roll the last meatball over to her. He wanted her to have the last meatball! How romantic!

When I was older and in high school, I could buy carnations from some club or organization at school. They sold red, pink, and white carnations. I suppose red symbolized love. I think I bought and received carnations.

When I was a freshman I bought my girlfriend a pair of chocolate lips wrapped in red foil. Seems kind of embarrassing in hindsight. On the other hand, what could express my affection better than chocolate lips?  

 

 

I gave another girlfriend in high school a Care Bear one year. It had a red heart on its tummy. My mother is a great seamstress so she made it. My girlfriend named it Tara so its name would begin with a T like Tharin.

Another year I bought her one single red rose which I unceremoniously pulled from behind my seat at the end of our date. Voila! She said she was going to preserve it and save it FOREVER. That didn't happen. It just wilted eventually. Like our relationship!

During my college days, my girlfriend and I had dinner in the cafeteria one Valentine's Day. They were serving prime rib and lobster tail. Lobster tail? Is that possible? Maybe it was some kind of imitation lobster product called Loobster^TM.

She was angry with me that day. We hadn't been getting along very well so I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day. She complained that I hadn't even gotten her one single flower. I pointed out that she hadn't gotten me anything either but she was having none of it. 

“It's the boyfriend's job to plan a wonderful Valentine's Day for his girlfriend,” she said.

So, there you go. You might as well not try arguing with a woman about romance.

During my freshman year of college, a female sent me some roses and signed it From Your Secret Admirer. Don't you hate that! How can I ask you out if I don't know who you are?

During my adulthood, I had an eating disorder for several years so I wasn't much interested in candy or romance. But, there have been periods where I've been healthier. During one of those healthier periods I met a woman who I developed a close relationship with.

When Valentine's Day came around I made her four small origami creations and put each one in its own little envelope. She opened them all and with each one looked more and more surprised. She said she'd been given flowers several times before but nothing like this. I guess I'll never top that.

She made a gift for me too. She printed a haiku she'd written on a piece of paper with several hearts bordering it.

The haiku read:

You: You mean so much

My trust you value as such

Sweet too, is your touch

I doubt I'll ever inspire another woman to write poetry ever again in my lifetime.

The Valentine's Day I remember the most vividly was when I went to my girlfriend's apartment and she was dressed in some sexy red lingerie and holding a riding crop in her hand and told me to meet her in the bedroom. Ha ha. Oh, calm down people! I'm totally joking! Gawd!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Just Press Play

Rewind

I find myself wanting to press the REWIND button a lot because my present life seems disappointing. On days when I'm really feeling down, my adult life seems like a dismal failure. I have a job but not a career. I'm not exactly the picture of health.  I've even been in danger of dying a couple of times if doctors are to be believed.  I have no wife or kids. I don't have a house with a big green lawn enclosed by a white picket fence. Sometimes the present is too much to bear so I press the REWIND button so I can relive my glory days.

In my mind I can travel back to a happy childhood. I see a younger version of me playing with toys and watching cartoons. I see me pretending to be an astronaut and a cowboy. I see myself heading off to elementary school. I see myself going to church and Sunday school. I see myself staying overnight at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

That little boy was innocent. That little boy was fortunate to have a nice life with his loving family in a safe and loving community. 

After I became a teenager and entered high school, I lost some of my naivety. I found out life could be demanding, nerve-racking, and painful.

Classes can be demanding with their tests and term papers. When you add sports, clubs, and other obligations to the mix you find yourself in a nerve-racking situation. Getting dumped by your girlfriend is painful. 

College was like high school except now I had to meet new people and make new friends. I had to live away from my parents for the first time and learn to deal with roommates. How did I survive my freshman year? 

Nonetheless, those years before I became a full-fledged adult were happy and carefree for the most part. 

I had a loving family.

I had great friends.

I had girlfriends.

I was a champion wrestler.

I even got good grades … sometimes.

So, I hit REWIND a lot. I go back to an innocent time when I was a champion wrestler. I go back to a time when I was healthy and could eat whatever I wanted. I go back to a time when a fair number of girls would look at me and say, “He's so cute.” 

I was naive but I was usually happy. Ignorance is bliss.

t's a very tempting thing to try and relive your glory days when you get a little older and you worry that people have forgotten all about you.

- David Gilmour

Pause

Sometimes when I press REWIND and get caught up in my reverie, I even press PAUSE so I can dwell upon a particular moment and examine it more closely.

Look! Is that really me winning the conference championship? It's hard to remember what it was like to be that strong and confident. Look at me! I'm dominating my competition. No one could beat me that day. 

Look and listen! Did you hear it? That pretty girl just smiled at the high school version of me and said, “I love you.” Look! That pretty girl I met in college a few years later just said the same thing to the college version of me. 

Did those things really happen?  I know they did.  But, it was so long ago.  What happened to that guy?  What happened to the champion who could win the love of a woman?

Sometimes I want to step into the frame. I wish I could step into that situation knowing what I know now and do it better. Sometimes I don't want to change things. I simply want to step into that situation to experience it again with all the wonderful feelings that came with it.

 

I wanna go back

And do it all over again

But I can't go back I know

I wanna go back

Cause I'm feeling so much older

But I can't go back I know

 

- Eddie Money

 

Fast Forward

God knows there have been events and situations I've wished I could FAST FORWARD through. I want to press FAST FORWARD and get to a better place again leaving the challenging situation simply a distant memory.

I don't want to deal with this stress! Press FAST FORWARD.

I don't want to spend three months in treatment again! Press FAST FORWARD.

Getting dumped hurts. It's been said that time heals all wounds.

But, I want to feel better right now! Press FAST FORWARD.

Sometimes I wish I could hurtle ahead several years because I've had enough.

Life is too much. I want to be retired or in heaven with God. Press FAST FORWARD.

Stop

When life starts to seem unbearable, I contemplate hitting the STOP button. I don't want to go on any longer. I know such an attitude might sadden or even anger some people. How could anyone think of taking their own life especially when they seemingly have so much to live for? What right do I have to say life is too hard? I know my struggles and challenges have been nothing compared to some others.

At other times I think about the end of life and it scares me. What comes after this? Is there anything after this life? 

Some people admonish us to live each day to the fullest. They counsel us to tell our loved ones every day how much they mean to us because life is short. 

But, sometimes life doesn't seem short. On bad days life can seem way too long and I look forward to the end and the peace that hopefully comes with it.

When I'm having a good day, I am glad that I've never pressed the STOP button. I'll try to leave that up to God.

Play

To say that my adulthood has been an abject failure with no success or happiness would be a bit melodramatic I suppose.

Even well into my adulthood, I've had some good things happen. 

I've had a few women express their love for me. When someone loves YOU and wants to be with YOU it's one of the best experiences in the world.

I have coworkers who enjoy working with me. I have days at work when I experience gratification and happiness simply from a job well done.

I'm an intelligent person. I can talk about a myriad of subjects at length. I don't know if that adds any value to this world but it makes me happy. 

I've learned a lot just from the experience of living. I've made a lot of mistakes but did a lot of things well too.

So, on my death bed I can at least be happy and perhaps proud that I didn't mindlessly go through this thing called life.

A lot of things have happened that have limited what I might have been and might have accomplished. At times I think I've contributed nothing to the world and no one would miss me too much if I wasn't around. George Bailey felt that way too sometimes.

Nonetheless, I continue to press the PLAY button. I keep living. I keep telling myself I am valuable and people care about me. I think of all the things I've seen and all the things I've learned and all the lives I've touched.

It's hard sometimes – really hard – but I keep pressing the PLAY button. 

If I don't stay here and keep persevering who knows what I might miss. Some days I have more hope than others.  Some days life seems good and I'm grateful or all of the wonderful and fulfilling experiences I've had.

So, I Press PLAY.